“What?” she says. “I worked my ass off to get what I have. It may not look like much, Belle, but it’s enough for us. You never seemed to think anything was enough after Henry took off. He changed you. He made you want things you didn’t need to want. He put some desire in you to own things, to run things, to be the top, to win. And that makes you miserable and you can’t escape from it. I blame Henry for you becoming someone you really don’t like and so, no, I certainly don’t want to know about him or his stupid life.”
“I didn’t change after Henry. People don’t really ever change,” I say softly. “You completely forget that I was always ambitious, that I always wanted big things. Henry just taught me how to get laser-focused.”
“I would describe you as getting all man on us.” Carron flexes her muscles under her ski jacket, which just looks stupid.
“I got man on you because I’m with a guy who isn’t so man, and I work in a place where you only get ahead by manning up. Someone has to be the responsible one.”
“Bruce is responsible.”
I sigh. “He is. It’s just at a different level.”
“You just want more than him,” she says simply.
“It’s not more as in more stuff, it’s a more equal sharing of responsibility. It’s me bringing home ninety-nine percent of our income and still having to do eighty percent of the non-caregiver kid stuff. It’s not the Aston Martin, the driver, or diamonds that I want. I just want real partnership. And yes, I want more from work too because I’ve followed all the rules for more. And if Bruce were following the husband/father rules he would know that he has to do more than work out and be a decent companion. He should be out there dragging that sled up the hill or helping buy the groceries.”
“So you, Isabelle McElroy, are saying that you need help?”
“I don’t need help. I need partnership. A helper is someone who does favors for you, someone you have to thank all the time. A partner is someone who’s in it with you.”
Carron interrupts me. “Because if you say you don’t need help, why would anyone help you? If help is what you need and you ask Bruce for it and he doesn’t help, then you have the right to be mad but not before you ask and he says no. ’Cause if you asked, he’d probably say yes.”
I roll my eyes at her and move on to the bean section of this produce bonanza, wondering why even my sister doesn’t get it.
“So is Henry cheating on that Barbie doll wife of his yet?” Carron asks.
There’s nothing like a protective little sister. Her sarcasm makes me feel loved.
“How should I know?” I say, thinking there is no way I’m telling her about the secret apartment. Now it’s Carron’s turn to roll her eyes at me.
Across the square I notice the glowing lights of an Internet café and for a moment have a pang to check in with Stone. I’ve given my phone to Bruce to prove my commitment to this vacation endeavor.
Like a junkie seeing her dealer across the square I allow myself to look but not touch. I remind myself I’m in recovery and that I don’t want to have to lie to Bruce should he ask if I’ve talked to my office. I tell Carron how jumpy it makes me to see those glowing computer screens from outside the café’s frosty window. Like a moth to light, I let myself walk over to the doorway and take in the sight of the familiar blue screens, each a potential portal to the financial markets everywhere. I let the shakes of withdrawal wave through me.
Carron reaches for my arm. “We have a connection at home,” she says. “Bruce has been using it all day while you ski. I’m pretty sure he’s looking for a job, Belle. I think he wants to get something going and then surprise you.”
“He’s looking for a job?”
“I mean, he’s online all the time, so I asked, and that’s what he says he’s up to. Wants it to be a secret but I thought if you knew, you wouldn’t be so mad at him.”
I feel something swell in me, something hopeful.
“Anyway, why didn’t you just ask to use our computer if you miss work so much? You have to ask for what you need.”
“Can’t, not allowed,” I sigh.
“Okay, that’s weird.”
“It’s not weird, it’s just that Bruce doesn’t think I can do it, thinks I’ll spend this week on the phone once I reattach the cord so I’m in some sort of banking detox here and seeing those computers makes me jittery.”
“Well, I just think it’s weird that the U.S. markets are falling apart and Bruce isn’t allowing you to take care of your business. Aren’t you the breadwinner? Doesn’t that make it his business too?”
“The markets aren’t really falling apart. They’re just weak.”
“I don’t really get what you do, but with your company in the poubelle, it sounded like you were out of business.”
I’ve had one year of high school French, which is just enough vocabulary to know that poubelle means “garbage.” Feagin is in the garbage?
“What do you mean about Feagin?” I ask. Who is she to be telling me this?
“Something about them being sold for a buck or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention but I thought you knew. Anyway, you can always get a job with us being a ski guide.” She laughs. “You’re really pretty good.”
“Feagin didn’t fall apart. We just have problems with some of the products we’ve been selling and our stock price is getting slammed.”