“You listen to me, you stubborn, infuriating man,” she said, staring into the troubled waters that seemed to rage in his eyes. “You are not mad!” His eyes flicked over to look at her, but he couldn’t seem to hold her gaze. “You survived something that would break the toughest of men, Edward. Do not berate yourself because you find that life is hard. You are a wonderful man. I can see this after such a short time with you, and we have years and years ahead of us. Don’t push me out of your life just because it’s easier than letting me in!”
He moved suddenly, getting out of the bed on the opposite side from her and pulling on his clothes as fast as he could.
“You don’t understand,” he said, his voice savage now. “You don’t know what is in my head, the ... the horrors, the obscenities!” he raged. “If you knew, you would not want to touch me.”
“Edward, stop this!” she cried, running around the bed to him. “You are wrong, more wrong than you can possibly realise. You didn’t put those images in your head! You were sent to war! Good God, it’s not as if you can unsee all of the things that visit you in your nightmares.”
Edward was silent, his face a mask, every line of his body rigid with tension. He began to walk to the door, and Belle became very afraid that if he left the room tonight, left this row unfinished, that he might not ever return.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me!” she shouted, but his face was set and he didn’t stop. “Edward!”
Driven by panic and frustration, Belle did the only thing she could think of and picked up one of a pair of porcelain candlesticks from the mantle. Rather a pity, she thought with chagrin, as she’d rather admired them, but desperate times called for desperate measures. With rather surprising accuracy, she lanced the candlestick in Edward’s general direction, and it smashed against the wall just inches from his head, showering him with sharp little shards.
“The devil!” he exploded in shock, spinning around to stare at her, but Belle had already picked up the second candlestick and was holding it aloft.
“If you leave this room, I will make such a scene that it will take your breath away,” she warned him, knowing he must see the determination in her eyes. “The servants will talk of it for years. Word will be bound to get out, and everyone will say I’m the mad one. Anything you do after will seem perfectly innocuous, I assure you.” Her voice was sure and steady, which was reassuring, as she felt like she really was on the edge of madness herself. Her apparent calm seemed to make Edward believe she truly meant what she said, however, and he made no move to take another step.
“Belle,” he said, his voice a little cautious now. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I thought to help you when I offered marriage, but ... but all I have done is trapped you in ... in an untenable position.”
“Untenable?” she repeated, her voice dangerously low. “Are you really such a fool?” she demanded, really wanting to throw the damned candlestick now. “Are you so blind as to not see what is in front of you, Edward?”
“What?” he yelled, his fists clenched and his face so full of pain that her rage evaporated as fast as it had sparked to life. “What are you saying?”
Belle lowered the candlestick and shook her head, infuriated that he couldn’t see it for himself. “That I’m happy, Edward. You make me happy.”
He gaped at her, his face so incredulous that she almost laughed.
“That’s a ... a damn lie!” he spluttered, clearly quite unable to believe it.
Belle threw the candlestick.
Edward took a hasty step backwards as the missile whistled past his ear. She was improving, Belle thought with satisfaction.
“I. Never. Lie.”
“Well, then, you really are insane,” he snapped at her, watching with growing concern as she reached for a rather weighty ormolu clock. She’d best miss with this one, or she might actually kill him. “What in the name of God have I done to make you happy?” he demanded, looking so adorably confused that she was lost.
Belle laughed, and wondered at his ability to drive her from utter fury to a puddle at his feet in the space of seconds.
“Oh, Edward,” she said, shaking her head. “When we are together at night, it ... it is the most perfect, the most wonderful thing in the world. At least it is for me,” she added, feeling her happiness ebb as she realised that he may not feel the same. “And when you hold me after, and the few times when you’ve actually troubled to talk to me ... those moments are the most precious of all. As for the rest of it,” she added, her voice rather low and weary now. “I understand. If you need to run away from us all and be by yourself in the woods, then ... then you must do that.” She put down the clock as exhaustion washed over her. “But, at least, let us build you a small shelter or something. A place where you can build yourself a fire and not freeze to death. For my sake.”
She looked up at him, but Edward was staring at the floor, and she could not read his face in the shadows. Taking her courage in her hands, she crossed the space between and slipped her arms around his waist, looking up into eyes that were full of distress.
“You would do that ... for me?” he asked, his voice rough.
“I would do anything for you,” she whispered. “Anything to ... to try and give you some peace, some comfort. Anything to make you understand that you don’t need to keep punishing yourself because you lived.” She leaned into him and rested her head on his chest, hearing the steady thud of his heart. “I love you,” she added, the words so simple yet so terribly complicated at the same time.
“You really are insane,” he grumbled, but there was a flicker of amusement in his voice now, and Belle smiled against him.
“Perhaps,” she replied, her voice soft. “But if that is so, I have no desire to be anything else.”
He let out a breath, and she felt his arms wrap around her, pulling her close. “I don’t deserve you, Belle.”
“No,” she said, her tone haughty, though she looked up and grinned at him so he could be sure she was teasing. “I don’t suppose you do.”
The beginnings of a smile flickered over his lips and he bent his head, brushing his mouth against hers in a gentle kiss. “It’s the same for me, Belle,” he whispered, the words so raw and honest that her throat ached. “When we are together. It’s the same for me.”
Belle sighed and reached up to kiss him again. “Then don’t push me away, Edward. Run away from me if you must, but please ... please promise that you’ll always come back again.”
He was quiet for a moment, but in the end, she had her answer.
“I promise.”
Chapter 27
“Wherein Christmas Day holds surprises and unexpected gifts.”
Edward’s intention had been to miss the church service and as much of the Christmas celebrations as was possible. The thought of having to socialise, even with the small number of family members that seemed to encompass more of his brother-in-law’s family than his own, had filled him with panic.