“No, you won't. You've all been drinking. As if I'm going to let any of you drive anywhere!” I laughed. “It's fine, I'll go and get another one. Sit down. I'll be back before you even miss me.” I picked up my bag, blew a kiss to the room, and left before anyone else could argue with me.
I was actually glad to have an excuse to get a few minutes on my own. I needed to think. The lunch had been lovely, finally being able to speak openly about the pregnancy, to share our joy and talk about the future with hope for the first time in many years. I was feeling good. But I was also tired. A symptom of growing new life, I knew, but it felt nice to take a quiet drive down to the shops and collect my thoughts.
Isabel and I had decided to talk privately to Bonnie the following day. Neither of us wanted to make a scene over a nice family lunch, and after I'd had time to consider the situation, I had felt certain that I could get her to open up to me and let out all those toxic emotions she was holding onto. I smiled, sure that everything was going to work out okay. It was time for everyone's luck to change, and I had proved that by finally holding onto my baby.
I wound down the window, letting the cool air filter through the car, the smell of leaves and grass and damp filling my nostrils. It had rained during lunch and I breathed in deep, savouring the smell of wet earth, enjoying the crisp, clean aftermath of the storm. It was one of my favourite smells in the whole world. The wonderful thing about living in Oxford was that if you knew the right places, you could feel like you were right in the countryside. I always took the back-roads and little lanes when I drove anywhere. I preferred to walk though. I liked to discover little pathways through fields, or stroll along the River Thames, avoiding the crowds as much as was possible in a city. It was such a beautiful place to live, truly the best of both worlds. The burn on my arm tingled a little as I flicked the indicator to turn left towards the shops, manoeuvring my Mini into the narrow lane. Rounding the corner, I decided I would run it under the tap again for a few more minutes when I got back. Couldn't hurt to be extra cautious.
As I straightened the car into the road, I was suddenly torn from my thoughts, my body thrown into autopilot, my mind instantly analysing and assessing the situation surrounding me. A truck was speeding towards me, skidding and swerving in and out of my lane with no sign of stopping. All at once, everything became very clear. To the left there was nothing but a narrow ditch and a thick hedge. There was no space to pass on the right. And the truck driver was not going to stop. Something was very wrong.
My arms moved, my hands gripping tightly to the wheel as I swerved towards the ditch, reasoning it was my best option. As the left hand side of the Mini hit the verge, the wheels sank into the soft sticky mud and the car was upended diagonally, the right hand side sticking up, the wheels spinning against thin air. I grasped the steering wheel, breathing hard and saw with utter terror the wide axle of the truck heading right for me.
There was a scream, an explosive crunch of metal on metal, shattering glass, and I was flung forwards, backwards, forwards again. My head hit the wheel and blood poured hot and metallic into my eyes and mouth. A pain shot through my leg and my ear simultaneously and I felt as if my eyes might burst out of my skull. I let out a blood-curdling scream and wrapped my arms around my belly. “Please don't leave me baby,” I croaked, “Please don't go.”
I fought the pain, resisting where it was taking me, sure that if I let go I wouldn't make it back. I had to live. I had to protect my baby. My mind swam. There was nothing but pain, so much pain. I was drowning in it, consumed in agony. The smell of blood and smoke surrounded me and I wondered if the car was alight. Would I be cremated in my seat? It would mean an end to this torture, this unbearable misery. I choked and vomited into my lap. And then, the edges of the world faded out and there was only darkness.
Chapter Ten
There was light flashing on and off behind my closed eyelids. Voices, shouting, screaming. I couldn't breathe, my eyes wouldn't open, the pain was still there, worse now. I hadn't thought it possible, but it was. I must be dying. I had to be. I slipped out of consciousness again, and when I came round after what could have been minutes or hours, I was still in the same place.
Someone was calling me. It sounded far off, echoey, my own name bouncing around the darkness of my mind. I forced open an eye and saw a blurred face, familiar somehow. Ray. My neighbour. Why was he here? Was he looking at me through the roof? Everything was upside down, I didn't understand. “Lucas,” I croaked. “Get Lucas.”
“I'll go, I'll get him. The paramedics are pulling up now, they'll take care of you Roxanne. Don't move.”
My eyes flickered closed again and I heard more voices. Were they talking to me? It was fuzzy. I couldn't focus, the pain was too much, it burned through me though I couldn't muster the strength to scream again.
“Roxanne,” a woman's voice said, closer than I thought possible. “I'm Sara, I'm a paramedic. Can you hear me?”
I tried to reply, but nothing came out. I could no longer open my eyes. With every ounce of strength I could muster I croaked out one word. “Baby.”
“There's a baby in the car?” Sara tried to confirm.
“P... Pr... Pregnant,” I managed to whisper, realising my arms were still wrapped around my abdomen.
“You're pregnant,” Sara confirmed. “Thank you. We're here for you Roxanne. We just need to get you out of here, then you and your baby will be treated. Try to stay as still as possible while we work around you. Can you tell me what hurts?”
I didn't understand the question. The pain was everywhere, burning, stinging, slicing. The sensation behind my eyes and in my ears felt as if something was going to explode, the pressure was incomprehensible. “Head,” I managed, though there was so much more. I could feel the strength leaving me in increments. My body was going into emergency shut down. I could feel a numbness in my toes, my calves burning and tingling. My heart was beating hard enough to burst.
I realised with sickening clarity that my son, my precious baby was going to die. My body was doing everything it could to keep me alive. It would shut him off. It would take everything he needed to survive and give it to my vital organs instead. I was going to lose him and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would have torn out my own heart in that very moment if it would have kept him safe.
“Okay,” Sara continued, oblivious to my heartbreak. “Keep nice and still. I'm going to stay right here.” I heard more people coming, unfamiliar noises, the scraping and cutting of metal. The sounds sliced through my brain, searing, unbearable. I shook my head, trying to block it out. Behind my eyelids everything flashed again, frenzied, nausea inducing. I was spinning, falling, it was too much. The voices grew distant again, the echo was back. Nothing made sense. The flashing faded, and my head lolled back against the headrest, my mouth falling open as consciousness left me.
Chapter Eleven
There was no slow dawning of realisation on awakening. At the first trickle of consciousness before my eyes had even peeled themselves open, two thoughts flashed brutally, crisply through my mind. Car crash. Baby gone. My insides tangled into a burning mass, fat snakes coiling and sliding inside my abdomen spilling their venom on everything they touched, burning a hole through the heart of me.