‘Don’t hurt him.’ My arms hang by my sides. ‘Please.’ I have never felt terror like this before. It is physically numbing and mentally degrading.
Downstairs the phone starts to ring again and the sound changes the atmosphere instantly. The man runs forward before I’m ready. He barges past, thrusting Josh at me and I’m propelled violently backwards against the sharp edge of the half-open door, whacking my elbow on my funny bone, fuzzing the nerves that lead into my wrists, so that as I try to catch hold of Josh I clumsily misjudge and he slips to the floor with a sickening thud. The man has to pull the door open behind me and I try to get out of his way and scoop Josh up at the same time, but somehow I clash with his feet and Josh lets out a cry of pain. And then it’s over and he is gone, charging down the stairs, and I’m cradling my son, rocking him against me as he bellows.
Seconds later I feel something, another presence. I slowly straighten up and turn my head. Amber is holding the door wide, staring down at me, her mouth open in horror. My relief at seeing her is tempered by shame. I hold her gaze and plead silently with her.
Please don’t judge me.
6
‘VICKY!’ AMBER SAYS, dropping down beside me. ‘Oh my God. Are you OK?’
I stare at her and whisper, ‘No.’
‘Why don’t you give him to me before you faint?’
She tries to take him but I shy away from her, covering him with my arm. She backs off immediately, then holds out her hand for mine and with her help I stagger to the rocking chair. I lay Josh carefully on my thighs, with his toes against my stomach. He has gone worryingly quiet.
‘I need to get him to A & E. I think he’s broken his arm.’
Amber opens the curtains and blinds and the grey morning throws a washed-out light over the scene. Josh’s face is pale, the skin blue around his lips.
‘I’ll take you.’
I focus on her properly. ‘What happened to your viewing?’
She strokes Josh’s forehead and his eyes widen as he gazes up at her. ‘They cancelled, so I thought I’d nip round. What on earth happened? I saw a man run out of your house.’
‘He broke in. I didn’t know he was here.’
‘Jesus.’
His smell lingers on the landing. Stale cigarettes and sweat. We go downstairs and I stop outside my bedroom. Amber goes in first, stands with her hands on her hips. The little wooden drawers that form part of my dressing table have been pulled out, their sparkling contents strewn across the bed. None of it is of any value.
‘He didn’t find your safe. That’s something.’
It isn’t a safe. Nothing so grand. Anything precious is kept in a concealed cavity built into the skirting under the wardrobe. There isn’t much in there, just rings that Tom has given me to mark special occasions.
‘I thought you said Magda was here?’ Amber says as she closes the door behind us and we make our way downstairs.
‘She’s … she’s around somewhere.’ It’s patently obvious that there’s no one else in the house but I stammer on regardless. ‘She was here. Perhaps she’s left already.’
Amber glances at her watch as I go down the next flight. I pick up Josh’s snowsuit from the end of the banister.
‘You can’t put him in that,’ she says. ‘You’ll hurt him. Hang on.’
She disappears into the sitting room and comes out with the blue tartan rug we keep over the back of the sofa and carefully tucks it round him.
I pull out my mobile and she grabs my wrist. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m calling the police. What did you think I was doing?’ I pull away and for a moment we look at each other.
‘Don’t,’ she says. ‘Not yet at least. We need to think about this.’
After a second’s hesitation I push the phone into my pocket and she ushers me towards the front door.
‘We’ll talk about it on the way to the hospital. You can call the police as soon we get there, if you like. Tom as well. Where’re your car keys? I’ll drive. You look after Josh.’
She indicates that I should get in the car while she calls her office and explains there’s been an emergency, an accident. I can tell Sarah isn’t happy and I worry that Amber’s getting into trouble because of me.
‘Right.’ Amber’s tone is so businesslike that I immediately sit up straight and listen. ‘Tell me exactly what happened and we’ll work out what to say.’
I shiver even though the air conditioner is blasting out heat. My jeans are still damp. The sound of the rain battering down on the roof and the windscreen wipers swishing back and forth hypnotizes me.
‘Vicky! Please. Concentrate.’
Her voice is enough to break the spell and words burst out of me. ‘I left him. But it was only for fifteen minutes. He was sound asleep and he never normally wakes up. I thought it would be OK.’
‘Have you done anything like this before?’
I don’t reply. When Tom and I lived in the flat I was so bored, so claustrophobic, so lonely and frustrated and so young that I did things I shouldn’t. I used to go out and walk round the block. Stretch my legs and ease my mind. Buy a newspaper. Emily would sleep right through it and because it was a flat in an anonymous mansion block, no one was any the wiser. It was, now I think about it, a compulsion. I stopped after Tom came home early from work and caught me returning from one of my mini-forays. I told him I’d nipped across to the corner shop. This time I don’t have youth and isolation as an excuse.
‘Come on,’ Amber urges. ‘We can’t mess around.’
I have to raise my voice to be heard. ‘Only once or twice: to get the papers or a pint of milk. It’s never been an issue.’
‘Christ, Vicky.’
I hang my head. ‘I know.’
‘OK. What’s done is done. Why don’t you tell me exactly what happened today and we’ll take it from there.’
I tell her about the impulsive decision I made and I don’t spare myself. I’m in trouble and every word I speak damns me.
‘You can’t say that,’ Amber responds, catching my eye in the mirror with a frown. ‘You need an alternative story.’
‘I’m not lying. I can’t.’ My heart is thumping so hard I feel sick. ‘It would be better to be honest, wouldn’t it?’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Amber snaps.
My knees are trembling. ‘It’s not ridiculous. I—’
‘This is not 1990, Vicky. This is 2010. Social workers have learned from past mistakes. If you tell them you left Josh alone in the house, he will be taken into care. You won’t be given a chance to explain or get legal advice; they’ll take him out of your arms and criminal charges will be pressed against you. Do you really want that?’
I stare at her, cowed. This is a version of my friend I don’t recognize. ‘I can’t … I can’t live a lie. They’ll find out.’ My voice rises. ‘They’ll understand that it was a mistake; that I was exhausted and stressed.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Vicky. Do you know how many exhausted and stressed mothers there are out there? Or do you think it’s only you? Seriously? Are you stupid or just na?ve? Pull yourself together or I’m going to dump you outside the hospital and leave you to dig your own grave.’