I laugh uneasily. ‘Amber! I’m never going to tell you anything.’
She leans into my husband and smiles at him and he takes his cue and puts his arm around her waist. Tom has always been physically affectionate and I’ve never minded before. I try to analyse why it’s jarring now, and I think it’s because Amber is tense when normally she’s so natural with him. And perhaps it’s because I’m no longer sure I know her as well as I thought I did.
‘All it was,’ I say, turning to look beseechingly at the others, ‘was that when I was pregnant with Josh I had violent dreams. It was hormones. I never said anything about killing babies. It was about murdering my friends.’
‘Oh, Vicky,’ Amber says, pulling me into her side so that she’s sandwiched between the two of us. ‘I was only teasing.’
Later, I find myself on my own and overly self-conscious. I don’t feel up to the task of forcing my way into a conversation so I push open the French windows and step outside into the chill. The garden is so beautiful and calm. The candles light the cherry tree from below, making a ghostly web of its branches and picking out the tiny green buds.
At the far end, the shed is in darkness and I wander over, hoping to hide until I feel better or get hypothermia; whichever comes first. Behind me, other guests take my cue and follow me out of the house. I walk away but my heels keep sinking into the lawn. Someone laughs and I turn abruptly, but it has nothing to do with me. Tiny lights flare as cigarettes are lit. A man’s figure detaches itself from the group and starts moving towards me. It’s Robert.
‘Having a shifty fag?’ I laugh. There’s a tremor in my voice. I swallow and try again. ‘Amber won’t be pleased.’ I don’t want a conversation so I turn to go back in, but he blocks me.
‘Stay a minute. It isn’t often that I get a chance to speak to you on your own. How are you?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘Poor old Vicky. You’ve had a shit time of it, haven’t you?’
I cross my arms against the chilly air and turn to him, scrutinizing his face.
‘What’s Amber told you?’
I have a horrible feeling that I feature heavily in their pillow talk.
‘Don’t worry. She hasn’t been divulging your deepest secrets. I meant the last few months, since you had Josh. I get a sense that it’s been more of a shock than you’re letting on.’
‘I have nothing to complain about,’ I say. ‘I’m really lucky.’
‘But …’
‘Well, you know …’ I shrug and he smiles at me. It’s nice that he understands. He is a lovely man.
‘I wanted to ask you something,’ he says.
‘Fire away.’
He pauses. Robert has never been a great one for talking about himself. He’s the kind of man who will always tell you everything is all right.
‘Have you noticed anything different about Amber lately?’
‘In what way different? I suppose she’s happy about buying the house. That’s bound to affect her mood.’
‘It isn’t that.’ He grunts and starts again, and this time the words burst out. ‘Being happy is fine. Euphoric is fine. But she’s … I don’t know. Just different. I can’t do anything right … I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be saying this to you.’
Do I tell Robert that I know exactly what he’s talking about? But what good would that do? He’s not expecting me to agree. He wants reassurance that he’s wrong.
‘To be honest, all I’ve noticed is that she’s over-excited about the move. And I don’t blame her. I would be too.’
His face falls. ‘I’ve done my best.’
‘I know you have, Robert.’
‘Only, what I don’t understand is where the money for the deposit is going to come from, and Amber doesn’t get that. Or if she does, she’s refusing to accept it. I’ve never seen her like this. It’s as if she’s possessed with the idea of owning that place and God help anyone who stands in her way. Including,’ he adds ruefully, ‘me.’
I need to tread carefully. ‘I think she feels that if she perseveres and refuses to take no for an answer, it will happen. It’s the way people tend to think these days. Is there no way you can raise the cash?’
‘Short of murdering my parents, no. I work on a knife edge as it is, and it wouldn’t take much to bring the company to its knees. When I was on my own it didn’t matter. It’s very different now. The pressure is enormous.’
‘I know what you mean.’
‘And even if I did manage to beg, steal or borrow enough to secure it, how the hell am I supposed to pay for the renovations? She’s living in cloud cuckoo land.’ He stops and flushes deeply. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘Don’t worry. I won’t repeat it.’
He drags hard on his cigarette and lets the smoke filter out slowly. ‘I suppose what I’m really worried about is that if I can’t provide her with what she wants, she’ll find someone who can.’
That is honest. It takes me a moment to process what he’s said, even though it’s crossed my own mind.
‘She isn’t like that. She loves you.’
‘She’s my life.’ He pinches the bridge of his nose, his forehead bunching. ‘I’m petrified of losing her.’
In the darkness, in his despair, he is attractive. It’s a surprise. His eyes, though small, have a remarkable intensity.
‘Why would you lose her?’ I find I’ve dropped my voice to a whisper.
‘Because I don’t think I’ve ever really had her. I’m under no illusion, Vicky. I love Amber more than she loves me, and I don’t resent that, because she deserves to be loved. But I wish … well, I wish we’d had another child and I wish I’d made more money. I feel such a failure. And now it looks like we’re piggybacking on to your holiday.’
Those last words smack of despair and I hesitate before I answer. I understand his pride. Mum didn’t accept financial help, even from boyfriends. We managed by finding all sorts of ways around our problems.
‘I do know how you feel. I grew up in a difficult financial situation myself, but you really mustn’t talk about piggybacking. You and Amber are practically family. Please come.’
‘All right. Thank you.’ He takes my hand and to my surprise, kisses it, still holding the remains of his cigarette between two fingers. It’s a side of Robert Collins I haven’t seen before, and it charms me. ‘Do you know something, Vicky? You are a really sweet person.’
‘I’m not sweet. I just care about my friends. It will be OK. You’ll see. You’ll move into the house and everything will settle down. Come on, let’s go in. They’ll be wondering what we’re talking about.’
He tightens his hands round mine, keeping me from moving away. ‘I’ll understand if you feel you have to tell Tom about this conversation, but please don’t tell Amber.’
‘I won’t tell either of them.’
Tom is in a good mood when we get in around eleven. He pays the babysitter and waits for her to unlock her bicycle and ride off, then pulls me into a hug. I wriggle out of his embrace and collapse on to the bottom stair, pull off my high heels and rub my feet.