Though, admittedly, that has more to do with the fact that there’s a group of women inside waiting to pick my brain for details of my sex life, and less to do with their top-notch pastries.
Phoebe called shortly after my meltdown, insisting I come to lunch with her and “the girls” — a group I must assume includes Gemma, Shelby, Chrissy, and Lila. Resistance seemed futile, especially when Parker suggested he’d use the time to meet with Nate and discuss my parents’ case.
I heave a deep, martyred sigh and force myself to walk inside, thinking it’s probably a bad sign I’d be happier talking with the guys about a grisly crime than deconstructing my somewhat baffling relationship status with these girls.
“Zoe!” Phoebe yells as soon as I walk through the door, hopping to her feet — which are, of course, clad in fabulous stilettos. “We’re over here!”
She waves like a lunatic, as if there’s a remote chance I haven’t seen their group occupying the large table in the corner. Unlikely, considering the rest of the cafe is pretty much empty.
I wave awkwardly and walk toward them.
“Hi, Zoe!” Gemma says, grinning at me as she scoots over to make room in the booth. “Come sit.”
“What do you want?” Phoebe asks as I settle in. “Latte? Coffee? Cronut?”
“I’m fine.” I try to smile. “Really, not that hungry.”
Phoebe thinks about that for two seconds. “I’m getting you a chocolate cupcake. They’re out of this world.”
“But—” Before I can get the protest past my lips she’s already gone, striding to the counter across the room with the determination of a soldier heading off to war.
“My advice? Don’t fight it,” Lila says, smirking at me. “When it comes to the West family, it’s easier just to cave. Trust me.”
“I’m starting to learn that,” I murmur. Glancing at the women clustered around the table, I try not to panic. “Anyway… thanks for inviting me to your girl date, or whatever this is.”
“Happy to have you,” Gemma says.
“Totally,” Chrissy agrees. “We could use another sane person around here.”
“You had sex!” Shelby announces, narrowing her pretty brown eyes at me.
My mouth drops open.
“Shelby!” Chrissy scolds.
“What? She’s practically glowing. It’s obvious she had an encounter with el peen de Parker.”
“Was that supposed to be Spanish?” Lila’s nose wrinkles. “Because that’s not the word for penis. Just for the record.”
“That’s rude!” Chrissy elbows her friend. “You can’t just go around telling people they have sex-glow.”
“Not the point.” Shelby looks undaunted, smiling over at me like we’re long lost pals instead of virtual strangers. “You totally had sex with Parker.”
“Can we please keep in mind that this is my brother we’re talking about?” Gemma grimaces. “Seriously… there’s an ick factor.”
“Sorry!” Shelby throws up her hands, not sounding sorry in the least. “Screw me for being excited that someone around here is getting… well… screwed. I’m just happy to hear Zoe is getting some. Any more sex-less women in a single place, stray cats are going to start following us around.”
“Uh huh, I’m going to stop you right there.” Lila’s perfectly-plucked eyebrows rise in graceful twin arcs. “I have many problems in my life; celibacy is not one of them.”
“To be honest, I get more than I can handle.” Gemma’s smile is wistful. “Chase makes sure of it.”
“I also get it on the regular,” Chrissy adds. “Well, if you consider on the regular the rare five-minute intervals that occasionally pop up when both kids are miraculously sleeping, Mark and I are both home, and one of us isn’t covered in some kind of baby spittle.”
We all look at her.
“I will pray for you,” Lila tells her very seriously.
I snort.
“What are we talking about?” Phoebe asks, returning to the table loaded down with three different kind of cupcakes and two iced lattes balanced in her hands.
“Getting some,” Gemma informs her cheerfully, snagging a chocolate cupcake off the plate.
“Oh, Nate gives it to me on the regular,” Phoebe informs us happily.
“Fine! Whatever!” Shelby crosses her arms over her chest. “So, I’m the only celibate one. Fabulous.”
“Have a cupcake,” Lila suggests.
Shelby looks aghast. “Oh yeah, an extra five hundred calories that’ll go straight to the cellulite on my ass will certainly help matters.”
“Wait…” Phoebe pauses mid-bite, her large red velvet cupcake poised in the air, and glances at me. For a second she looks elated… but then her face contorts into a nauseous twist. “That means you and Parker…. Oh. I don’t know whether to be happy or grossed out.”
“A little of both,” Gemma says around a massive mouthful of chocolate.
“That was supposed to be for Zoe,” Phoebe tells her sister.
“I can’t help it.” Gemma licks her lips. “I’m starving today.”
There’s a beat of silence before they all explode. I feel utterly confused as every other woman at the table except Gemma starts bouncing in her seat and practically squealing.
Gemma looks at me and rolls her eyes.