He laughed, a bitter little huff. “I’ll always be your husband. Just because you chose to sign a piece of paper and forced me to sign it too doesn’t mean I don’t feel like your husband.”
“I didn’t force you to sign anything.” And in her calmer, more reflective moments, she could even admit that the divorce had been a drastic measure. She’d wanted to jar Alex out of the angry place he’d been in and force him to see her again.
He’d simply signed the papers and continued to look for Michael Evans.
“I asked you what you wanted and you said you wanted a divorce, so I gave it to you, but I didn’t even move out of our house, Eve. It wasn’t until we moved here that we didn’t share a house.”
But he’d moved from their bed the night she’d come home from her ordeal. He’d sat up in a chair beside the bed, watching over her, but he hadn’t slept beside her because she couldn’t stand to have anyone touch her at the time. The trouble was, even after a few weeks, they had still been sleeping apart. “It was obvious to me that our marriage was over. You didn’t sleep with me. You barely touched me.”
His free hand gripped the railing of the balcony, clenching around it. “You had been raped. I was trying to give you time.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think you really wanted me because he’d had me. All the rest was just physical impulses and a measure of guilt from you. Do you want the truth? I didn’t really want the divorce, but you didn’t seem to want me anymore so I gave you an out.”
He turned to her, the glass crashing to the ground. He didn’t seem to care that he’d just broken a glass. “I never wanted an out. I wanted you. I tried to touch you and you flinched every single time. You couldn’t stand to have my hands on you because deep down you blamed me for what happened to you. Don’t you dare deny it.”
She was suddenly so damn tired. She moved to the side, well away from the glass. “I don’t deny it. You refused to listen to me. You thought I was wrong about Evans. Hell, you still think I’m wrong otherwise you wouldn’t be here. This is ancient history. Why are we talking about it now?”
Now both fists were clenched at his sides as he followed her. “Because it’s still here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry I was an arrogant prick who fucked up his job so badly that he could never go back. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’re the one who got hurt because of it. Don’t you think I would change places with you if I could?”
Which only proved that he didn’t know her at all. “I wouldn’t want that. Did I blame you? Yes. Was that fair? No, of course not. Do I still blame you? I don’t blame you for what happened, but I blame you for everything that happened afterward. I blame you for trying to be some kind of vigilante when I needed you to be my husband.”
And he would never understand that. She turned, but his hand was on her arm, pulling her back. He loomed over her, his face shadowed by the moonlight. His mouth was turned down, but his eyes roamed every inch of her. “I didn’t know how to reach you. I didn’t even think I had the right to. What he did…”
“Is over, but you won’t let it be over. It will never be over for you, and that’s why it can’t work between us.” Tears made the world a blurry mess because it really came down to that. He wouldn’t be able to let go. Not now. Not even if he found Michael Evans and somehow managed to kill him. For Alex, it would never really be over.
Their marriage had broken as surely as the glass on the ground, and neither of them had swept up the pieces. They kept trying to pick them up and fit them back together, but some pieces had shattered utterly and would never fit again. All they got for the effort was bloody hands and frustration.
“Do you want me to walk away now?” Alex asked, his voice tortured. “If I packed up everything and left with you tonight, would you give us another chance?”
She reached up and touched him, her palm to his cheek. He turned into her hand like he needed the feel of her skin against him more than his next breath. “We can’t leave because, at the end of the day, Kristen is right about one thing. Michael Evans has to be brought to justice so he can’t hurt anyone else. And that’s your job.”
It was why she loved him. It was also why he would never be able to forgive himself.