Wrapping his thigh required more room, so he shoved his pants down a few inches. Then he gripped her waistband to keep her in place. They were sitting side by side, close enough to kiss. She could feel his thumb against her lower back, almost grazing the cleft of her buttocks. Their eyes met for a split second. He was breathing hard. There was something scary about the way he looked at her, but she liked it. She liked the effect she had on him. She knew he felt the same desire she did. She sensed it every time they were together.
Flustered by his proximity, she focused on the bandage in her hands. She rolled it around his thigh and tried to ignore his state of undress. It wasn’t easy. His cotton boxer shorts cupped his manhood, outlining the soft bulge. She was curious about his body, though she’d seen and touched him before. She hadn’t seen or touched him in an unaroused state. She wondered how it would feel to stroke him to hardness. His thigh muscle twitched beneath her fingertips as she wrapped the bandage higher. He avoided her gaze, his jaw tense. When her elbow bumped his male parts, he made a strangled sound.
She went still. “Did I hurt you?”
He shook his head. She secured the bandage quickly, her face flaming. He released her waistband and buttoned his fly with a wry grimace. She glanced at the other passengers. There were eleven men and one other woman, besides her. They spoke among themselves in a Guatemalan dialect.
She perched beside Ian, fingers threaded through the metal grate, and watched the world pass by. Her father had told her that overhanging branches could knock passengers off the train. They had to be careful to stay low and keep watch, even at night. Another danger was falling asleep. It seemed impossible to drift off on a sharp metal bed rushing through space, but the rocking motion of the train was sort of hypnotic.
“I thought you wanted to board the train,” she said. He’d run toward it, after all.
“I was considering it, but I’d decided not to endanger you.”
She studied the railcars ahead of them, feeling guilty. There was no one nearby who looked anything like Sarai. Or Hugo, for that matter. About three cars down, the huddled figures became unrecognizable. She moved her gaze back to Ian and met his flat stare. He knew something was wrong. She had to tell him about Hugo before they went any further.
“I think my brother is on this train,” she said in a small voice.
His brow furrowed in confusion. “Why?”
“He ran away two days ago. I found out the night I arrived. He planned to take the train to Tijuana and join me in San Diego.”
“So you’re here to find him. Not to help me, or Sarai.”
She moistened her lips, anxious. He’d always been gentle with her, but right now he looked furious. “I’m here for all of those reasons.”
He squinted into the distance. When his eyes sought hers again, they were cold and hard. She preferred the hot anger she’d seen in them a moment ago. This was scarier, devoid of emotion. “What’s your relationship with Armando Villarreal?”
She flinched as if he’d struck her. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Assume you’d lie about him too?”
“There’s nothing between us.”
“Except a big fucking favor.”
She didn’t know how to convince him of her innocence. They’d fallen into a tense bilingual conversation in which she spoke Spanish and he responded in English. It was the easiest, most efficient way for them to communicate. But it felt fractured now, like their connection. “He saved my life,” she said, tears clogging her throat.
“Why do you think he did that? Just to be nice?”
She opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it.
“He wanted to fuck you.”
“No.”
“Come on, Maria. You’re naive, but you’re not that naive. I spent the night with you, so I know. I remember how hot you were—”
“Cállate, cabrón,” she said from between clenched teeth.
He examined her face, which felt like fire. “He’s a drug smuggler. A cartel assassin. Men like that don’t rescue beautiful young women for nothing.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Did you save me for the same reason? For fucking?” She said it in English, because she wanted it to sound ugly.
“Yes.”
She didn’t believe him. He’d saved her because he was a good person, and he cared about her. But his harsh words stung, even if they weren’t true. He had the power to hurt her deeply—and she had the same power over him. She’d hurt him with her deception. That was why he was lashing out at her. He was suspicious of her for professional reasons, angry with her for personal ones. She’d left his bed to fulfill a promise to Armando. Men didn’t get over such things easily. She needed to backtrack a few steps and regain his trust.
“My father rode this train,” she said.
Ian looked away, not responding.
She followed his gaze to the blur of trees against the sunset. “He would travel from that camp all the way to Nogales. Then he’d cross the border and find work in the fields. He’d be gone for months, sometimes years. We never knew when he’d come back.” She snuck another glance at Ian, who appeared indifferent. “He was supposed to return for Hugo’s seventh birthday. We had a cake and a pi?ata and decorations. Bienvenido and Feliz Cumplea?os all rolled up in one.”
“He didn’t show?”
She shook her head. “He died on the tracks.”
Ian didn’t offer his condolences, but his expression changed from the hard mask into something less rigid.
“Hugo never got to know him.” She gestured to the railcar beneath them. “This is what he knows. That boys and men with courage, and no other options, do this.”
He stayed silent for a moment. “You should’ve told me.”
“Would you have brought me here to look for him if I had?”
A muscle in his jaw flexed. “This assignment was my last chance to prove myself. I left the border patrol because I didn’t feel like I was helping anyone. I got forced out of the DEA for following my gut instead of my orders. Now I’m riding on top of a train for reasons I can’t explain to my supervisor. I’m fucked, Maria. Does that mean anything to you?”
“Yes.”
He made a scoffing noise.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I’m sorry I left. But we can still find Sarai—”
His eyes turned sharp again. “You’re kidding, right?”