It is like living in my own personal Real World series.
It gives me immense comfort to recall destroying my sister’s closet because she wore my Pepé jeans without asking and watching my brother go Red Rage on Lindsay for calling him “Hup Head,” an invented nickname created to torment. There was a stretch of time I believed I’d absolutely never like Cortney, and Drew referred to me as “Cousin Jen” because we barely knew each other. One day, we were fighting like such psychopaths, our mom stood in the middle of the living room and screamed at the top of her lungs for ten seconds, stunning us into silence. The memory of this delights my heart as I sit here.
Listen, parents in the trenches of sibling tension like me: I’m pretty sure it’s all going to work out. I suspect our kids will not be the first generation to remain in adolescence and never grow into regular adults with developed brains. My siblings and I heel-kicked each other until we were black and blue, but as adults, we moved to the same city like an invading gang and spend time together every single week. In pairs or as a whole, we vacation, watch football, have Sunday lunch at Mom’s, go to dinner, go to concerts, go to the lake, go on trips, group text, FaceTime, make inside jokes, get each other through crises, list each other as references on our résumés because we have different last names. My siblings take my kids to ballets and come to their games. I asked Cortney if I could be in the delivery room for her first baby, and she said yes without asking Zac. We love each other and like each other, and this whole family thing stuck.
Every time I read how Jesus described the kingdom as a seed or yeast, I think of parenthood. That seed is planted, that yeast is mixed in, but, my gosh, you cannot see anything happening for a while. So much investment in our kids involves delayed gratification. Is it working? Did it take? Will it ever produce anything good? Because for a bit, all you can see is hard soil with nary an inch of green growth; at first, that dough is just sitting there without a hint of rise. We know we planted, we know we included the right ingredients, but the result is invisible, hidden, terrifyingly absent. We did the work, we said the words, and now we are waiting.
Family is far more resilient than I ever hoped. I bought the lie of hyper-controlled parenting for a while, but all it produced was despair every time my kids fought or went off the script. What was I doing wrong? How could I get this back on the rails? But the thing is, family is a messy business, especially in the building years. This is true for literally every family I know, regardless if they are sweet or spicy. No exceptions. When we sow seeds of love into our children, between our children, it will eventually bear fruit. Our job is just to plant, plant, plant, and wait.
The waiting eventually paid off for our long-suffering mom. We quit fighting and sneaking out and driving her Jeep into the river (Drew), and we grew up into best friends. Of course, some things remain the same: Drew and his wife were recently house hunting, and Cortney and I kept sending listings in each of our neighborhoods with corresponding propaganda. We were still vying for his proximity, but good news, reader: they bought a house three streets over, because, after all, he was my private baby.
HOW TO (PART ONE)
Dear reader, maybe you, like me, find yourself often in need of instruction. How do I get Pandora to play out of my television set? How do I keep my texts from popping up on the screen for my nosy children to read? How do I color my own hair without looking like Liza Minnelli? What I’m suggesting is that life is complicated and we need someone to help us. We need tutorials. We need mentorship. We need guidance down life’s thorny paths.
Well, I am here, a trustworthy advisor if ever there was one, amirite? I’ve identified a few sticky issues, tasks, and processes that bog us down and make our brains sad. How exactly do we do these things? How do we proceed? Are there rules or steps that might help us through hard things?
Why yes, yes there are. You are in luck today, girl. The following are entirely reasonable how-tos born out of actual life. These are tried and tested, and the results are guaranteed. (I wrote these in conjunction with my hilarious Facebook tribe, and many apologies to the overt liberties I took with your tutorials. My writing mantra is this: Any shared material is mine to butcher, narrate, embellish, or make inappropriate. It is truly hard to be my friend.)
HOW TO GO ON A DIET: THE “SLEEVING” METHOD
? Breakfast: egg white and veggie omelet
? Lunch: kale salad with 2-ounce chicken breast, assorted veggies, dressing on the side
? Snack: ? cup of plain Greek yogurt with berries
? Dinner: 4 pieces of deep dish pizza, leftover mashed potatoes, chips and guac, 2 granola bars, and a sleeve of Thin Mints dunked in a mocha
? Late snack: another sleeve of Thin Mints and a glass of wine
? Pre-bed final snack: shame and regret
HOW TO PLAN A FAMILY
1. Tell everyone you meet that you only want two children spaced over four years.
2. Actually have two kids in two years, because unprotected sex makes people pregnant. Feel confident that you are done.
3. Share a firm handshake with your spouse. Have a third baby. Sell all baby items in a yard sale, because obviously.
4. Make out with your spouse. Have twins, making your child count five in five years.
5. Send husband to urologist for vasectomy, because your body has done all it is going to do here and if he even shares a meaningful glance with you, you’re going to have triplets.
HOW TO WAKE YOUR CHILDREN UP PEACEFULLY FROM NAP TIME
1. Tiptoe into your own bedroom. Make absolutely no sound at all.
2. Ever so carefully climb into bed and assume a reclining position.
3. Close your eyes.
Programming Note: Your children should be fully awake by now and asking for snacks, but here is an extra step should you need it: Proceed with steps one to three above. Let yourself drift off for approximately ten to thirteen seconds but no more than fifteen. This should work without fail.
HOW TO SHOP AT TARGET
1. Make a list of two items: cotton balls and trash can. These are the only things you need.
2. Get sidetracked by the Dollar Spot, and add fifty dollars worth of items that are “only” a dollar. It is all crap, but cheap crap, and you are thrifty. You are actually saving money. (File that tidbit away to tell husband later.)
3. Rush past the clothing. Double back for the cute shirt/ sweater/yoga pants facing the aisle. No need to try on. If it doesn’t fit, you can put it in your trunk to return never.