I want to crawl into his arms and never leave.
He stays with me throughout the rest of the day and all of the following night, spooning me gently while I sleep, and when I wake up the next morning, I chase away the nurses and he helps me shower before settling me on his lap to watch TV.
I cling to him like that for the next two days, unable to let go, and he lets me, though he must think it strange. There’s so much left unsaid between us, so many things still unresolved, but all I care about at the moment is that I have him.
He’s mine to love and hate, no matter what.
* * *
To my annoyance, I heal slowly, the gash on my forehead requiring another surgery to minimize the scar and my shoulder paining me with every move. After another week at the clinic, however, I refuse to stay in my room all day, and Peter nearly kills the doctor who allows me to get up and walk down the hallway unsupervised.
Or at least, unsupervised by him.
I’m not the only one behaving irrationally after the accident. From what the nurses have told me, Peter hasn’t let me out of his sight for more than a few minutes since arriving at the clinic. He even tries to accompany me to the bathroom on the pretext that the painkillers make me dizzy. When I categorically refuse, he insists that at least one of the nurses be present, so he can be informed immediately if something goes wrong. He has to know this level of concern is not entirely sane, but like me, he can’t seem to help himself.
“I have to know you’re safe. I have to see you, touch you at all times,” he explains grimly when I assure him that I’m feeling better, and it’s okay to leave me for an hour for a business meeting with his men.
“You’re losing it,” Anton told him in front of me yesterday when Peter put off an important call with a potential client so he could be there for my bandage change. “Sara has eight nurses looking after her, and at least four doctors. Do you really think she needs you there?”
I actually do, but I remained silent, not wanting to add to our mutual madness. I’m pretty sure Peter hasn’t been neglecting his responsibilities to the team—whenever I wake up, I find him on his laptop or discussing business with his men—but the nurses have told me that all the Russians’ meetings have been held in the room next to mine while I sleep, with Peter looking in on me every ten minutes.
“Your husband is so devoted to you,” a young German nurse gushes when Peter leaves her to watch me while he showers. “I wish my fiancé was this crazy about me.”
I’m tempted to correct her, to tell her that Peter is my kidnapper, not my husband, but I can’t bring myself to burst her bubble. It wouldn’t do any good, anyway. The doctors and the nursing staff at this clinic must be paid exceptionally well for their discretion, because no one I’ve spoken to so far has been willing to call the authorities on my behalf. Not that I’ve tried all that hard to convince them. Not only am I pathologically incapable of being apart from my captor, but I also feel terrible that I already landed Yulia in hot water.
I desperately hope Peter won’t add her or Lucas to his list.
I consider talking to him about it, explaining that they’re in no way to blame for my accident, but whenever Peter’s men bring up Cyprus or the Kents, he gets such a hard, dangerous look in his eyes that I don’t dare press the issue. For the moment, Peter seems focused solely on my health, and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible.
I can’t have my dark knight going on another rampage—not when it’s all my fault.
In general, we haven’t spoken about my escape attempt or the events preceding it. Neither one of us can bear to bring it up. I don’t know if Peter still intends to force a child on me, or whether he even knows that himself. Either way, he hasn’t touched me—not in any sexual way at least.
I was glad at first—I was definitely in no condition to have sex those first few days—but now that I’m feeling better, I’m starting to wonder. My captor still wants me; I can feel his erection when I lie in his embrace. But he doesn’t do anything about it, doesn’t so much as kiss me on the lips. Even after I expressly cleared it with the doctors, he abstains, and I know it’s because he blames himself for the crash. We might not have talked about what happened, but it’s there between us, my injuries a constant reminder of what occurred that night. I see the torment in his eyes when he looks at my fading bruises, the same anguished guilt that consumed me after George’s accident.
What happened may have brought us closer, but it’s tearing Peter apart inside.
54
Peter
* * *
By the time we’ve been at the clinic for ten days, Sara insists on walking around on her own, and I let her, though Yan hijacks the hallway cameras so I can watch her on my laptop when she does.
I’m so consumed with Sara it’s crowding out everything, even my need for vengeance. I did manage to send my team to New Zealand a few hours after arriving at the clinic, but predictably, by the time they got there, Henderson had figured out his wife’s mistake and disappeared again. Normally, that would’ve enraged me, but I couldn’t work up enough energy for that. I still can’t. Even Lucas, who prudently flew home as soon as I got to the clinic, isn’t currently on my radar for his negligence with Sara. I still intend to make him pay, but for now, all that matters is that she’s alive and healing well.
I watch her all the time now, day and night. It’s gotten to the point where I barely eat or sleep. I don’t know what to do, how to turn off this obsessive fear for her safety. Every time I close my eyes, I dream about Lucas telling me she’s hurt, only when I get to the hospital, I find out he lied and she is dying.
It’s my new nightmare, and I can’t make it stop, any more than I can bring myself to let her go home.
That’s what I should do, I know that. Keeping Sara with me will destroy her. I see it now, as clearly as the stitches on her forehead. Even though there were times she seemed content back in Japan, inside, she was torn and bleeding. The separation from her family and the loss of her career are wounds that may never fully heal. Already, here at the clinic, she’s trying to help the doctors with the other patients—when she’s not asking them to call the FBI, that is.
My little bird hasn’t given up on flight, and I’m afraid she never will.