Not If I See You First

“It’s SOH-CAH-TOA,” I say. “Sine, Opposite, Hypotenuse; Cosine, Adjacent, Hypotenuse; Tangent, Opposite, Adjacent—”

“Whoa, word blizzard!” Sarah says and everyone cracks up again, including Stockley, but not me. I’m trying to keep it together here.

“Jesus, you guys, Asshole Hour is over.” I use my teacher voice if not teacher vocabulary. “Can we set a good example for the new student?”

“Does she mean us?” Sarah whispers. “We’re the assholes?”

“I’m not sure,” Faith says quietly, like they’re having a private conversation we can’t all hear. “I’m usually called a bitch.”

“Who calls you that?” Stockley sounds shocked and endearingly protective of someone he’s only just met. “Give me names and I’ll—”

“It’s nobody you can hit,” I say. “Unless you’re willing to hit girls.”

“Oh,” he says. “Sorry. Can’t help you there.”

“It’s fine, D.B., you’re—”

“What’s D.B.?” Faith asks. “I thought your name was Kent.”

“Everyone calls him Stockley,” Molly says.

“We’re getting off topic,” I say, hoping to avoid explaining to Faith what D.B. stands for. “The topic is SOHCAHTOA.”

Stockley starts reciting, “Sine, Opposite, Cosine, Adjacent—”

“No. Molly, write it down for him.”

“Look, it’s here in my notes,” Molly says and notebook pages shuffle.

“It’s easy to remember O means Opposite and all that,” Stockley says, “but remembering SO-CA-TAHOE…”

“It’s easier with a mnemonic,” Molly says. “Like… Some Old Hippie Caught Another Hippie Tripping On Acid—”

Now everyone’s really laughing, loud. I’m trying not to but Molly didn’t tell me that one before, so I’m caught off guard.

“Guys, shhh!” I hiss. “Ms. Ramsey’s going to come over here!”

“Oh my God!” Sarah says. “Oh! My! God! Somebody help us! We’re in Opposite World! We’re embarrassing Parker!”

Everybody completely loses it. I put my forehead down on the table with a hard thunk, playing my part, but really I’m breathing in the sound of everyone laughing like it’s my first deep breath after nearly drowning. I haven’t heard Sarah or even Faith laugh like this in years.

It’s okay, isn’t it, Dad? It’s not too soon, right? You’d want me to be okay, not falling apart anymore, I know it. This is my real birthday present to you, a day late…

Tears are coming. I don’t think it’s sadness trying to crash the party like it sometimes does. I’m just happy, whether or not I have a right to be, though in a desperate, unstable kind of way. I don’t want this all to go sideways.

The laughter calms and before anyone has a chance to say anything to kick it off again I lift my head and lean in.

“Everybody, shhh! Radius check. Radius check!”

Sarah and Faith quiet first—they know what this means. Stockley next, since he probably understood the least why we were laughing in the first place.

Molly stops last. “What’s radius check?”

“We’re alone,” Sarah says. “Except for Ms. Ramsey. She’s watching us through the glass but she can’t hear if we whisper.”

“There’s nobody else here,” Faith adds, “or she’d have come out by now.”

“What is it, Parker?” Sarah whispers. “Spill it.”

“Okay. So… there’s this guy I like—”

I’m interrupted by a lot of ooohs and I wave my hands.

“Okay, okay… shhh! I’m pretty sure he likes me, too, but… well, I screwed up—”

“He screwed up,” Molly says.

“Who?” Stockley asks.

“Yeah,” I say. “But I screwed up too, and worse. I want to fix it, but I need some help.”

Everyone is saying yes and of course and anything you need except for Stockley. He says in a voice that tells me he’s just realized something profound, “Oh, man… I’ve been here for like ten minutes… Am I one of the girls already?”

Silence.

“I didn’t plan it this way, D.B.,” I say truthfully. “But for what I’m thinking, I might need your help more than anyone’s.”

Silence.

“Are you in?” Molly asks. “Or out?”

Silence.

Sigh.

“In.”





TWENTY-FOUR


I’m having doubts now. Big surprise.

This seemed like such a good idea yesterday. I even set my alarm twenty minutes early to listen at the window; sure enough, a few minutes later two sets of footsteps jogged by. Seems like Jason and Scott are still friends, or at least running partners.

I held on fine stopping at my locker to drop off my stuff first thing this morning, and then walking to the field with Molly and Sarah. I didn’t even waver when they left me alone on the far bleachers to wait and Sarah called back, “This is batshit crazy Parker but good luck!” and Molly added, “You’ll do fine! See you at lunch!”

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