Turns out that she and the other girl, Halle, worked at New York magazine as interns. They didn’t get paid much, but they were invited to everything. One was from no farther away than Brooklyn, but her parents had wanted her to move out, and the other was from Boston.
I don’t know if they were honing their journalistic skills or if they were just nosy, but they sure did ask a lot of questions. “Where are you from?” “Why is a wet hen so mad?” “What are southern boys like?” “What do you do for kicks in Alabama?” I tried to sound interesting, but it was real hard. I didn’t imagine that tales of cotton farming and Friday night football would interest them. Luckily they loved my accent. It seemed that listening to me talk and hearing about a place they’d never been interested them plenty. That was the first time that I thought maybe I would stay in this big noisy city with a zillion people in it. Friends can really make any place seem livable, I think. The trick is to find a few of your own, and by the end of that dinner I felt like I had.
One night Margot got three seats to a Broadway musical through work and took Halle and me along. The first thing my grandma had said when we got word about me coming to New York was that I should go see a big musical on Broadway. She said it was something she had always wanted to do but she had never had the chance. I felt so grateful and excited to be going and a little bad that my grandma never had. I vowed to remember every last detail and relay them all to her on our Sunday call. My excitement was slightly squashed once we got to our seats. Turns out my friends’ editor’s son and a friend of his were in the seats next to us, and they were kind of cocky. Before the show even started they asked us to join them for dinner after at a famous old theater-district restaurant called Sardi’s. Thanks to Wikipedia and the crazy long line for the ladies’ room at intermission, I found out that Sardi’s is famous for having hundreds of stars’ caricatures on its walls. That sounded fine and all, but I really didn’t care for these two boys. The more they spoke, the stupider they seemed, like they didn’t even have the sense they were born with. Margot insisted we had to go on account of wanting to make a good impression on her boss, and Halle said we should go ’cause it would be fun. So we did. But it wasn’t.
Halfway between the appetizers and the main course, and well on my way to the realization that I was the fifth wheel, I excused myself to “go tee-tee,” a line that usually had Margot and Halle in stitches, but this time they were so busy trying to impress these nincompoops that I got nothing. As I passed the bar, I decided to prolong my absence by sitting down and ordering a cosmopolitan. I didn’t even know what was in one, just that it was pink. Like most girls my age, the sum total of my knowledge of what to do in a Manhattan bar came from watching reruns of Sex and the City. The older man sitting next to me was dressed like he was someone important, but he was a bit liquored up. He was drawing a pitchfork and devil horns on a photo in New York.
“My girlfriends work for New York,” I said, channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw.
“I have nothing against the magazine,” he said, slurring a little, “just this nightmare of a woman!” He shoved the picture toward me.
Under his devil scrawls was, according to the caption, an actress from That Southern Play. But it was the strangest of coincidences. I looked closer. There was no question: the actress was wearing my dress! Well, not my dress, really, but the one that got my picture on the front of Women’s Wear Daily and a host of modeling jobs to boot.
“That’s my dress!” I exclaimed proudly.
He plopped down his glass for a refill, and the bartender reluctantly poured him another while explaining to me, “Don’t mind him—he produced what was to be the hottest play of the season and his actress flew the coop.”
“That’s awful,” I said, ’cause it was.
“She was awful,” he answered. “She did a horrible southern accent, and her reviews were dreadful. I hired her only because the investors pushed me to. I’ll never do that again.”
“Like my grandma always says, you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.” I looked at the desecrated picture again and added, in full southern drawl, “Bless her heart.”
Hearing my accent, he didn’t seem to know if I was for real or was just mocking him, so he asked me, “What are you doing at this bar? Did someone send you over here to audition?”
“Audition? Why, no, sir. I’m just getting away from two boys who think the sun comes up just to hear ’em crow.”
The producer’s eyes popped out. “Who sent you? Stephen Schwartz? Nathan Lane? That is quite a heavy accent you got there!”
“Heavier than a cow in a cotton field!” I told him.
And so it was that right there at Sardi’s I auditioned for my first part on the Broadway stage for the producer of That Southern Play. Soon I’ll make my Broadway debut! Not too shabby for an Alabama girl.
I don’t mean to sound like a T-shirt, but really, I love New York!
CHAPTER 25
In Too Deep at the Ostrich Detective Agency
By Andie Rand, Private Detective