He pulled her into his arms and kissed her until she was clinging to him like a drowning girl. “I had to see you,” he said finally, his breath as ragged as hers. Then he picked her up and carried her down the hallway. The whole house shook, and somewhere she dropped the flowers. He put her down on her narrow twin bed and covered her body with his, kissing her. When he pressed against her, she could feel his hardness through her jeans.
His tongue played with hers, and the feel of it pushed her toward something, a wanting—a needing—that was new and frightening and powerful. Without thinking about it, she pulled him onto her, so she could feel how much he wanted her.
He cursed and broke free, sliding off of her. At her confused frown, he tried to smile, but the look in his eyes was dark. She saw her own desire mirrored there. The difference was that he wasn’t afraid. “It’s better if we don’t do that,” he said shakily.
“I know,” she said, pulling her sweater back down. Her eyes stung, and she didn’t know why exactly, but she felt ashamed. She rolled onto her side, away from him. He tucked up against her, molded his body to hers.
“Why are you so afraid of me, Lexi? I don’t mean sex. I mean me. Why are you so sure I’ll hurt you?”
“Because I love you, Zach.”
“But I love you, too.”
She sighed. Zach’s view of love had been painted by his family; hers was a little darker. She knew how it felt to be abandoned by someone who’d claimed love. “Just hold me, Zach,” she said, settling deeper into his arms.
As they lay there, she stared at the floor. A single rose lay on the industrial gray carpeting, stepped on, its bright red blossom tattered and torn.
*
With winter break came the first round of college deadlines. By the time classes ended on the twenty-third of December, Lexi had mailed in most of her applications, and the waiting game had begun. She often woke in the middle of the night, with her heart pounding, a nightmare of rejection still hanging in the back of her mind. Zach and Mia were stressed out, too, but it wasn’t so bad for them. Sure, they wanted USC, but there were no bad answers waiting for them. The question for them wasn’t if they’d go to a four-year school; it was which one they would choose. The only one who seemed totally whacked out about the process was Jude, who couldn’t seem to have a conversation that didn’t include some college reference.
Tonight, Lexi was at the ice cream shop, working late. The school vacation gave business a shot in the arm. Families came downtown to Christmas shop, strolling from store to store beneath trees outlined in sparkling white lights.
She was ringing up a quart of fig and goat cheese ice cream when the phone rang. Thanking the well-dressed woman at the register, she answered, “Amoré Ice Cream Shop. This is Alexa. May I help you?”
“Lex, it’s Mia.”
“You’re not supposed to call me here.”
“The Ottomans are gone for the weekend.”
“So?”
“Kim’s having a party. We’ll pick you up at nine, okay?”
“Lexi,” Mrs. Solter said firmly. “That’s a business phone.”
“Okay,” Lexi said.
Mia said, “Later,” and hung up.
Lexi went back to work. From then on, the minutes seemed to crawl forward on sore knees, but finally the ice cream shop was closed up and Lexi was outside in the cold, waiting. All around her, Christmas lights hung from eaves and wrapped around potted trees in front of the local businesses. Bright banners hung from the lampposts, fluttering in the night air, and a giant illuminated star hung above Main Street.
A red SUV pulled up in front of her. Mia opened the passenger door and leaned out. “Hey!”
Lexi hurried around to the back door and climbed in the backseat, where Zach was waiting for her.
“Hey, Lexi,” Tyler said from the driver’s seat.
“Hey,” Lexi said, cuddling up to Zach.
“I missed you,” he said.
“I missed you, too.”
They’d been together last night, studying with Mia in the Farradays’ big media room (and making out whenever Mia left them alone), but it felt like a long time ago.
“I called your aunt,” Mia said. “She said it’s cool if you stay at my house tonight.”
Lexi leaned against Zach, rested her hand on his thigh.
She had to be touching him.