Never Never: Part Three (Never Never #3)

She kicks her feet up on the dash and says, “Like Mom, thank God. I would die if I was born as pale as Dad.”

I sink into my seat a little with that answer. I was hoping we looked more like our dad, so when I see him in a little while, he’ll feel a tiny bit familiar. I pick up the journal, wanting to distract myself from the fact that I remember nothing about the people who gave life to me.

I flip to the very last day I wrote in my diary. It’s probably the thing I should have read first, but I wanted some context. There are two entries for this day, so I start with the first one.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3RD.

Day your dog gets run over

Day father goes to prison

Day you have to move out of your childhood home and into a dump

Day your mother stops looking at you

Day your boyfriend punches someone’s dad

All the shittiest days of my life. I don’t even want to talk about it. By next week everyone else will be, though. Everything just keeps getting worse. I am trying so hard to fix things, make them right. Keep my family out of the gutter, even though that’s exactly where we’re heading. I feel like I’m swimming against this big wave and there’s no way to win. People at school are looking at me differently. Silas says it’s all in my head, but it’s easier for him to believe that. He’s the one with the father. His life is still intact. Maybe it’s not fair of me to say this, but I get so mad when he tells me everything is going to be all right—because it’s not. Clearly it’s not. He thinks his father is innocent. I DO NOT! How can I be with someone whose family despises me? My dad isn’t around for them to hate so they transferred it all on me. My family made their precious family look bad. My dad is rotting in prison while they walk around and carry on with their lives, like he doesn’t even matter. What they did to my family matters and everything is not going to be all right. My dad hates Silas. How can I be with someone who is tied to the person who locked him up? It makes me feel so sick. Despite all of this, it’s so hard for me to walk away from him. When I get angry he says all the right things. But I know deep in my heart that this isn’t good for either of us. Silas is so stubborn though. Even if I tried to break up with him he wouldn’t let me. It’s like a challenge to him.

I act like I don’t care? He acts like he doesn’t care.

I start cheating on him with his mortal enemy?

He starts cheating on me with his mortal enemy’s sister.

He hears I’m at the diner with friends? He shows up with his friends.

We’re volatile together. We weren’t always like this. It all started when everything came to a head with our fathers. Before that, if anyone would have told me I’d do everything I could to get rid of him one day, I would have laughed in their face. Who would have thought that our lives that fit so perfectly together would—almost overnight—become unrecognizable?

Silas and Charlie’s lives don’t fit together anymore. It’s too hard now. It’s taking more effort than either of us is capable of.

I don’t want him to hate me. I just don’t want him to love me anymore.

So… I’ve been acting different. It’s not that hard to act different, because I actually am different after all of this. But I’ve been letting him see it instead of hiding it. I’m mean. I didn’t know I was capable of being this mean. And I’m distant. And I’m letting him see me flirt with other guys. A few hours ago, he punched Brian’s dad when he overheard him tell another customer that I was Brian’s girlfriend. I’m not sure we’ve ever gotten in that big of a fight before. I wanted him to yell at me. I wanted him to see me for what I really am.

I wanted him to see that he can do so much better.

Instead, right before they threw him out of the diner, he took a step toward me. He bent until his mouth was at my ear and he whispered, “Why, Charlie? Why do you want me to hate you?”

My sob caught in my throat as he was pulled away from me. He held my gaze as he was escorted outside. The look in his eye—it was one I’ve never seen before. It was full of…indifference. As if he finally stopped having hope.

And based on the text I just received from him before I began this journal entry…I think he’s finally done fighting for us. His text said, I’m on my way to your house. You owe me a proper break-up.

He’s finally fed up with it all. And we are over. Really over. And I should be glad, because this was my plan all along, but instead I can’t stop crying.





Charlie has been extremely quiet as she reads. She’s not taking notes or telling me anything that might be of use to us. At one point, I saw her swipe her hand under her eye, but if it was a tear, she hid it well. It made me curious what she was reading, so I peeked over and tried to read from the journal.