“I’m not sure if Andrew likes it.”
“You could shave it all off and he’d still think you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. He adores you.”
“It hasn’t felt like it lately. He’s been so busy.” I opened the door a crack, hoping she would ask me to explain more, hoping she’d seen that something was wrong between us.
“He’s just focused. He dropped your father off yesterday, then went straight back to the job site.” She shook her head. “He’s a hard worker, that husband of yours.”
I heard the respect in her voice, felt it sinking through my body. She hadn’t noticed anything. The truth was pushing at my tongue. I couldn’t keep this all inside anymore, couldn’t bear the weight of all this worry and fear, but I felt a wild panic at the idea of telling my mom. I imagined the look on Andrew’s face if he found out I had talked about him. I thought about the hunting rifle he kept in the gun safe—even though he rarely hunted. I thought about how he kept Sophie’s passport in his bank security deposit box and was the only one who had a key.
Mom slid a plate of cookies toward me.
“I’m not hungry, thanks.”
“You okay?”
His drinking is out of control, Mom. He gets so angry when he’s drunk. I think he might really hurt me. You don’t know what he’s like. I can’t breathe. He’s so jealous. He spies on me and goes through my things. He wants another child but I’m taking birth control. I keep it hidden in my tampon box. I want to leave him but I’m terrified he’ll take Sophie away from me somehow. I don’t have anything of my own. What should I do? How can I get out of this? I don’t have a credit card or bank account. Everything is in his name. I’m trapped.
I imagined how shocked and confused and upset my mom would be. How much my having hidden the truth for so long would hurt her. How worried she’d be about Sophie and me.
“I ate before I came over.” I took another sip of my tea. I wanted to stay in this moment a little longer. “Is Dad’s shoulder getting any better?”
She shook her head. “He tried the exercises the doctor prescribed, but they haven’t helped. Surgery would be the next step, but it’s risky. Thank God Andrew gave him that job.”
“Does he still like working for him?”
She tilted her head. “Of course. Why?”
I swallowed a couple of times, trying to dislodge the tight, desperate feeling in my throat that was always there lately. “I just wonder sometimes if it might be strange for him, working for his son-in-law. If he wanted to do something else, it would be okay with me.”
“Your dad knows that.” She rested her hand on mine. She was looking straight into my eyes with a concerned expression. This was my chance.
“You and Dad are so important to me, and—”
My mom’s eyes widened. “Oh! I want to show you the catalogue Andrew dropped off.”
“Catalogue?”
“He’s sending your father and me on a cruise—for an anniversary present, but he’s calling it a bonus, you know, for tax reasons. He hasn’t told you? I hope it wasn’t a surprise. Maybe he’s taking you too!” She got up, talking excitedly about where they would go. “You’ll have to help me pick out some cruise wear. You know, we’ve never been on a real holiday before.”
She sat back down with the catalogue, pushed it toward me, but I couldn’t make my arms move, could only stare at the shiny cover with the smiling couple.
“Lindsey?”
“Sorry. I was thinking about something.” I straightened my chair, pulled it closer.
She was still looking at me. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, just a little tired. I probably need a vitamin B shot.”
“That’s a good idea. Having a toddler is exhausting.” She flipped the catalogue opened to a marked page. “What do you think about this one?”