“You mean like sleeping pills?
I nod. “My brother got them for me because I was too scared to get a prescription. Andrew had started tracking my finances even closer after he discovered I was secretly taking birth control pills. I didn’t tell you about that either.…” I look up at his face, waiting to see how he reacts to this new revelation, but his expression is still understanding.
“I’m not surprised,” he says. “Of course you didn’t want to get pregnant when you were in an abusive marriage.” He gives my hand a squeeze.
My body relaxes. I didn’t realize how these secrets had been eating at me, how much it means to be able to finally share them with Marcus.
“I was going to give him a few of the sleeping pills, but he’d been drinking a lot that night and I was worried if I gave him too many, he’d die. So I only dropped two into his glass.”
“That seems smart. You had to get out of that house.”
“Yes, but he must have woken up—maybe he got sick from the mixture. I don’t know what happened. Later, I realized I might have left the cotton from the bottle on the counter. All these years, I wasn’t sure, but when Andrew approached me outside the bank, he said something that made me realize he did know I drugged him. That’s why he was so angry that night.”
“You blame yourself for the accident?”
“I know logically that he was the one who chose to get behind the wheel, but the thing about Andrew was that even when he was drinking, he could still drive okay. He was usually more careful. Sometimes I couldn’t even tell. I think the pills changed his coordination. After the accident I read online that some people sleepwalk when they drink and take sleeping pills.”
Marcus is just watching me, his eyes intense.
“Can you say something?”
“Sorry. I was waiting for you to finish. It sounds like you’ve been torturing yourself over this for a long time, and I understand. Trust me, I understand, but you need to forgive yourself.”
“Even though it’s my fault that woman died?”
“Elizabeth,” he says.
I pause, surprised to hear him say her name.
He catches my look. “You mentioned it once.”
I nod. “Right. Elizabeth. I just can’t help thinking if I hadn’t drugged him, he wouldn’t have lost control of the truck. Or if I’d just given him more pills.…”
“You’d probably be in prison right now and Sophie wouldn’t have a mother. You can imagine a thousand different scenarios, Lindsey, but you aren’t responsible for his choices. The chances of it being a sleepwalking situation are pretty rare. He knew what he was doing.”
I lean back against the couch. “I’ve told myself that so many times, but I don’t think I’ve ever believed it until now. I was so scared you’d think I was a terrible monster.”
“Not even close. We’re all capable of doing things we never thought possible.” He gives my hand a squeeze, reaches for his coffee mug, and takes a sip.
I smile at him. “What have you ever done that’s so bad?”
He smiles back. “Well, apparently I’m dating a monster.”
I lightly punch his shoulder. “That’s not nice!”
He winces and pretends to rub at the spot. “See? She’s a dangerous woman.”
I laugh, lean forward, and give his arm a kiss. “You’re right, I’m very dangerous.” I take the mug out of his hand, and set it on the table, then slide my hand up his my forearm, to the sensitive spot at his elbow, where I rub a slow circle with my thumb. He gives me a look.
“How about we take advantage of our alone time?” I say.
He hesitates. “I was hoping to get out on the lake soon.”
“This won’t take long.” I stand up and straddle his body, kiss him until his mouth opens. We stumble to the bedroom, toss our clothes onto the floor, and collapse onto the bed. We make love, our hands entwined over his head, our breaths mingling. I can’t see his eyes, his face buried in my neck, but I can feel his desperate need for release, our bodies rocking together. Every time I slow, his hands sink into my flesh, urging me on.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
SOPHIE