It’s what I wanted, right? So why does everything inside me feel like it’s ripping apart in different directions? Why can’t I stop thinking about how empty everything feels now?
I hear a scratching sound near the window. I look up, waiting for the sound again. When Jared used to sneak into my bedroom at night, he’d tap softly on the glass to get my attention. I hold my breath, until I realize it’s just branches. Of course it’s not Jared. Even if he did remember the address and came out to the lake to find me, he doesn’t know which room is mine.
I roll into a ball under the thick quilt and tuck my legs tight against my chest. The sheets are cold against my skin. I think about my dad walking through our old house. Did he sit on Mom’s bed? I wonder if he went into my room. Everyone thinks he fell by accident, but I worry sometimes that he did it on purpose. He wanted us to find him like that.
I get out of bed, rummage through my makeup bag, where I’ve hidden the sleeping pills Jared gave me. I take one, rinse away the bitter taste with a handful of water from the tap. Then I stare in the mirror. Mom said everything would feel different by spring break. She was wrong.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
LINDSEY
Marcus and I have been hiking in the woods for an hour. It’s stopped raining, but the trees are still wet and cold drops of water land on my head or drip down the back of my neck. The damp brush slaps at me as we push our way through the trail. We haven’t seen anybody else, not even a deer or a rabbit, and the forest is quiet. I’m careful where I put my feet, but I still slip a couple of times and have to reach out to Marcus or grab a branch to steady myself. We’ve been climbing uphill for the last few miles. Marcus wants to show me the view from the lookout.
“Trust me, it’s worth it. You can see all the way to the ocean.”
It better be amazing. My leg muscles are aching, and I’m so hot from the exertion I’ve had to take off my coat and wrap it around my waist. Angus is running ahead, his tongue lolling, and his fur gathering bits of twigs and leaves. There’s mud all the way up to his shoulders.
This morning the power was back and Marcus cheerfully made eggs, bacon, and pancakes while I showered. When I came into the kitchen, he already had a pitcher of orange juice, plates, cutlery, and a bundle of napkins set out on the table.
“Where’s Sophie?” I said.
“Still sleeping.”
“I’ll wake her.”
“Let her sleep. This house is meant for relaxing.”
I sat down at the table, pulled the plate closer, and inhaled the scent of bacon. “Yum.” I took a crunchy bite—he’d cooked it exactly how I like it. “Do you think she’s sleeping too much?”
He sat down across from me and shook pepper over his eggs. “Teens always sleep.”
“I worry that she’s depressed.”
“Would you like me to talk with her?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. That might make her resent you.” They seemed to get along well, at least she was always polite and friendly to him and said she was happy for me, but she’d pulled away so much now that she was dating Jared, it was hard to be sure.
“How about we give it some time? It’s only been a couple of months since Andrew died, and grief can come and go for many years. Trust me, I’ve been there. Sometimes sleep is the only peace you can get, the only time where you don’t hurt. It’s okay for a little while.”
I reached across and held his hand. “Thank you for always saying the right thing.”
“Oh, I say the wrong thing lots of times, but I feel pretty confident about this. Sophie’s going to come through just fine. Now eat your breakfast, I’m taking you for a hike.”
We finally reach the summit, and I flop down on a rock, not caring that the seat of my jeans gets wet. I wipe at my forehead and blow my breath out. “Wow. That was steep.”
Marcus is standing in front of me, almost at the cliff’s edge, and surveying the view. He spreads his arms out wide. “Isn’t this incredible?” he says. “Nature at its finest.”
The view is stunning, stretching for miles, with sleepy mountains bathed in misty clouds. Nestled in the middle I can see the lake, and far into the distance the long dark blue stretch of ocean. He turns to look back at me, beckons with his hand. “Come see.”
“I can see just fine from here.”
He laughs. “Get up, lazy bones. You need to feel the breeze on your face.”
I stand beside him, resting my cheek on his shoulder, enjoying the scent of rain and forest on him. “You’re right. That breeze is lovely.” I notice a pretty fern on the edge of the cliff, lean over to take a look, and feel my shoes slip on the rock. Marcus grabs my hand, yanks me back.
“Careful. It’s a long way down.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder, holds me tight against him. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You just don’t want to have to climb down to get me.” I laugh, but my heart is beating fast at the near-miss. I glance over the edge at the dark trees far below, the jagged rocks.