My head moved, shaking side to side. I couldn't stop it. I wanted to deny everything she was reaching for, but it was impossible. “No, but that changes nothing.”
“For me, it changes a lot. Some people... they're better off dead.”
I swear, she was trying to pour her strength into me. She was as determined as Jacob to open my eyes. Marina believed what she was saying, just as Jacob had, so long ago.
I wanted to believed it, too.
Sliding my arm back, I tried to escape. Her other hand closed on my forearm, forcing me still. Confused, I let her lift my hand. Marina was peering at my knuckles. “Jacob wouldn't tell me what these tattoos meant. The whole 'swim' thing.”
“He's good at keeping secrets,” I said softly.
Her lashes were a fringe, but they didn't hide the determination in her black pupils. “The other day, I won the paintball contest. I'm supposed to get anything I ask for. Well, I want you to tell me what these mean.”
The edges of my frown couldn't have gone deeper. “That's what you want?” I'd expected her to ask for something... bigger. Bolder.
Something like her guaranteed survival.
My silence gave my thoughts away. Marina smiled, soft and tender. “You already told me, you can't promise what I want from you guys. Nothing has changed, asking for my life to be spared would be a waste.”
I was ready to grab her face and scream. I'd declare to Marina and the world that if we could only be certain she'd never be our downfall, then of course I'd promise her safety.
I was burning to promise her anything.
And I fucking couldn't.
“I'm right, aren't I?” she asked bluntly.
Looking to the side briefly, I nodded. My mouth was sour. “Yes.”
Until she proves herself... the answer is yes.
“Then tell me.” Holding my hand in hers, she curled my fingers into a fist. One by one, she gently tapped each of the letters on my knuckles. “What does this mean?”
I loathed thinking about this shit. Stick to the basics. “I got the tattoos when I was thirteen.”
“Thirteen?” she laughed, acting like she didn't believe me. I arched an eyebrow, watched her let my hand go. “Who would tattoo a thirteen-year old?”
“The wrong people will do anything for money. Anyway, you wanted to know what they meant, not how I got them.” Waiting for her to nod, I pressed on. “The phrase means... shit, how do I explain this?” So much of the meaning was tied to my history.
To what Jacob and I had done.
Shaking myself, I fought down the wave of sickness. My childhood memories could die in a sewer. I wished they would.
I said, “Think of life like—like land. Sturdy ground.” Marina titled her head, locks of hair tumbling down her shoulders. “Most people stand on this ground. Then there are... others. People who get pulled into the river.”
“The river?” Her doubt was strong. I didn't care. She wanted to understand but she could not understand. All Marina could do was listen, and my single option was to talk.
“This river is dark, and strong. It will drown you if you stay in it.” Breathing in sharply, I stared at my open palms. “It's a bad place for bad people. You're stuck in it, wondering if you'll make it to the other side or if you'll drop to the bottom and drown. And all you can do—the only option you'll ever have—is to swim.” In the pale light, my tattoos hurt my own eyes. “You swim, or you die. If you're lucky... you'll get to the other side.”
Freedom.
My eyes bounced up, finding her perplexed face.
Please don't let her be our anchor.
Marina leaned away, fiddling with the ends of her hair. “I don't understand. Why are you swimming? Why is that important to you?”
“Because it reminds me who I am, and what I am.” Those early days on the street were rough. Jacob and I did everything we could to stay alive. Stealing, fighting, struggling. Even then, that life had been better than what I'd abandoned.
I'd known the river way before we took our first contract.
The loud buzzing of my phone startled me. Marina flinched, too. Her eyes locked on my phone as I yanked it out. I saw Jacob's name a second before I heard him speak. “Hey,” he said, cheerful and smooth. “Where are you?”
Glancing at the girl across from me, I turned in my chair. “Just getting some coffee, what's up?”
“Is she with you?”
My heart stalled. “Yes.”
He breathed out, the sound crackling in my ear. “Kite, I need you to listen very carefully.”
Shutting my eyes, I showed my back to Marina and nodded to the air. Jacob was talking, a low rumble of a thundercloud. Tension built between my shoulder blades.
True to my word, I listened carefully to every word that slid into my skull. It was good that I was looking away from Marina. The last thing I wanted was for her to see my expression. She must have noticed the tightness in my body, though. I was imitating a cinder block.
Hidden from the world, my heart was a roiling sea.
- Chapter 33 -
Marina
––––––––
Kite was hunched away from me, everything in his body language said this conversation was important.