His silence fills the huge space and I turn to see if he’s still there. He is. He sits with his head in his hands, staring at his coffee cup.
‘Chris?’
He looks up and his eyes are swollen with tears.
‘Oh God, Kate,’ he whispers. ‘I’m so sorry. You deserved so much better than me. You’re right, I am an arsehole. It should be me who got punished, not you.’
I nod my head and look into his eyes. Here in the bright light of the cafe I can see him properly for the first time. Our whole relationship had been conducted in near darkness; sneaking into bed in the early hours of the morning, clandestine meetings on hotel balconies as the sun went down. We were a pair of vampires who sucked the life out of each other. Now, looking at him in the white glare of the strip lights, I realize that I have no idea who he is. The man who I made love to, who caused me to tremble with lust and desire, who kissed my forehead as I lay in his arms, was a shadow, a figment of my imagination. He bears no resemblance whatsoever to the man sitting opposite me now in his expensive suit.
The cafe doors open and a family with two young children come inside. One of the children, a girl, has her arm in a sling and the parents look exhausted as they navigate their charges towards a vacant table.
‘It was callous of me,’ says Chris, leaning in to let the family pass. ‘Cowardly. And believe me, Kate, I have gone over that last conversation in my head countless times since then, wondering if I could have done it differently.’
I look at the little girl with the bandaged arm as she settles into her seat and suddenly this whole conversation with Chris seems utterly futile. I want him to go now so I can be with Hannah and David. So I can find some redemption for all of it: for my brother, Nidal, Sally.
‘Chris,’ I say, folding my arms across my chest, ‘what’s the point of all this? We’re over. Whatever we had is over. Your wife and daughters need your undivided attention. I understand that.’
‘You’re being remarkably calm, Kate,’ he says, smiling nervously.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake,’ I yell. ‘What do you want to hear? That you ripped my heart to shreds?’
A polite silence descends upon the cafe, broken only by the high-pitched chatter of the children at the table behind us.
But I’m angry now and I want to unsettle him, want him to feel the pain that is invading every inch of my body.
‘Your wife,’ I say, raising my voice slightly. ‘She’s not at all how I imagined. But, hey, you were always full of surprises.’
He puts his head in his hands and I turn away. This is pathetic. I’m being pathetic. But I can’t stop myself.
‘I needed you,’ he says. ‘Not once did I lie. You knew from the beginning that I was married.’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘And you said that you didn’t want commitment,’ he continues. ‘What with your father and everything, the idea of marriage repulsed you. You told me that when we first met, before anything had happened.’
‘And you said your wife repulsed you, if I remember correctly,’ I say, my voice catching.
His shoulders sag.
‘I love you, Kate,’ he says.
Big fat tears well in my eyes. Why won’t he just stop?
‘I love you so much it scares me. But we could never work. We’ve seen the same horrors; we have the same nightmares. I read what your cameraman, Graham, said in the paper about that child in Aleppo and I knew what you’d gone through because I’ve hauled bodies like his from shallow graves, sometimes up to ten of them a day. I’ve cradled them in my arms and they looked just like my children sleeping.’
His face is puffy with tears and I can’t help but lean across and wipe his cheek gently. He catches my wrist and kisses it.
‘When I close my eyes at night I see those dead children,’ he says. ‘There’s a darkness that sits up here and won’t go away.’ He taps his forehead with my hand. ‘That’s why I need Helen. I need her because she has no idea what I’ve seen. I can go home and forget everything. I can wash away the smells and replace the images. The house, the girls, Helen, they’re untainted.’
‘And I’m damaged goods,’ I say, releasing my hand from his grasp.
‘No, Kate,’ he says. ‘You are beautiful and clever and brave, the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. And if this world was good and just, well, who knows what would have happened.’
‘Happy ever after,’ I say ruefully. ‘You know that doesn’t exist, Chris, and it wasn’t what I was looking for.’
‘Then what was it?’ He leans forward and stares at me. ‘What made you stay with me all those years?’
‘While I was with you the nightmares stopped,’ I say. I meet his gaze for a moment then turn and look out of the window.