“We’ll be inside in just a second,” she said.
This is where real Emily needed to pretend to be ball-busting Emily, but Tiny really did look sad. Even ball-busting Emily wasn’t heartless Emily.
“Is there something I can help with?”
Garth filled in the blanks. “Tiny’s got a big old case of puppy love, just like a big old slobbery Saint Bernard.”
“Shut up, Garth. You don’t know anything about anything,” Georgie said.
Tiny’s head dropped back down. “Naw, he’s right. It’s just puppy love. It’ll pass.”
“It doesn’t have to pass, T. You just have to tell her how you feel. Maybe she feels the same way about you.” Who would have guessed Georgie was so sentimental? Along with all those tattoos and piercings and chronic PMS.
The sunlight bounced off Tiny’s bald head as he shook it. “An exotic beauty like her? She’d never go for a jughead like me.”
“I don’t know about that. Let’s give her a little credit. If she’s smart enough, she’ll realize she’d be lucky to have you.”
Georgie’s soft side was endearing, but whoever this woman was, and however earnest Tiny’s affection might be, Emily couldn’t imagine a woman jumping at the chance to be his girl. He was three hundred pounds of tattooed bad judgment. He had a dog collar on his ankle, for God’s sake. And as if the collar alone wasn’t insult enough, Garth had gotten him a little pink bone-shaped dog tag that said Tiny on it, so now when he walked, he jingled, like Bad Biker Santa.
“Um, I don’t mean to pry, but since we’re technically talking about this during business hours, might I ask who is the object of your affection?” Emily asked.
“More like the object of his affliction.” Garth snickered at his own pun.
“Shut up, Garth,” Emily and Georgie said in unison.
The screen door slammed as Horsey wandered out onto the porch eating an apple with his enormous teeth. “What’s up, pussycats? Oh, pardon me, boss lady. I didn’t mean you. Didn’t see you down there.” His skin flushed, but Emily smiled back.
“No problem. We were just having a discussion about the state of Tiny’s love life.”
“Oh, so he told you about Gloria, huh?”
“Gloria?” Emily responded. “Not . . . Gloria Persimmons.”
Tiny’s jack-o’-lantern-like head popped up and his cheeks went scarlet, confirming her guess. “Do you know her?”
“Of course I know her. I grew up here, remember? Gloria and I are friends.”
“You are?” His tone was reverent, and Emily had to wonder if they could possibly be talking about the same Gloria Persimmons. Walrus-faced, too-loud, bubble-gum-popping Gloria Persimmons. But there could not possibly be two of them. She was a true original.
The screen door slammed again as Matt and Wyatt joined the rest of them, and Emily resigned herself to the fact that she’d get no work out of them until this topic had been thoroughly discussed. Over the past few days, remodeling progress had been delayed by discussions about why deer was plural for the animals but dear wasn’t plural for people, if the moon landing had actually happened, followed by a lively discussion about Area 51, and why anyone thought that a tree falling in the woods wouldn’t make noise if there was no one there to hear it. And of course there were the yoga breaks that Matt said he needed, which meant Georgie stopped whatever she was doing just so she could discreetly watch him. It really didn’t take much to get this group off track, but it took an enormous amount of effort to get them back on track.
“What’s going on?” Matt asked, looking around at the group.
“Nothing you’d understand, dude,” Horsey answered. “Not with your chick-magnet man bun and all your caramel sultra sexy yoga moves.” Horsey swayed and moved his arms around slowly in what was probably supposed to look like a . . . yoga pose? Please be a yoga pose and not his idea of a sex position.
Matt smiled, and all the angels smiled back. “Kama Sutra.”
“Huh?” A little piece of apple fell from Horsey’s mouth.
“It’s Kama Sutra. Not caramel sultra.”
“Well, now see?” Horsey tossed his hands up in the air. “That’s why you get the babes and the rest of us don’t.”
That was not the reason. Well, it might be why Matt did get the babes, but it was not the reason why the rest of them didn’t. There was a long, exhaustive list of all the reasons why these other derelict guys did not get the babes. Starting with their lack of attention to personal hygiene and ending with . . . more lack of attention to personal hygiene.
“Tiny is certain that Gloria Persimmons would never go out with him, and I’m trying to convince him that he should at least ask her,” Georgie said. “No guts, no glory. And no Gloria, right?”
Matt nodded and sat down on the other side of Tiny. “You haven’t even asked her out, bro? Why not?”
“Because she’s . . . enchanting, like a princess. Have you seen her hair? It’s like spun gold.”
Spun gold growing out of brown dirt. Emily had just seen Gloria, and her dark roots were as wide as Tiny’s beefy thumb. Any woman could have that gold hair if they bought it from a box like she did.
“Have you at least talked to her?” Emily asked. “I don’t think she’s dating anyone.” Actually, she knew for a fact that Gloria was not currently dating anyone because they’d discussed it endlessly at drunk puzzle night.
“Of course she’s not. Who on this island is worthy of her?” Tiny said.
Perspective was an amazing thing. Maybe the dopamine in Tiny’s brain had somehow been kicked into overdrive, blinding him to some of Gloria’s more unique attributes.
“You are worthy of her,” Georgie answered. “I totally think she’d say yes if you asked her.”
“You know she comes to my yoga class every Monday, T. Maybe you should join, and then you can have a chance to talk to her,” Matt said.
“Oh, I think that’s not the best idea,” Emily blurted out. “I mean, yes, I think you should definitely talk to her, but I’m not sure yoga class is the best place.”
“Why?” Horsey asked, taking another big bite of apple.
“Why?” Garth said, laughing. “You think seeing Tiny’s big lard-ass pointing up at the mountain dog or whatever they call it, you think if she’s behind him and sees that she’s gonna think, ‘Oh yeah. Get me some of that.’”
Georgie scowled at her brother. “Shut up, Garth! Gosh, you’re so mean. Don’t listen to him, Tiny. He’s just jealous because he knows Gloria will probably say yes to you and she’d never say yes to him.”
Actually, Emily had been thinking exactly what Garth had said, but she just might have phrased it a little more gently. In fact, she might have turned it around completely. Like this.