“Racer’s a big boy. He can handle finishing up on his own. You, on the other hand, I want to know what the hell is depriving me of your beautiful smile.”
My lips purse together as I try to hold back more tears. He’s so sweet and it’s confusing. Is he just being nice because I’m his friend, or is there something else there? I want to believe there is something else. I feel like there is, but then again, I also feel slight resistance in Tucker, as if he hasn’t fully given himself over to me. When I really consider us, that’s what’s concerning, because it all just circles back around to what Logan pointed out.
“Emma, please,” he whispers as his forehead presses against my cheek. “If it’s something I did, I’m sorry. If it’s because of Racer being here, I was just trying to get the living room fixed up to surprise you. I wanted to make it warm and inviting, a place where you can study instead of being locked in your room or at the library all the time. I even bought a coffee table. Fuck, I’ll never have Racer come over again.”
Oh this sweet, sweet man.
“It’s not Racer,” I breathe out.
“Then what is it?” He pulls me in tighter. It’s as if he’s worried that if he lets go, he’ll lose me forever. “Please talk to me, Emma.”
I bite down on my lip for a second and come to the realization that I’m just going to have to talk to him. Be honest. Jesus, be a grown-up.
“I told Logan about us.” The mention of Logan’s name has Tucker sitting up and looking down at me, his hand still around my waist.
“What did he fucking say to you? Did he touch you? I swear to God, I will drop him to the floor so fucking fast.”
I press my hand against Tucker’s chest to calm him down. “He didn’t touch me, Tucker. We’re just friends.”
“Yeah, then what the fuck did he say to you? Because clearly whatever he said is why you’re so upset.”
“He was just nervous about your intentions, that’s all.” Okay, he might have said a little more than that but I’m not ready to speak about Sadie, and I know Tucker isn’t as well, hence rule number six.
“About my intentions?” he roars. Oh boy, he’s mad. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Tucker has never liked Logan and now I know he’s never, ever going to like him. “Where does this dickhead come off questioning my relationship with you? He doesn’t even know me; he doesn’t know us.”
“He was just concerned, that’s all.” I try to rub the tension in Tucker’s chest but he doesn’t budge. His muscles are firing up and he’s raking his hand through his hair. He hops out of bed and that’s when I realize he’s only wearing a pair of boxer briefs. He paces the room, anger in every step. Quite frankly, I’m beginning to feel concerned for Logan’s welfare. Shit, I never should have never said anything. I can kiss goodbye study sessions over here with Logan, as there’s no way Tucker will allow him in this house.
“He doesn’t need to be concerned because it’s none of his goddamn business.” Tucker turns toward me, one hand on his hip, the other pulling on the back of his neck. Frustration courses through his body and you can visibly see it in how his body flexes with fury, like he’s about to spin around and punch the living shit out of my wall. “So what did he say? Did he tell you to break up with me? To move in with him so he can take care of you because I’m some fucking monster?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Then what did he say?” Tucker asks, anger pouring off him.
Think, Emma. Diffuse this situation. Make it better, because right now it seems like Tucker is about to have an aneurism.
I sit up on the bed and push my back against the wall. “Can you please come sit down, you’re making me nervous.”
His face relaxes and instantly turns into concern with a slice of regret. “Shit,” he mutters and sits down next to me. He pulls me onto his lap so I’m facing him and he places his hands on my hips. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you nervous. I’m just . . . fuck. I’m irritated. I don’t like that whatever he said upset you. What we have is between us, Emma, and no one else. “
“What do we have, Tucker?” I ask softly, wanting desperately to hear that he feels the same about me as I do for him.
He lifts my chin and looks me in the eyes. “We have something fucking special. Something that makes me happy. You make me happy, Emma. Everything about you from your smile to your laughter, to your healing touch, I can’t get enough of you.”
I swallow hard. “But don’t you think there are some things between us that are holding us back?”
“Like what?”
Sadie.
Isn’t it obvious? And what about the room I’m not allowed in? But instead of bringing up my best friend, I say, “Your mom, you don’t ever want to talk about her.”
“I don’t,” Tucker agrees. “She’s a vile woman who deserves what’s been handed to her.”
“Don’t you think you should talk about it though? For healing?” I’m totally alluding to something else. Hint, hint, Sadie, but he doesn’t take the bait.
“There is nothing really to talk about, babe.”
“Then why is she on the rules of not to talk about?” HINT, HINT!
He runs both hands over his face and blows out a long breath. “Because, she’s not worth the words. She was a terrible mom. When my dad wasn’t around, she didn’t care that she had a child. There were days where I only had a meal to eat because I scrounged it up from the school or friends helped me out. And when my dad passed, it was all downhill from there. I had to fend for myself. The only good thing that came from my mom was her signing off on me working for Julius at such a young age. Granted, I caught her when she was high as shit, but I got her signature and from there on out, I was self-sufficient. She’s a piece of crap, Emma, not worth talking about.”
I cup his face, my heart breaking for the boy I knew so many years ago. I was either na?ve, or totally oblivious to real life, but I never really got the impression that Tucker was fighting to provide for himself as a kid. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed it.”
“You didn’t know. Not many people did. I didn’t wave around my dirty laundry asking for help. I got it where I needed it.”
Aka, Sadie.
My heart rips apart.
It stings.
How I now wish I was the one who helped him back then, the one who took him in and took care of him, not Sadie.
“Still. I wasn’t a good friend.”
“You’ve always been a good friend, Emma.” He brings his lips to my forehead and kisses me softly. “You’re better than anything I deserve.” He sighs and says, “I’m sorry Logan made you question what we have. I don’t want you worrying, Emma. We’re solid, babe. There is nothing for you to worry about, okay?”
We’re solid, babe.
Nothing to worry about.
His answers seem so simple, and yet, it feels entirely way too complicated.
He brings his mouth close to mine and repeats, “Okay?”