“Well, I hit you with the confession that I was raised to be a chauvinistic misogynist, and you have yet to comment. I’m not stupid enough to think you don’t have an opinion on it. In fact, I have no doubt your opinions have opinions.”
I push up on my elbow and stare down at him. “Max ...” I struggle to find the right words. I begin slowly, so I don’t say the wrong thing. “I don’t know who you used to be, but I like who you are now, and that’s enough for me.” I’m so unused to being this emotionally expressive, my voice is shaking. “And I know you’ve been told this by a lot of women, but I ...” I look into his face. “I’ve never said anything like this to a man before, so for me, this is a big deal. You’re ... amazing. And what you do is amazing. If you see your work as some kind of penance, then I think you’ve more than made up for your past.”
He lets out a noisy breath though his nose, like he’s been holding it in since he confessed his most shameful sins. Honestly, with what I now know about his family, I’m surprised he didn’t devolve into a class-A asshole and declare war on the world, but I guess those sorts of major life events define you. There’s a choice whether to give in to the darkness or struggle toward the light, and Max ended up being full of light.
He stares up at me. “So ... I’m glad you didn’t take out a restraining order, but ... where do we go from here?”
I suck up my fear and start with trying to be honest. “I’ve never had a healthy emotional relationship with a man. Or, any relationship with a man, really.” I say it fast, thinking it might sound less pathetic that way. It doesn’t. “I don’t even know where to start in trying to be with you.”
He moves closer, so we’re almost nose to nose. “I’ve had a lot of perfect relationships, but none of them have been real. This whole thing will be one big learning curve for me, too.”
Swallowing my rising panic, I graze my fingers from his temple to his chin. Being so affectionate with him is all new to me, and I’m nervous I’m not doing it right. “I have trust issues. I’m impatient and judgmental. And I’ve never admitted this before, but I never refill ice cube trays when they’re empty. I leave them for Asha, every single time.”
He slides his hand from my shoulder, down over my butt, to the back of my knee, and he pulls my leg up to his hip, so he can slide his thigh between my legs. He keeps looking me in the eyes as he rocks a little, pressing his erection against where I’m aching the most.
“I hate myself on so many levels,” he says, his voice becoming breathy, “I should probably be in therapy. And when I used to share a bathroom with my brother, I’d leave a single square of toilet paper, so he’d have to change the roll.”
I circle my hips and press down on his thigh while gripping his back to give myself better leverage.
“So,” I say, “we both agree we’re terrible people and that falling for each other is probably a bad idea.”
“Absolutely.” He climbs on top of me, so he’s fully between my legs, and I spread my thighs. “One of the worst ideas ever.” He grinds against me, his hardness feeling incredible against my softness. “But I don’t care. Even if this whole thing goes down in flames, you’re already the best bad decision I’ve ever made.”
I pull him closer. Our noses are touching now. “Last chance to change your mind.”
He searches my eyes. “Never going to happen. Ever.”
For a moment, we both stop and stare at each other, and there’s a whole other conversation that happens in the silence. One in which an imaginary doctor shakes his head in sympathy as he says, “I’m sorry. They’re too far gone. There’s nothing I can do.”
I hold my breath as Max leans down and kisses me gently, and I don’t want to move in case I ruin the moment. His lips are so soft and warm, I could live in this moment forever and be a happy woman. He adds a little suction before pulling back, and then he angles his head and kisses me again, a little more pressure this time, my top lip caught between his. Though his body is tense and hard, this – the gentle press and suck of his lips and the delicate way he moves his mouth over mine – it demonstrates supreme restraint. The need to discover me for the first time instead of just giving into the hormones that are demanding we get naked as soon as possible.
His kisses slowly become more passionate, and when our tongues touch, we both make noises that speak of the slow, sweet torture of taking our time. I give up trying to think and just feel, letting my muscles melt into the mattress as he adjusts his position to wrap his arms more firmly around me.
He once told me that you could live and die within the lifetime of a good kiss, and that’s what this feels like. As if I’ve always known the shape of his mouth but never experienced it before. Like all of our interlocking parts have been biding their time, watching people come and go from our lives, until we found each other.
The longer and deeper he kisses me, the more the air catches in my chest. My blood rushes, my limbs tremble, and I feel like I’m falling in slow motion, but every second, I speed up a little. His tongue is more insistent. He grips me harder. I go from caressing him to gripping him. Pulling at him. Walking the line from civilized to feral and back again.
“Max?”
“Hmmmm.” He kisses around my words.
“You once told me that a kiss is most effective when it doesn’t lead to sex.”
“Yes.” His hand is wrapped around my hip now, squeezing and releasing in time with his pelvis pressing against me.
“This kiss is beyond spectacular, but I just wanted to make sure that you’re planning on having sex with me, right?”
He pushes his hand under my shirt and brushes it up against my ribcage, then the curve of my breast.
“No. No sex this morning.” He looks down at me as his giant hand closes around my breast, the rough pad of his thumb teasing my nipple. “I’m going to fuck you now, then later when my body isn’t calling all the shots, we’ll get around to various forms of making love. But definitely no plain, boring sex will be happening. Not with you. Not ever.”
He kisses me again, and this time he starts grinding against me in time with the sweep of his tongue. I groan and press up to meet him, and within seconds, my need for him transforms from hazy and delicate to raw and brutal as we both let the lusty beasts that have been grazing on our suppressed passion for the past few weeks, well and truly out of their cages.