“No. Then she’ll know she upset me. I don’t want to give her that satisfaction.”
“Yeah, well, the alternative…staying….is making you miserable. I’m not going to accept that.” Dex placed a wad of cash on the table to cover our bill and signaled for me to follow him.
I forced my eyes away from Caroline as we passed her table and exited the restaurant.
We made our way into the Town Car, and Dex instructed Sam to just drive around for a while until we knew where we wanted to go next.
Dex took my hand in his. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“You don’t need to apologize again.”
“I’m glad we at least got to eat before she showed up.”
I stared out the window for a bit before I said, “I’ve never been a jealous person. I wish it didn’t upset me so much.” It was hard to admit how I felt, but seeing her—especially how beautiful she was—really did catch me off guard. In a weird way, it made me want him more because I suddenly felt insecure and possessive.
“I think it’s adorable that you’re jealous. And it’s also a bit of a relief, because it shows me that you care about me at a time when I really need that reassurance.”
“I’m the one feeling self-conscious right now. She was absolutely stunning.”
“She’s physically beautiful. But so are a lot of women. It takes more than a pretty face to get me to the point of obsession. That’s where I am with you, Bianca. Not only are you the only woman I care to be with physically right now, but I fell for your mind long before my dick became impossible to control.” He squeezed my hand. “And you want to talk about jealousy? Do you have any idea what a wreck I was every single second you were out on that date? But it’s good to be open about this kind of stuff. We should be honest about our feelings, especially when it helps us determine where we stand with each other.”
Speaking of honesty, something had been really gnawing away at me for some time now. It was the one secret I’d kept hidden from the get-go. I’d given him grief about his deception when I was hiding something of my own. It felt like the right time to confess what brought me to him in the first place.
My palms felt sweaty. “I have to tell you something.”
Seeming concerned by my tone, he loosened his grip on my hand. “Alright…”
Here goes.
“I’ve knocked you for your dishonesty. But I haven’t been completely truthful with you about something. There’s a piece of information I’ve been keeping from you since the day we met.”
“Tell me this doesn’t have to do with another man.”
“No.”
“Thank fuck.”
“Well…not in the way you might think.”
“What are you talking about?”
“There was a reason I volunteered to interview you. It wasn’t just for curiosity’s sake.”
“Okay…what was it, then?”
“Your father was the reason.”
“My father…”
“Yes.”
“What about my father?”
“My mother used to work for him.”
“Your mother…worked for my father? What did she do at Montague?”
“She was his secretary for a time.”
“You’re kidding.”
“No.”
“God, he went through so many secretaries. How long did she work for him?”
“I’m not sure. Several years.”
“Well, that’s certainly longer than most.”
“I know. Your dad fired her, though, and that led to some serious money problems for my family because we were dependent on that paycheck. Dexter Sr. apparently paid very well. We’d become accustomed to having that security.”
“What happened after that?”
“Well, I was too young to remember but from what my mother told me, my dad’s company downsized around the same time, and he lost a good portion of his income. That was sort of the point where my parents’ marital problems really started. My father had an affair around that time. So my mother losing her job was really the beginning of the end.”
“And you associate all of this bad stuff happening with what my father did. That was sort of the catalyst.”
“Yes. I realize it wasn’t directly his fault, but it made me want to somehow get back at him by conducting the interview with you. I had originally planned to make it difficult for you. But that never happened, of course, because I soon realized that you were nothing like your father.”
“I can’t believe you kept this from me.”
“Well, I think you can understand the need to hide an uncomfortable truth.”
He nodded. “I certainly can, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to admit your original intentions. I just wish you had opened up to me about it sooner. I wouldn’t have held it against you. You didn’t know me then, and honestly, my father was a shitty human being, so you had every reason to want retribution.”
“I would never want to do anything to hurt you now, Dex. Please believe that. I feel so foolish thinking back to that time.”
“You know what I think?”
“What?”
“We’ve both made mistakes—especially me. I think we’ve done enough lying to each other and enough apologizing. Why don’t we stop dwelling on the past. Let’s stop letting other people get in the way of our happiness, too, whether that’s fictional Jay, Caroline, or my father. Let’s just move on.” He kissed my forehead. “Unless you have anything else to confess?”
“I don’t.” I smiled. “Thank you for understanding. And you’re right. No more focusing on the past.”
“You could’ve told me something far worse, and, honestly, at this point, Bianca, I’d have let it slide because I want you too damn much. I can’t go back. You could’ve told me you murdered someone, and the next thing I’d know, I’d be harboring a fugitive.”
“You’re crazy, Dex.”
“I know you have trust issues, and I know I’ve contributed to them. But I really do want to help undo some of the damage.”
“It goes far beyond what happened with us. My father’s affair, his leaving us when I was so very young, really made me an untrustworthy person, in general. There’s no man a girl is supposed to trust more than her father. His betraying my mother when times got rough conditioned me to always wait for the other shoe to drop. I won’t let you take all the blame for my hesitation with you. It goes far beyond you or…Jay.”
“Okay, then we’ve established that we both have the same fear.”
“The same?”
“Yes. You fear that I’ll turn out like our fathers, and that’s exactly my own fear. I worry that even though I know right from wrong, that I’m somehow genetically predisposed to being a bad person. Honestly, the Jay facade made me wonder more than ever. The fact that I was capable of pulling that off—of deceiving you—served as evidence in my own mind that my fear is warranted. How much control do I really have over my actions if I was able to make a split-second decision like that? So, I worry, too. But at some point we just have to let go and see what happens.”