“Dix, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you’re kind of living in the past. Please know I say this with love, but honey, you’ve outgrown it and that’s okay. You need to move into the current century and I think the reason you haven’t done anything about that is because deep down, you know this is a temporary pit stop in your past. Eventually you are going to have to face the fact that you were born to perform. You need it. The world needs it. I know it’s hard to let the past go—hello, I married my high school sweetheart. But sometimes it’s necessary.” She sighs and pats my hand gently before continuing. “Dallas and I had to grow up, we grew apart, and then we grew together. We are still growing, in friendship and in love and as people. In my case, literally.” I smile when she pats her expanding belly. “I want that kind of love for everyone, especially for you. But I can’t stand to see you hurting like this, stuck like this, bogged down by the past. Your face last night . . . you were so excited when you came offstage and my heart broke for you when I watched you realize he wasn’t there. You just . . . you were crumbling. Piece by piece. I could see it. Dallas could see it. Everyone with eyes could see it. You kept the mask on for us, but I want you to know that you can break apart. You can fall down. We will be there to pick you back up. I promise.”
I don’t know what to say. Everything she’s said is true so I just keep quiet, swallowing the lump of emotion currently clogging my airway.
“Girl, you rocked it last night. Hard-core. We were all blown away and I’ll admit, I didn’t know you had that in you. I don’t know if you knew you had that in you.”
“I didn’t,” I interrupt, my voice hitching on the last word.
“Right. Well, now you do. You’re coming into your own now and everyone saw that. And now it’s time to do something about it. But first, something has to give with Gavin and I don’t know what it is, but he needs to either be there for you and make you a priority, or bow out gracefully. For your sake, for the band’s sake, and for his sake because I suspect if he hurts you like that, Dallas might murder him. I really don’t want the father of my child to spend his life in jail.”
“I think he just . . .” I search for the right words, but how do you explain what’s going on in your head when you can’t even understand it yourself?
“ . . . needs to make an actual choice. It’s time, Dix. For what it’s worth, I think he loves you as much as he is capable of loving another person, but he made his choice last night and for whatever reason, it wasn’t you.”
A thick knot of emotion keeps any more excuses from escaping.
“I’m sorry,” Robyn says while patting my hand. “I don’t mean to say that it will be easy, because I know it won’t. But it’s time to move forward. With or without him.”
I nod because she’s right. “I know.”
Robyn stands to leave but then she stops abruptly. I have a mini panic attack that she’s going into preterm labor or something but she gives me a sad smile.
“Remember Billy Gleason? From middle school?”
I nod. “Yeah, the freckle-faced asshole who heard the boys shortening my name and started calling me ‘Dicks’ and drawing penises all over my stuff.”
Robyn laughs softly. “Yeah, him.”
“Dallas heard him teasing me and beat the crap out of him. He was suspended for three days and Papa was superharsh on him those days, making him do slave labor at home from dawn till dark.”
Robyn nods. “Yeah, about that. It wasn’t Dallas who beat him up. Billy, I mean.”
I feel my forehead wrinkle in confusion. “Yes, it was. Busted him up pretty bad, actually. He had to get stiches in his cheek and lip and eyebrow, if I remember correctly. Billy carried my books and my lunch every day for weeks and pretty much spent the remainder of sixth grade apologizing to me.”
Robyn looks at me like I am clueless. “I know. I remember. But it wasn’t Dallas that made that happen.” She tilts her head to the side as if contemplating not telling me the rest. But then she finishes. “It was Gavin. Dallas took the fall because Gavin had already been in trouble one too many times that year.”
I feel as if my entire life has been a lie.
“Seriously?”
She nods. “Seriously. And there have been . . . other things, other times when Dallas took the fall for him because he thought he was doing the right thing. But you and I both know that won’t be possible forever.”
“What are you say, exactly?”
“I’m saying that there is a darkness in Gavin, a side of him that is dangerous to people who care about him. To Dallas and to you. He hurt that kid, badly. For teasing you. And he let Dallas take the blame and deal with the consequences.” Robyn continues before I can argue. “Gavin’s always had it rougher than any of us, but you need to know, Dixie, that his salvation is not on your shoulders. The battle he’s fighting this time is his and his alone—and hopefully he’ll conquer his demons, but if he doesn’t . . . you will be okay and we will be here for you. And him.”