‘I have to do this,’ Joe presses on. ‘For the kids’ sake. They want their mum back. You must see that.’
When I finally find my voice, I say, ‘So let me get this straight. She walks out on you, on her family, makes scant effort to see her children and then, when she decides that all in the garden of love isn’t rosy and she might be missing out on something, she clicks her fingers and strolls right back in again as if nothing’s happened?’
Joe sighs. ‘That pretty much sums it up.’
‘And you’re happy about that?’ Outwardly, I sound calm but inside my heart is shattering into a thousand pieces.
‘No.’ He uses those strong fingers, so recently making delicate daisy chains, to massage his forehead. ‘Of course not. I’ve hardly had a wink of sleep this week going over everything time and time again.’
He certainly looks anguished. ‘Do you still love her?’
‘I don’t know,’ he says, honestly. ‘We’ve been together for so long, we have history. Should we throw it away if there’s a chance we can salvage what we had? We’re still married. Even though she left me for someone else, we’ve never actually finalised divorce proceedings.’
Fool that I am, I thought that was simply a matter of logistics rather than emotion.
‘I have to do this.’ Joe looks as wretched as I feel. ‘Don’t you see? Gina and I have a lot of work to do and I don’t think for a minute it will be easy, but I feel as if I have to try for the sake of the family. If we can salvage something from the wreckage, then we have to give it a go.’
Noble words and, frankly, it’s nothing less than I would expect from Joe.
‘Daisy’s only thirteen. It’s a difficult age for a girl – you’ll know that more than me. I know she’d be better off if her mum was home again. Neither of the kids like shuttling between houses, but it affects Daisy most of all. She needs Gina to be around for her.’
The sun’s beating down on my head again, my neck, my shoulders, making me feel queasy.
‘This isn’t really about what I want, Ruby. You know that.’ His fingers find mine across the table. ‘In different circumstances, I think we could really have made a go of this.’
I get a flashback to our bodies entwined on the only night we spent together, the warmth and affection between us, the passion and, foolishly, I hoped for a lifetime of that. And not just that. Not simply the physical stuff. I like Joe, l love Joe – his strength, his honesty, his kindness. Even now while he’s trying to let me down gently, I admire him all the more for it. Where will I find all that again? What will I do without him? How can I admit that I never really had him at all?
Slow tears squeeze out of my eyes, when I really don’t want them to.
‘Oh, Ruby. Don’t cry.’ He thumbs away the tears from my cheek. ‘Please don’t cry.’
‘I can’t help it.’ I’m already grieving for what I nearly had. I know I could have loved him more than his wife. I could have loved him better. But she’s had his children and those ties can never be broken.
‘Will it help if I tell you that I do love you?’
‘No,’ I say with a wavering sigh. ‘I really don’t think that it does.’
‘You’ll find someone. A man who’s worthy of you. You’re a wonderful woman.’ He strokes my hand softly, tenderly and it breaks my heart. I’d give anything to have one last night, one last day with him. For it not to end here, like this.
Yet there’s nothing else that can be said. Gina is taking up her place again in the family unit and I’m out in the cold. There’s no point asking if we can still be friends as I couldn’t bear it.
Standing, I pick up my bag. ‘I hope it works out for you.’ I sound so brave, that I almost believe it myself.
Joe stands too and, I can’t help myself, I go to him and he takes me in his arms. He holds me tight, rocking me against him and I let my tears flow. He kisses my hair, strokes my face and I feel that I’ll never be able to let him go.
When we’ve stood there for too, too long locked in our final embrace, unwilling to let go, he eventually says, ‘Goodbye, Ruby.’
‘Goodbye, Joe. Give my love to the kids.’
Then before I lose my dignity completely, I walk away. I get in my car and somehow, through a blur of tears, manage to drive round the corner until I’m out of sight of Sunshine Meadows. Then I pull to the side of the road and I cry and cry and cry until I feel that my eyeballs might drop out of my head.
Chapter Eighty-One
‘Shit,’ Charlie says when I tell her.
‘Yeah.’ I haven’t gone into work as I can’t stop crying. Mason will be hacked off with me but I couldn’t care less. I may not have known Joe all that long, but I feel devastated.
Charlie came straight over and now we’re sitting on the sofa bingeing on Take That DVDs. ‘Gary will cheer us up,’ she says, confidently.
So we watch the lads strut their stuff and sing along with them. I bawl my eyes out at all the sad songs – ‘Back for Good, ‘Love Ain’t Here Anymore’ and ‘Pray’ are particularly difficult. Though Charlie is slightly disappointed that I don’t know all the lyrics off by heart.
‘He told me he loves me,’ I sob in Charlie’s arms.
‘Fucker,’ is her verdict.
But Joe’s not a fucker, he’s a nice man and I’ve lost him.
We eat a tub of Ben & Jerry’s each – Cookie Dough for Charlie, Baked Alaska for me – glug our way through a bottle of wine apiece, then scoff two bags of Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations and a bar of 70% Lindt.
Then, when that has made me feel no better, we send out for pizza. Extra large ones. Hawaiian with extra pineapple for Charlie. Meaty Treat for me. And garlic bread. And coleslaw. Even though I don’t even like coleslaw. We polish off the lot.
If this is comfort eating, it’s not working. Charlie just wants to be sick and I still feel like crap.
Chapter Eighty-Two
Weeks go by. I haul myself through my shifts, struggling to find a smile even for the regulars who I like. Yet my tired heart hasn’t stopped hoping for the call that says Joe has made a big mistake and it’s me he wants after all. Yeah. Was that a pig I saw flying across the sky? Plus the weather has taken a turn for the worse and it’s not like summer at all. It’s more like December – cold with freezing rain. Even that’s coming out in sympathy with me. No one should be this miserable in blazing sun.
Charlie shoots off straight after her shift as she’s going to a concert with some of the people from her Take That forum including Nice Paul. I don’t want to go home to my empty flat, so I hang around in the bar talking to Jay about nothing in particular and having a double espresso in the hope that an excess of caffeine might lift my flagging spirits.
Then Jay has to go off and tend to his accounts and I’m just thinking about gathering my stuff together when Mason comes in. He brushes the rain from his immaculate hair and strides across the bar towards me.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘I hoped to catch you.’
I hold up my hands. ‘Consider me caught.’