"I . . . yes," I lied, steeling my spine. "That, and the fact that I'm sick, too. I'm sick. That girl you were kissing at the charity event, you should be with her. Someone normal, someone . . ." I trailed off, not knowing exactly how to end that statement. Someone better, healthier . . . someone not me. Oh God, just the thought hurt with an intensity that stole my breath. I felt like I was dying inside.
He regarded me for several tense moments, his eyes moving over my features. "Is that what you want? You want me to be with her?"
"Yes," I said, feeling as if I might be sick. "Yes, that's for the best." My body was cold and shaky. Ryan took a step backward. I opened my mouth to beg him not to go, but snapped it shut. This was for him. And really, this was for me, too. This was for the best. Wasn't it?
"Why'd you come to San Francisco?" he demanded.
"Why?"
"Yes. If what you felt for me wasn't real, then why are you here?"
"The hospital . . . it's one of the best and—"
"That's a lie. There are plenty of good hospitals all over the United States. Why here?"
I released a breath. "I just . . . I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I wanted to be able to check on you, to see you. I was worried, I—"
"You did care."
"Yes, of course I cared. I know what it's like to be sick and alone. But that's all. I checked on you, but I never meant to see you again."
"You were following me. I saw you. God, Lily, I thought I was going crazy again." He put his hand on his forehead and leaned his head back, gazing at the ceiling for a moment before looking back down, directly into my eyes. No. No, he was never meant to notice me.
I blinked. "I didn't know you saw me. I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? Jesus." He ran his fingers through his hair, already tousled as if he'd been running his hand through it before he even got here. I remembered the feel of that hair, remembered the texture as if it were a memory branded into my skin. "You're sorry," he repeated as I chewed at my lip.
"You thought I was nothing more than a vision," I said, the hurt of that, the ridiculous, irrational hurt finding me again. But maybe it would make it easier for him to walk away now. And that was a good thing. It had to be.
"And yet I still longed for you. I should have known." He looked off behind me for a moment. "It's just that everything was . . . and I had a hard time trusting myself—"
"I know. I understand."
Something came into his expression. Something I couldn't read, something intense. "You don't think it's fate? That we met each other? And then that we were at the same damn party? How is that not fate? We found each other once, through that huge expanse of forest—two people reaching for each other in the dark. Take my hand, Lily. Grasp on to me now. Please." He reached his hand out toward me, begging me with his eyes. I sucked in a gasp of air, raising my hand. Just as I knew the soft texture of his hair—longed to run my fingers through it again—his strong, graceful hands had touched me intimately. They'd touched my body and my soul. I ached for his touch again. Just one touch, Lily. Feel his love one more time. Our fingertips brushed.
Behind Ryan, I saw the woman with the aquarium badge walk past, glance at us and hurry away. There was my answer. There was my fate. Not Ryan. Never him . . . "I have to go," I breathed. I dropped my hand. "No, Ryan, I have to go. We can never be together. Never. Don't contact me again. I have to go." Ryan stared at me for a second and then dropped his own hand, stepping aside.
"Go then."
I moved around him and hurried toward the entrance, resisting the urge to break into sobs.
**********
"Hey, girl," Nyala said, swinging the door open and turning away immediately. "Close it behind you. I'm writing." I shut the door and headed toward her office, the despair of my run-in with Ryan making me feel slow, sluggish, heartsick.
I had left the aquarium needing a friend, needing Nyala. I'd called her, but she hadn't answered. I knew that didn't mean she wasn't home and available, though—she rarely answered her phone—so I'd hoped for the best and taken the bus to her duplex in The Mission.