"I'll show you the best place to see them. And then I'll walk you back. It's getting late."
"It's not that late," I said, not ready for my time with her to end. "You could come back with me and hang out for a little while," I suggested, but Lily shook her head.
"No, not tonight."
Not tonight. But that meant maybe another night. I'd hold on to that. I barely know you, Lily, but I already like you. And somehow, I feel like I need you.
The forest felt alive all around us: movement in the brush, soft scampering on the ground close by, wings flapping softly in the trees. Maybe I had tuned it all out when I'd been here alone not wanting to consider what was making those noises. But suddenly, with Lily at my side, I felt no anxiety. She obviously knew this place well. If she wasn't nervous, neither was I.
We came to a rock formation, and I followed her as she began climbing it. At the top there was a large, flat rock and she dropped down and lay back, gazing up at the stars. I lay down next to her and looked up. The sky was glittering and sparkling above and it took my breath for a moment. It didn’t feel like I was looking up at it, but like I was part of it, like I was floating amongst it. It was as if we had stepped off some magical cliff and tumbled straight into the sky.
"I feel like this whole night is a dream," I said. "I feel like I'll wake up in San Francisco after having fallen asleep for a minute and realize I dreamed this entire thing. Dreamed you." I turned my head and found that Lily was already looking at me, watching me as I watched the sky.
She smiled and propped herself up on one elbow. "San Francisco? Is that where you live?"
I came up on one elbow, too, and faced her. "Yeah." I almost told her that I played football for the 49ers, but it was as if here, in this forest, that life didn't exist. I wanted to leave that Holden behind, just for now and continue as we'd started, sharing things we chose to share, but not everything, not now. Here, I didn't want to be . . . him. I just wanted to be me.
I suddenly realized I didn't want to explain my life to her. I looked away, embarrassment at my own situation assaulting me. I'd never had to explain it to anyone. The vast majority of the world already knew. Saying it out loud, choosing the words, would mean taking ownership of it somehow, and that's what made me hesitate. If I told my story out loud, and if I told it truthfully, I would be forced to claim it. Until now, there had never been reason to do that.
Maybe that was it, this strange removal from my own life. Ever since I'd been drafted and become part of the tabloid fodder, I'd begun feeling like I belonged to the world. I'd started looking to the opinions and judgments of the general public as the narrative of my own existence. It was dissatisfying and arduous, and because of it, I'd spent the last three years never feeling truly known by anyone, maybe even myself. Of course, I hadn't helped my situation with my choices—everything I did these days practically guaranteed judgment and condemnation and was talked about in big, bold headlines. It was . . . lonely.
But I didn't want to think about all that now. I didn't want to see an expression of disappointment and disdain on Lily's beautiful face. I didn't want this girl to know what a mess I was. I wanted to leave that behind and enjoy the one simple moment of peace I'd had in years.
Lily's eyes had been moving over my face as if trying to read my thoughts through my expression. I turned, looking momentarily back up at the clear starlit sky. "How old are you, Lily? Have you lived here all your life?"
She paused for a moment and then said, "Nineteen, almost twenty, and yes, I've lived in Colorado all my life. I grew up near Telluride."
Nineteen. That was young, and she seemed very innocent . . . yet somehow very wise, too. I was six years older than her. But in that moment it didn't seem to make any difference at all.
I smiled, my eyes moving over her beautiful features again and lingering on her full lips for a moment. I wondered if they'd be as warm as the rest of her, or if they'd feel cool against my own. "Tell me something about your past," she murmured. Tit for tat. I searched my mind for something to give her about my own childhood.
"I was a Boy Scout. I earned all kinds of awards, actually. I was the pride of troop one sixty-one." Confusion made my head throb for a moment. Yes, yes I had been a Boy Scout. I'd forgotten that.
Lily laughed, falling back, and bringing me back to the moment. "I'll build a rock shrine in your honor once you leave these woods."
I laughed. "If I leave these woods. I've obviously required some assistance in the recent past."
"Your secret is safe with me. Troop one sixty-one will never be the wiser." She leaned up again and grinned over at me, and my heart picked up speed.
"Did you like it? Being a Boy Scout?"