The stars didn’t answer.
Had I ruined it? I’d wanted to be perfect, but Shan de Pau drinking and gambling with money not his had awoken the rage in my blood born by Seve’s death. I was good—no one had seen me, and no one would ever know Pau hadn’t done it. Of course he’d protest, but anyone would.
I tucked the coin into the chest pocket of my shirt. I’d killed five people and more had died because of me, but it was all for nothing if I wasn’t named Opal. Knowing the names of the Erlend lords was nothing if I couldn’t get to them.
What was one more, five, five dozen when I’d so much blood on my hands I’d never be able to pay it back?
They were dead, blood drained and bodies burned, but they were my deaths to carry and mine to remember, no matter how dark their pasts. Just like I’d made Seve remember. Just like I’d make the others remember.
North Star. Deadfall. Riparian. Caldera. Winter.
Grell. Eight. Seven. Seve. Tonin.
And tomorrow would come no matter how much blood I’d wasted. I fell asleep beneath the twinkling stars with the scents of lemon and ink filling my dreams.
Forty-Three
I woke with the sun. Maud wafted the steam from a cup of tea under my nose and whispered my name till I rolled onto my back. Daylight burned through my eyes.
I was going to meet Marianna da Ignasi, Our Queen of the Eastern Spires and Lady of Lightning.
And I had to sit through breakfast first.
Two looked like the raging heart of a fire, dressed in deep reds and oranges, sunny yellows and golds, with a flicker of blue silk draped across her chest.
Five wasn’t there.
“He went first.” Two curled her bare hands around a steaming mug of tea, fingers shaking, and smiled. “The room feels larger without everyone else.”
“I’m sorry about Three and Four.” I poured myself a cup of tea, too afraid of getting food on my clothes to eat, and spooned enough honey in it to rile up Four from beyond the pyre. “Four was all right, even for trying to disqualify me.”
“It was so fast,” she said, not even acknowledging I’d spoken. “The last audition went on for two weeks.”
“But you’re alive.”
“It doesn’t bother you, does it? Killing?”
“It does,” I said softly, “but we all signed up knowing we could die. Everyone has an ending.”
I would remember them forever—their names, my reasons, the way their bodies slumped in death and their eyes stared through me. If I stopped, if I let their deaths weigh me down and keep me from being Opal, it was all for nothing. There was no going back.
I was what I was, and they were a part of me now.
Two opened her mouth, but Dimas bowed next to her. She twisted away from me.
“The Left Hand is ready to see you.” He gestured toward the nook.
Two rocked back and forth on her heels, lingering behind Dimas, and said, “I didn’t want them to die alone and leave me behind.”
I stared at her retreating back.
They still had, and there was nothing anyone could do to fix that. Killing like Five did with Three was monstrous, like the lords did with the shadows as their weapon. That should bother people. This was nothing.
I dunked a roll in my tea. It would’ve been awful to see Rath here—watch him kill, tremble with the weight of something he’d not known, till one day, he wasn’t at breakfast. He’d have lost himself. I couldn’t have watched it.
I set the roll aside and stirred my tea to pass the time, forcing thoughts of Five and Two from my mind.
No use thinking of what I lacked and what they had. It was over.
“Twenty-Three?”
I jerked, knocking my chair arm into Dimas.
“The Left Hand would like to see you.”
“Sorry I got blood on your floor last night.” I kept pace beside him and studied the little lines crinkled around his eyes. A little older than Maud and me but not by much. Managing so many people and buildings took its toll. “Maud would’ve killed me for it.”
“Thank you, but it was no issue.” His jaw tensed. “Maud is very—”
“Lovely?” I sucked the last bits of food and honey from my teeth and straightened my coat. I helped Rath out enough times to know how this worked. “Trustworthy?”
Dimas stiffened. “Dedicated but avaricious.”
“Who isn’t?” I frowned. Everyone needed money, especially orphans and servants. Wanting wasn’t bad. “Everyone’s got their reasons.”
He glanced at me, losing his calm expression, and rapped on the door. I took a breath.
“Our prodigal auditioner returns.” Ruby’s drawl, all feigned happiness and sarcasm, seeped through the cracked door. “You had a busy night.”
“You would know.” I sat in the only free chair in the little room off the dining hall, small and cramped. “Setting me up and keeping tabs like that.”
“You’re not as adept at hiding your hatred as you think.” Amethyst leaned back in her chair, the tan leather armor with beautiful detailing back today. “But you didn’t give into your anger this time. Mostly.”
I flushed. “I do have some self-control.”
“Hardly,” Ruby said softly. “However, you’re young and learning, and you got Shan de Pau out of the way quietly. He drank too much to remember the whole night, much less what really happened to his business partner.”
That, at least, had worked in my favor.
“In a moment, we will take you to meet Our Queen Marianna da Ignasi.” Emerald lingered over her name, voice dropping. “You will not approach her. You will address her by her title, and you will bow until she bids you to stand. You will not touch her. You will answer her honestly, and you will never turn your back on her. When she dismisses you, you will back out of that room in a bow so low your nose scrapes the floor. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” I nodded, swallowing back the nerves and fear lodged in my throat. “What about our proof? The coin?”
Ruby shifted forward and held out his hand. “Whichever one of you is selected as Opal will formally present Our Queen with proof of your first contract.”
“It will serve as your oath of loyalty.” Emerald leaned her elbows on the table, resting her chin on laced fingers. “Any other questions?”
“If it’s Two,” I said carefully, “what happens to me?”
None of them looked at each other, but I could feel their eyes raking over me and glancing toward each other.
“You’re free to go.” Ruby spread his hands out in front of him, dropping them to his chair, and a muffled, tinkling laughter leaked from behind his mask. “Provided Our Queen doesn’t take issue with your alternative agenda, you will be given an invitation for the next audition and compensated for your assignment.”
“Enough to buy your uniform.” Amethyst rose and held out her hand. “Come. Our Queen waits.”
Lady, give me this. I’d repay the blood I’d spilled with my own. Let me have this life.
I took Amethyst’s hand.