“I'm trying really hard to be brave,” Fern said quietly, closing her eyes against his perusal. “So this is my brave, sad face.”
“It is a very sad face.” Ambrose sighed, and his lips found hers and briefly caressed her mouth before pulling away again. And he watched the sad face fall and break into tears that leaked out beneath her closed lids. Then Fern was pushing him off, fighting out of his arms, scrambling for the door so she wouldn't make him feel bad and make it harder for him to go. She knew he needed to go. Just as much as she needed him to stay.
“Fern! Stop.” It was the night at the lake all over again, Fern rushing away so he wouldn't see her cry. But he was quicker than she was, and his hand shot out, pinning the door closed so she couldn't leave. Then his arms were around her, pulling her up against him, her back to his chest, as she hung her head and cried into her palms.
“Shush, baby. Shush,” Ambrose said. “It's not forever.”
“I know,” she cried and Ambrose felt her take a deep breath and bear down, gaining control over herself, willing her tears to ebb.
“I wanted to show you something,” Fern said abruptly, wiping her cheeks briskly, trying to remove the residue of her grief. Then she turned toward him and her hands rose to the opening of her shirt and she began to undo the row of white buttons.
Ambrose's mouth immediately went dry. He had thought about this moment countless times, and yet with all the turmoil and loss, he and Fern had only flirted with the edge, as if they feared falling over. And privacy was hard to come by while they both lived at home, the kind of privacy he wanted with Fern, the kind he needed with her. So passion had been bridled and kisses stolen, though Ambrose was finding it more difficult every day.
But she only made it about five buttons down before she stopped, sliding her shirt opened over her left breast, just above the lace of her bra. Ambrose stared at the name printed in very small letters in a simple font across Fern's heart. Bailey.
Ambrose reached out and touched the word and watched goose bumps rise on her skin as his fingers brushed against her. The tattoo was new and lightly rimmed in pink, not yet scabbed over. It was maybe an inch long, just a little tribute to a very special friend.
Fern must have been confused by his expression. “I felt like such a bad-ass getting a tattoo. But I didn't do it to be hardcore. I just did it because I wanted . . . I wanted to keep him close to me. And I thought I should be the one . . . to write him across my heart.”
“You have a tattoo, a black eye, and I just saw your bra. You are getting to be very hardcore, Fern,” Ambrose teased gently, although the fading black eye made his blood boil every time he looked at her.
“You should have told me. I would have gone with you,” Ambrose said as he pulled his soft grey T-shirt over his head, and Fern's gaze sharpened just like his had moments before.
“Seems we both wanted to surprise each other,” he added softly as she looked at him. The names were spaced evenly in a row, just like the white graves at the top of the little memorial hill. Bailey didn't get to be buried with the soldiers, but he stood with them now, his name taking a position at the end of the line.
“What's this?” Fern asked, her fingers hovering above a long green frond with delicate leaves that now wrapped around the five names.
“It's a fern.”
“You got a tattoo . . . of a fern?” Fern's lower lip started to tremble again, and if Ambrose wasn't so touched by her emotion, he would have laughed at her pouty little girl face.
“But . . . it's permanent,” she whispered, aghast.
“Yeah. It is. So are you,” Ambrose said slowly, letting the words settle on her. Her eyes met his, and grief, disbelief, and euphoria battled for dominion. It was clear she wanted to believe him, but wasn't sure she did.
“I'm not Bailey, Fern. And I'm not going to ever replace him. You two were inseparable. That worries me a little because you're going to have a Bailey-sized hole in your life for a long time . . . maybe forever. I understand holes. This last year I've felt like one of those snowflakes we used to make in school. The ones where you fold the paper a certain way and then keep cutting and cutting until the paper is shredded. That's what I look like, a paper snowflake. And each hole has a name. And nobody, not you, not me, can fill the holes that someone else has left. All we can do is keep each other from falling in the holes and never coming out again.
“I need you, Fern. I'm not going to lie. I need you. But I don't need you the same way Bailey did. I need you because it hurts when we're apart. I need you because you make me hopeful. You make me happy. But I don't need you to shave me or brush my hair or wipe syrup off my nose.” Fern's face collapsed at the memory, at the reminder of Bailey and the way she had lovingly cared for him.