‘I didn’t want to worry you,’ I said. ‘That’s kind of how it works in the underworld. The less you know, the safer you are. I never in a million years thought something like tonight would happen. I never would have knowingly put you in danger like that. I’m sorry.’
She pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘I would actually throttle you if you weren’t already injured, Soph. I swear to God, for a smart girl, you are acting like the dumbest person on the planet right now. You think my main point of contention is that you didn’t tell me about the blood war? No, my main issue is that you are in the middle of a blood war. How the hell did that happen?’
I blinked at her, feeling an overwhelming urge to slump over and sleep for a hundred years. ‘You know I’m a Marino. You know what they did to Mom.’
‘What exactly are you trying to achieve by living here in the middle of all this violence? Do you realize you almost got killed tonight?’
‘I realize that.’
‘Hanging out with this family is probably the worst thing you could be doing right now,’ she pressed. ‘They’ve painted a big fat target on your forehead.’
‘The target was already there, Mil. The Marinos are after me too. We’re safer if we stick together. Without them, I’m like a sitting duck.’
‘And?’ Millie prompted. ‘Is that it?’
‘What?’ I said.
‘Is that the only reason why you’re here?’
‘What are you talking about?’ Her meaning was not connecting inside my fuzzy head, but I could tell she was angling at something.
‘I spoke to Gino downstairs,’ she continued. ‘I guess he thought you had told me everything on the car ride here …’
‘I did,’ I lied.
‘Did you?’ she challenged.
I shrugged.
‘You didn’t tell me you have a gun now.’
‘I—’
‘Oh, I’m sorry. Two guns,’ she clarified.
I flinched again. ‘Gino should not have told you that.’
She dropped her jaw. ‘So I’m an outsider now?’
‘Not like that,’ I said, instantly regretting my tactlessness. ‘I just meant, he should be more discreet. It’s not like he—’
She raised her hand to cut me off. ‘You also didn’t tell me how good a shooter you’ve become.’
I looked at my hands, the shame painting circles of warmth across my cheeks. ‘I didn’t see the point in telling you. It’s nothing.’
‘It’s nothing,’ she repeated. ‘So, it’s a hobby?’
I didn’t dare meet her eyes. ‘Something like that.’
‘You expect me to believe that? You think I haven’t seen how angry you’ve become? How different you are? You think I can’t look at my best friend and see that jagged, broken heart – the darkness in your eyes when you speak about Jack, the way you bristle when I mention your dad? You think I don’t know how cut up you are over your mother? You think,’ she sucked in a breath, her voice wobbling, ‘I don’t know that the reason you spend so much time shooting that gun is because you want to point it at your uncle’s head the next time you see him and pull the trigger?’
My face fell. I was too tired to rearrange it in time. Of course she could see through me – I don’t know why I ever believed she couldn’t. She knew me better than anyone.
‘I see it,’ she said. ‘Even now, you can’t hide it from me, so don’t bother trying. You’re here for safety, sure, but you’re also here for revenge. Admit it. If you value the trust we have, then you’ll stop lying to me.’
I forced myself to look at her – my best friend, beautiful and funny and smart and brave and still glowing in her gown. And here I was, bullet-wounded below her, crumpled in her mother’s blue dress, and still afraid to show her who I really was inside even though she already knew.
Millie was the only one left. Take off the mask. If tonight had proved anything, it’s that you can’t run from who you are.
‘OK,’ I relented.
‘OK?’ She stood in front of me, her arms folded.
‘I’ve allied myself with the Falcones because I want Jack to suffer the way he made my mother suffer, the way he’s made me suffer,’ I told her. ‘I want to kill him. It’s not a whim or a stroke of grief. It’s the right thing, and I want to be the one to do it. The Falcones will help me, and after I’m done, I want to kill Donata Marino, too. I won’t rest until I have my retribution. I won’t rest until Jack has been brought to justice. I’ve always been part of this underworld, Millie. I have it in my blood and my heart. I’m not running from it any more. I’m not running from who I am.’ I leant back on my elbows, so she could see the truth in my expression.
A strangled laugh caught in her throat.
‘That’s the truth,’ I said. ‘The old Sophie is dead. She never really existed, and this person is who I’m supposed to be.’
She gaped at me. All of her teeth visible at once, her jaw slack with surprise. ‘Oh, Soph. You can’t be serious.’
‘I am as serious as this gunshot wound in my shoulder.’ I was on a roll now. She might as well know all of it. ‘In fact, I have never been more serious about anything in my life. I didn’t want to show you this side of me. I didn’t want to frighten you or put you in danger or have you look at me the way you’re looking at me right now but the truth is I’m sick of being weak and helpless, I’m sick of being on the sidelines of my own life, and I’m sick of letting other people make decisions for me. I’m taking back my power. It’s messy, and it’s dark and it’s scary, but I’m not afraid, Millie. This is who I am.’
She let the silence stretch out between us. Horror roiled over her face. She crossed her arms over her chest, pushing her silver-diamond pendant upwards until it flickered underneath the lights.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I’m not the friend you deserve and I’m sorry I put you in danger tonight. I’m sorry I ruined your mother’s beautiful dress, I’m sorry I ruined your dance, and I’m sorry you have to stand here with me right now, with that look on your face.’
Her face crumpled. ‘Soph—’
‘I love you,’ I continued, pushing on despite the discomfort in her expression. ‘You’re my rock, my best friend, my sister, the best thing in my life, but I know you can’t stand by me in this. I would never ask you to. I don’t expect you to understand me, and I don’t expect you to forgive me for the things I’m going to do, so I want you to know that you can go. And that’s OK. You don’t owe me anything. You can go.’
‘Go?’ she repeated, like the word made no sense. ‘Go where?’
I gestured half-heartedly at the room, and then at myself, letting my hand flop into my lap. ‘Away from here,’ I said, trying to sound strong and sure, when all I felt was shaky and sad. ‘Away from me.’
A frown, a shadow of bewilderment, and then she rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, for God’s sake. Don’t be so dramatic.’
‘I’m not being dramatic,’ I protested. ‘I’m serious.’
‘Well, I’m not about to walk out on you and leave you to this giant shitstorm. You are just one big cluster of bad decisions and misinformed ideas right now, but that’s not your fault. You’ve lost a lot. I understand why you’re adrift, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to walk away. Not now. Not when you clearly need me the most. I mean, what kind of person do you think I am? Seriously?’