“Well, won’t you get in trouble for outing yourself? I mean, won’t God be upset with you for telling me?” Now she was playing along.
“I don’t know. I’ve never met him. He’s kind of a private guy, and I’ve heard he has a temper.” I smirked. The truth was that I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I could still see Zack, but now he was outside of Evey’s window and miming different versions of a violent death. I pointed toward the window. “Can you see that, Evey?”
She looked outside, and then back at me. “See what?”
“Nothing,” I said.
Zack wouldn’t have done anything that stupid. After all, he was the one constantly blabbering about the rules.
“So, Lucian, ha! Great name, except that it sounds a bit like Lucifer.”
“He’s my cousin and he’s an ass, okay? The rumors are true. He’s not someone I associate with. Seriously, it’s a family name; it means nothing.”
Evey buckled over laughing.
“Hypothetically, Evey, say I wasn’t a celestial being created for the sole purpose of protecting ungrateful people like yourself, would you think it wise to taunt and tease me? A lunatic you picked up off the street and decided to invite into your apartment?”
“Hypothetically? Oh my gosh, you’re killing me. This is actually kind of fun. I’ll play along.” She sat in a chair near the fireplace and tapped her index finger on her chin. “So how do you know what your orders are if you don’t talk to God?”
“I have a liaison named Mona.” I looked at the ceiling. “How do I explain it? She’s basically like an overpaid consultant.”
“Overpaid consultant?” Evey was smiling and nodding, eyebrows arched.
“Uh, more like an overpaid supervisor.” What I really wanted to say was that Mona was the bane of my existence, a controlling, condescending bitch.
“Interesting,” Evey said, her voice laced with sarcasm. “What is she paid in… gold halos?”
I rolled my eyes. “No, she’s paid in money, silly. Have you not learned anything about the way the world works? I thought I taught you better than this.”
“Okay, so your consultant gives you advice on how to be an angel?”
“Something like that. She’s supposed to convey and interpret information. She’s a messenger, like a bike messenger, but high maintenance and obnoxious and not as athletic.”
“I see, so she’s the messenger kind of angel. What does that make you? Are you an archangel or something?”
“Do you really think I’d be drinking myself to death in shitty bars and sitting in your apartment having a redundant conversation if I were an archangel?”
She laughed. “I’m sorry I’m boring you. Why haven’t you told anyone until now?”
“Well, you know…” I smiled and opened my eyes wide. “You know, Evey. Come on?”
She shook her head, looking around. “What? No, I’ve no clue.”
“You know I could be sent”—I pointed at the floor and whispered—“down there.”
“Oh, I see. To burn in the fiery depths of hell for an eternity with your cousin Lucifer?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“So there is a hell?”
“I can’t be sure, but who would want to risk it?”
“This is fun, Lucian. You have quite the imagination. My life is complete now. I’ve met an angel who sits in bars, binge drinking and playing stupid songs on the jukebox.”
I chuckled. “I was bored. This is the second-most boring job in the universe, especially since I started following your ass around.”
“What’s the first? Wait a minute, did you say following my ass around?”
“The first most mind-numbingly boring job is being God of course. You’ve created everything”—I waved my hand back and forth, gesturing around the room—“so you know how it’s all gonna end. What’s the fun in that?” I shrugged. “Oh, and I follow you around because I’m a guardian angel. I’m your guardian angel.”
Now Zack was hanging from an imaginary noose outside the window.
For a moment, it looked as though Evey was thinking about something serious, like perhaps she believed what I was saying or at least considering it, but then she laughed sarcastically. “So am I your only one?”
“You mean pain in the ass? Yeah, you’re the only one. They’ve been giving me a light caseload lately.” I shook my head, still in disbelief that my centuries of fucking penance hadn’t gotten me off probation.
“Why is that?”
“Nothing.” I didn’t feel like sharing my stupidity with her at the moment.
“Tell me, I’m dying to know.”
“Are you really dying, Evey? I’m very literal.” I shook my head. “I know you’re being sarcastic, so I’ll keep my career woes to myself, thank you very much.”
Her expression softened. “I’m actually curious to hear what you’ll come up with.”
“It wasn’t even my fault. One of my souls—Joan.” I sucked air in through my teeth. “It didn’t end so well. I had too many to handle at the time. I did fail her, but in my defense, she was an even bigger pain in the ass than you are. Now I’m on a probationary status, which makes an already boring job barely tolerable.”
“I’m totally appreciating your quick wit even though I know you’re completely full of shit. So this Joan woman, what happened?”
“It was a long time ago. She kept going over my head.” Even I was beginning to find humor in what I was telling her.
“Oh, haha! That’s hysterical. Joan of Arc, I get it. You should write this stuff down. Okay, so how long are you going to keep up the act?”
“It’s not an act, and honestly, Evey, I’m a little disappointed in you right now… in your faith and your bad choices tonight,” I said, looking pointedly at her.
“You are a strange person. I’m kinda hoping my roommate will come home soon, but you can just leave if you want. How were you wasted an hour ago—you could barely talk or walk—and now you’re sitting here making up elaborate stories? I thought you’d pass out the second you hit the couch.”
“Oh, well that’s easy to explain. My metabolism is a lot faster than yours. I can eat and drink a whole bunch.”
“Are you bragging, or are you saying you have some special angel quality that allows you to drink more alcohol?” She smirked.
“I’m not human. I don’t sleep—I can’t. I wish I could because you bore me to tears and I have to watch over you.”
“Uh huh. So you don’t sleep, but you get wasted?”
“There’s no rule about drinking and flying last time I checked, but I wouldn’t be much of a guardian angel if I slept on the job, now would I?”
“You’re a bit arrogant and completely insane, but you are definitely creative, I’ll give you that. Do your wings sprout out of your shirt when you take flight?”
“No, they’re always there. You just can’t see ’em.”
“I bet they’re big, huh?” She rolled her eyes.
“They’re huge. Did you see the size of my feet? Thirteens.” I pointed at my boots, bit my bottom lip, and wiggled my eyebrows. “All the other angels say size doesn’t matter, but wait till you see me in action.” I was still a little drunk. I was flirting with her. I was despicable.
“Great, so my guardian angel is a perverted narcissist.”