“Look, I can tell she’s thinking about you. If you had zapped her good enough—oh, fuck yeah,” Zack mumbled as he looked at his phone. “My wide receiver scored eighteen points today. I’m killin’ it like a boss!”
He had zero attention span from all the screen time and video games. I glanced at him. “Is that your sports betting thing?”
“No, moron, it’s fantasy football.”
Evey and Brooklyn were sitting at the table, eating pancakes and chatting about some new guys Brooklyn had met. I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore them while Zack and I sat on the counter undetected.
“Dude, get off your phone and talk to me. Isn’t that why you’re here?” I asked.
Still staring at his screen, he said, “No, I’m here because your weird life is entertaining to me. You know what I think you need? A hobby. You have one soul, and that’s why you’re losing your shit. You need to do something for Lucian, for yourself.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Maybe knitting. You can’t make one person the center of your universe. You’ll go crazy all cooped up in here. Get a hobby. Take up craft-beer making or join a book club.”
I was trying to ignore Zack as I watched Evey inhale her pancakes. I zeroed in on a drop of syrup next to her mouth. I wanted to lick it off.
“I zapped her good,” I said mindlessly. “I don’t know why she’s short-circuiting over it.”
“Apparently you didn’t. You have to hold your thumb down until you smell something burning.”
I turned to face him, my jaw on the floor. “Are you kidding me? Is that what you do? You’re frying people; you know that, right? It affects them.”
He shrugged. “Not really.”
“Yeah, really, it does. I can’t believe I’m the one who’s always in trouble. Anyway, shouldn’t you go check in with your souls?”
“They’re fine. They’re eating and binge watching Top Chef.”
I believed that their behavior was a direct result of Zack frying them every time he slipped up. Those people ate and watched TV all day and never left their house. But I was the immoral one?
I directed my attention back to Brooklyn and Evey’s conversation when I caught Brooklyn saying, “Well, you can get a little action tonight and redeem yourself. You’re going out with us. Joel is bringing Keith, and he’s gorgeous.”
“I feel like I’m gonna puke,” I told Zack.
“See, you need a hobby. Want to start a blog? Let’s start a blog, dude.”
“No,” I said, watching Evey agree to go out with Brooklyn. “Geez, for the love of God! These girls can’t stay home and read a book?”
“They’re young and hot,” Zack said.
“Stop, please.”
“Gotta go,” he said, and then he was gone.
I followed Evey into her bedroom, not something I normally did. She plopped onto her bed, blew her long brown hair out of her face, and stared at the ceiling.
“Guardian angels,” she whispered, shook her head and rolled to her side.
I wished I knew what she was thinking. I saw her smell the pillow where I had been lying earlier. She smiled faintly while moving her hand down below, between her legs.
Oh God. Heaven help me now.
I blinked and found myself out on the stoop, sitting next to a derisive Mona.
“Lucian, Lucian, Lucian. You think I don’t know what’s going on?”
“I know you do. I can’t control what’s happening to me. Please, Mona, reassign me. You have to before I do something awful.” I was begging now.
“You’ll never see her again. I’ll send you off to Sarmi first thing tomorrow. Not too many angels can speak Liki as well as you can.”
“Well, that’s true—I am very good at a lot of things.” I smirked. “Please, you have to keep me here. Reassign me? I’ll stay away from her, I promise.” I knew I couldn’t though.
“‘I’ll stay away from her’? Oh please. It’s obvious you’re full of shit. Give it another week. I hope you start making better decisions. And Lucian… you didn’t zap her well enough,” she said, before disappearing.
“Wait, Mona, come back.”
I got a bottle of whiskey and sat out on the stoop for hours, just staring off into space. Abigail was sitting next to me, ignoring me as per usual.
She finally looked up from her phone and said, “Hey, I know I’ve never asked you this before, but will you cover my shift tonight, since they’ll be together and what’s her name is your only one?”
I shook my head and sighed. “First of all, we are not fucking waiters. We don’t cover each other’s shifts. And second of all, her name is Evelyn. I think you know that.”
She made an ugly-bitch face. “Ew, your breath stinks. You’re such an asshole drunk, Lucian. Get a life.”
I could hear Evey and Brooklyn talking about getting ready to go out. It was getting dark. I thought about Abigail’s offer and wondered if I could use it to my advantage “What’s in it for me?”
She shrugged. “I’ll give you a blow job?”
“I don’t want your disgusting mouth anywhere near me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay fine. I won’t play eyes and ears for Mona anymore.”
“Excuse me, what? What are you talking about?”
“Who do you think I’m texting all day? I pick up extra cash as an informant.”
“Seriously, an informant?” I threw open my arms and wings. My anger was boiling over. “You’re all fucking shameless.”
“If it weren’t for me watching you watching her getting off from the smell of you—which, by the way, is seriously gross—Mona never would have swooped in to save your ass. You would have regretted it, perv.”
I suddenly felt very resolute. “Abigail, I will cover your ‘shift’ every Saturday night for a year,”—I held up air quotes when I said the word shift—“but you have to promise me something.”
“What?” she said.
“No more snooping around, no more telling Mona things, and no more shit-talking to me.” I lowered my voice. “We can help each other, okay?”
Before that night, I’d had no idea that was how Mona found things out. I guess you could do a job for two centuries and still be in the dark.
Abigail appeared to be contemplating my offer. “Fine.”
When I overheard Evey talking to Brooklyn about a lace thong, I took a swig of whiskey and tried to focus on Abigail. “What plans do you have anyway, if we’re all working?”
“I’m seeing someone, and he gets his shifts covered too.”
I snickered. “We’re not supposed to make commitments to each other. Don’t you know that?”
“You and I just made a commitment, didn’t we? Anyway, I wouldn’t start talking to me about the rules if I were you. At least I’m dating one of us. Something is off in you for even being attracted to what’s her face.”
“It’s Evelyn, and piss off, Abigail. Go, I’ll take it from here. You’re free to go see your man.”
“Angel,” she corrected, before disappearing. She had to get in one final dig.
A second later, Zack swooped over from across the street, flapping his shitty wings. “She is such a stuck-up bitch.” He hated the pretty ones because they never gave him the time of day.
“Whatever. She’s helping me out.”
“Helping you do what?”
“I’m not zapping Evey again. I don’t want to mess with her anymore. Did you know that Abigail tells Mona shit?”