“Oh, William.” I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close to me, my heart breaking for him and the boy he used to be.
“I need you, Val. You’re the glue that keeps me together.” He returns my embrace, desperation vibrating in his hold. “I haven’t been able to think, eat, or sleep. I keep punishing myself for destroying our marriage. The one good thing in my life.”
Maybe I’ve gotten it all wrong. I’ve painted him as the villain in my story, but maybe it’s been me all along.
That’s when all the guilt comes crashing down on me. God. What have I done? I’m swallowed by it. Drowned by it. I’ve held his affair like a gun to William’s head for over a year now. And what have I been doing in the meantime? Losing my head over another man.
“I was a fucking fool to not cancel everything and come to Paris straight away. Am I too late? You keep giving me chances, and I keep fucking up, but this is the last time. If you take me back, it won’t ever happen again. It’s been hell without you.” He kisses my forehead. “I cannot lose you … I can’t,” he utters passionately. “Please forgive me, my darling.”
With each sentence he utters, a chasm grows between Sébastien and me. He drifts further and further away from me as reality settles around me.
My gaze roams over William’s dear face as memories of our lifetime together surround me, drawing me back to him. And I remember the dream—the dream we had together. The life we made flashes before my eyes. Twelve years worth. Did I really think I could walk away from him just like that?
“You know what the real wonders of life are?” I asked William as I sat astride his lap. He cupped my bare ass in his large hands and pushed me flush against his erection.
“Yes.” He leaned down, nuzzling my neck. “One of them is fucking my wife.”
I groaned, his kisses raising and tickling my skin, lighting me up like a grenade. “Do be serious.”
William chuckled and raised his head, his eyes locked with mine. Seconds passed in silence. He grew serious—thoughtful—his easy, teasing smile gone. “I don’t care for buildings and statues. They’re just things. You are my real wonder, Val. Waking up next to you and making love to you.” He rubbed his cheek against mine. “You’re everything that makes me good and worthy.”
A bomb full of memories hits me in the middle of the chest. It pierces through me and spills all the shame flowing in my veins. “We can’t go on as we are. Things need to change, William.”
“I know, my darling. Things will, you’ll see.” He showers my face with kisses. “Without you I am nothing, you hear? Nothing. I love you so damn much, Val.”
“I love you, too,” I say, but the words taste like acid on my tongue. He leans down, his mouth searching for mine, but I can’t. At the last second, I turn my face to the side and his kiss lands on my cheek.
“Everything will be all right now,” he says. “I’ll prove it to you.”
His words should be a soothing balm, but instead, they close about me like a jail.
“Let’s leave Paris.”
“What?” I blink as though waking up from a dream. “Now?”
“Yes, there’s nothing keeping us here. Let’s go home, Val,” he pleads tenderly.
But there is. There is!
I nod, a knot in the pit of my stomach, suddenly feeling like I’m going to be sick. “Okay.”
“I flew in the jet. I’m sure it can be ready in an hour. Do you need more time?”
I shake my head numbly. “I don’t need that long.”
“Do you still employ that driver?”
“Pierre? Yes. Would you like me to call him?”
“No need. Give me his number and I’ll set everything up.”
“Sure.”
In the bedroom, I toss all my things in the suitcases, a storm of clothes, bags, and shoes swirling around me. I finish packing in no time. Ready to close the door behind me, my gaze lands on the wooden owl sitting on the nightstand. I give into weakness and allow myself to think of the man expecting me tonight.
And it hurts. It hurts so much.
I want to cry, but the tears won’t come—I don’t deserve them. These are the consequences of my actions—the big fucking reality of it all. Karma has finally found me, and she is merciless in her punishment. But I knew she would eventually catch up to me and demand her payment.
Unable to look at the owl anymore, I shut the door, hearing it click behind me—the sound final—unforgiving. I take a few steps toward the living room where William and Pierre are waiting for me, but change my mind halfway there. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. Spinning on my feet, I go back inside for the wooden figure, the only thing I have left of a beautiful dream, now just a memory.
As I step outside, Sébastien’s gift in my bag, I come to the realization that pushing him out of my heart would be like asking the sun to stop rising every morning—an impossibility. He’s dug himself so deep in my skin, in the marrow of my bones, that if you were to cut me open, you’d find parts of me, William, and Sébastien intertwined. But I can do one thing for my husband, and that is to never look back, putting Sébastien out of my mind. My heart screams that it’s impossible, and every part of my soul cries. However, I turn a deaf ear to it all.
I will do it for William.
“Ready?” he asks, rising from the couch.
Hollow, I nod. We make our way to the entrance. Pierre opens it for us, and we step out of the apartment. I hear him shut the door behind us, the sound like an arrow through the chest. I take one step.
Two steps.
Three steps.
“Wait. I can’t. I can’t.”
William glances back, confusion embedded in his features. “Excuse me?”
“I …” I turn on my feet. “I have to say goodbye.”
He frowns. “To whom?”
I shake my head, leaving him without an explanation. Desperation and urgency propel me to move faster. I take the stairs, climb two at a time until I get to his floor. I can’t even think what I’m going to say to him. All I know is that I need to see him one last time. Maybe try to explain.
I raise a hand and knock and knock, but there’s no answer.
Come on, Sébastien. Open the damn door.
I knock again and ring the doorbell. Come on. Again. Come on. Again. Come on. Again.
Slowly, little by little, the light goes out until there’s nothing left but darkness. Funny that, how hearts can continue to beat when they feel as though they are breaking into a thousand pieces.
I wait a minute, and another, and another. But Sébastien never comes to the door, and no magic ping of the elevator brings him to me.
My eyes blur as tears begin to fall down my cheeks and a sob is torn from my chest. I place my palm on the cool wood, leaning my head against it. “Maybe in another life we’ll meet again and get it right. But whatever happens, you will always remain my one perfect memory, my one perfect dream. I love you, my beautiful man.”
I take a moment to collect myself, wipe my tears, and go back downstairs.