This unexpected and imminent threat was putting my true feelings to the test. I was terrified to lose him, terrified he’d go back to New York with her. My body stiffened in defense, somehow preparing to go to war in a battle it was destined to lose.
“Wow. I don’t know what to say. I—”
Justin’s deep voice startled me. “Jade. What are you doing here?”
She stood up, still carrying Bea. “Hi.”
His eyes shifted over to me briefly then back to her.
“How long have you been here?” he asked.
“Just a few minutes. I came all the way here because we need to talk. Can we go somewhere? Maybe take a walk on the beach?”
My chest felt heavy, and I was sweating from nerves.
Justin looked over at me again in a fleeting glance before saying, “Let me get my jacket.”
When the door shut behind them, all of the fear I’d been holding in released from me in one swift breath only to start building up again in my gut.
I looked over at Bea and spoke to her like she could understand. “I don’t want him to leave.”
She cooed and babbled while she smacked her hand down on one of the squeaky toys attached to her playset.
“I’m afraid to be with him and afraid to be without him.”
She blew a couple of raspberries, drool dripping down her chin.
“You really adore him, don’t you?”
“Ba…Ba,” she answered.
My heart hammered against my chest. “I know. Me, too.”
***
Justin was gone for almost six hours. I was sure he wasn’t coming home.
When the key turned in the door around ten-thirty that night, I straightened up on the sofa, trying to look casual so that it didn’t appear like I’d been anxiously awaiting his return.
Justin rubbed his eyes and threw his coat on a chair. He went to the kitchen to grab a drink before taking a seat next to me.
I swallowed, afraid to ask, “Where is Jade?”
He took a sip of his beer then stared blankly down at the bottle as he twirled it around mindlessly in his hands. “She’s on her way back to New York. I drove her to the train.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be coming back tonight.”
He was silent for a long time then looked into my eyes. “Nothing happened, Amelia.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
He spoke louder, “I don’t? Are you kidding yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem to think that I can’t see right through you. I saw your face when she showed up. You were scared. Why can’t you admit that? Why can’t you admit that you’re just as fucking scared of what’s been happening between us as I am?”
I don’t know.
When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “We took a walk on the beach…talked. Then, I drove her to the train.”
“You were gone so long. I just assumed…”
“That we were somewhere fucking? No. I drove around for a while alone just to think.”
“I see. What did you and Jade decide?”
“She thinks the real reason I ended it was because I’d found her hanging out with that guy, but that’s not the truth. I’d gone to New York with the full intention of breaking things off before I even saw her having dinner with him.”
“You explained that to her?”
“I couldn’t be completely upfront about everything.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d have to admit stuff to her that I haven’t even admitted to you…and I didn’t want to hurt her even more.”
“Things like…”
“Remember what I said about cheating?”
“That if you have the urge to cheat on someone, it’s better to just break up with that person?”
“Yeah. Well, I had the urge to cheat…with you…multiple times last summer. I thought that maybe you becoming a mother would somehow make me see you in a different light now, make me less attracted somehow, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been the opposite. You’ve never been sexier to me. But even if nothing were to happen between us, my attraction to you is a sign that something was off between Jade and me. You shouldn’t covet someone else like that if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s an indication that something is missing, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t believe in dragging things out if the outcome is already determined in your mind.”
“Is Jade okay?”
“Not really.”
It really did pain me to know that she was hurting. I felt bad for her and remained confused about where things stood with Justin and me.
“What do we do now?” I asked.
“I’ve already told you what I want to do.”
“I thought this morning you said you came to the conclusion it was a bad idea, that you didn’t want that with me anymore.”
“I never said that. What I meant was that I was out of line in the way I presented it to you. I was being overly aggressive because I felt threatened, came on to you like a caveman. I never explicitly said I didn’t want it, and for the record, neither did you.”
“I explained my reservations…”
“And I understand them. I fully get why you’re afraid to take things to a sexual level with me. The logical side of me thinks you’re right, but the illogical side of me doesn’t give a fuck and is only thinking about lifting you over my face right now and making you come while you ride my mouth.”