We were finally alone. It was time to tell him. I took a deep breath. I’d start talking in three . . . two . . . two . . . two . . .
Howard broke the silence. “I wanted to tell you again how much it means to me to have you here. I know this hasn’t been easy, but I really appreciate you giving it a try. Even if it’s just for the summer. And I think you’re great. I really do. I’m proud of you for jumping in and exploring Florence. You’re an adventurer, just like your mom.” Then he smiled at me, like I was the daughter he’d always hoped to have, and my remaining courage melted like an ice cube in the heat.
I couldn’t tell him. Not tonight.
Maybe not ever.
When we got inside I made some lame excuse about another headache, then trudged up to my room and threw myself on my bed. I did a lot of throwing myself on the bed these days. But what was I going to do? I couldn’t tell Howard, but I also couldn’t not tell him.
Would it be so awful if I just stayed the rest of the summer and then went home without telling him? But then what about when Father’s Day rolled around and he expected a card from me? Or what about when I got married and he thought he was the guy who was supposed to walk me down the aisle? What then?
My phone starting ringing and I jumped off my bed and crossed the room in two flying leaps. Please be Ren. Please be Ren, please be— Thomas.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Lina. This is Thomas.”
“Hey.” I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like a puffer fish. Who’d suffered some kind of emotional breakdown.
“Did you get my text?”
“Yes. Sorry I didn’t answer. Today’s been kind of . . . crazy.”
“No problem. What do you think about the party? Do you want to come with me?”
His voice was so uncomplicatedly British. And he was talking about a party. Like it mattered. I ran my hand through my hair. “What is it exactly?”
“Eighteenth birthday party for one of the girls who just graduated. She lives in the coolest place—almost as big as Elena’s. Everyone will be there.”
“Everyone” as in Ren and Mimi? I shut my eyes. “Thanks for asking me, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”
“Oh, come on. You have to celebrate with me. I passed my driver’s test yesterday, and my dad said I could pick you up in his BMW. And you really don’t want to miss this party. Her parents hired an indie band I’ve been listening to for more than a year.”
I tucked the phone between my ear and shoulder and rubbed my eyes. After everything that had happened today, a party seemed laughably normal. Also, it seemed weird to go out with someone when I’d clearly fallen for someone else. But what do you do when your “someone else” wants nothing to do with you? At least Thomas was still talking to me.
“Let me think about it.”
Thomas exhaled. “All right. You think about it. I’d pick you up at nine. And it’s formal, so you’d need to dress up. I promise you’ll have a good time.”
“Formal. Got it. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
We hung up and I tossed my phone on the bed, then walked over to the window and looked out. It was a clear night and the moon winked at me like a giant eye. Like it had been watching this whole complicated story play out, and now it was having the last laugh.
Stupid moon. I put both hands on the window sash and practically threw myself on top of it, but the window wouldn’t budge.
Fine.
Chapter 24
THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE just before dawn. I’d passed out on my bed fully dressed, and there was a dish of spaghetti perched on the edge of my dresser, the tomato sauce pooled in oily clumps. Guess Howard had tried to bring me dinner.
Gray hazy light was filtering through my window, and I got up and walked quietly over to my suitcase, rummaging around for some clean running clothes. Then I picked up the journal and crept silently through the house, leaving through the back door.
I made my way toward the back gate. Not even the birds were up yet and dew covered everything like a big, gauzy spiderweb. My mom was right. The cemetery looked completely different at different times of day. Predawn cemetery was sort of muted-looking, like gray had been swirled in with the rest of the colors.
I went through the back gate then broke into a run, passing where I’d met Ren for the first time. Don’t. Think. About. Ren. It was my new mantra. Maybe I’d have it printed on a bumper sticker.