Thirty-five minutes without talking.
No, thirty-one. Because we’d had that one horrible exchange and then I’d gone to the bathroom and stared hatefully at myself in the mirror for like two minutes. My eyes were all puffy and I looked destroyed. I was destroyed. I’d lost Ren and I was about to lose Howard, too. There was no other choice. I had to make sure Howard knew he wasn’t my father, no matter how badly I wished that he were.
“Train’s here,” Ren said, standing up. He headed for the platform and I followed after him. Ninety more minutes. I could do this, right?
The train was crowded, and it took us several minutes to find a seat. Finally we found two empty spots across from a large older woman who’d put a bunch of plastic bags in the space between us. A man took the seat next to her and Ren nodded at them, sliding into the window seat, then closing his eyes again.
I took the journal out of my bag and wiped it on my jeans, hoping to get rid of any lingering Matteo cooties. Time to dive back into the story. I had to get my mind off of Ren.
JUNE 3
Tonight Howard let me know in his gentle way that he knew about X all along. It made me feel ridiculous. Here I thought we were so sneaky, but it turns out most everyone knew. I found myself telling him everything about the relationship—even the bad parts. And there were a lot of bad parts. The problem was that when things were good with X, they were SO good that I forgot about all the rest. It was such a relief to talk about it, and afterward Howard and I went out onto the porch and talked about other things until the stars came out. I feel the most peaceful that I have in a long time.
JUNE 5
Today I am twenty-two. I woke up this morning with absolutely no expectations, but Howard was waiting for me with a gift—a thin gold ring that he bought from a secondhand shop in Florence almost a year ago. He said he didn’t know why he bought it; he just loved it.
The thing I love about it most is that it has history. The man who sold it said it belonged to an aunt of his who had fallen in love but was forced by her family to join a convent. Her lover had given her the ring and she’d worn it secretly her entire life. Howard said the shopkeeper made up a story to add some value to the piece, but it really is pretty and somehow fits perfectly. I was feeling exhausted, so instead of going out to dinner tonight like we’d planned, we stayed in and watched old movies. I barely even made it through the first one.
JUNE 6
Tonight Howard and I were sitting on the swing on the front porch, my feet in his lap, and he asked me a question: “If you could photograph anything in the world, what would it be?” Before I could even think about it I blurted out “hope.” I know, cheesy, right? But I mean hope as in stillness, those moments when you just know that things are going to work out. It’s the perfect description of my time here. I feel like I’ve hit the snooze button, and I’m taking a breath before I face whatever comes next. I know that my time is slowly ticking down here, but I don’t want it to end.
JUNE 7
I want to record every minute of what happened today.
Howard woke me up just before five a.m. and told me he wanted to show me something. We hiked back behind the cemetery, me half-asleep and wearing pajamas. It was still gray out, and it felt like we walked for hours. Then finally I saw where we were going. Ahead in the distance was a small round tower. It was old-looking and completely on its own, like something that was waiting to be discovered.
Once we got to it, Howard led me to the entrance. There was a small wooden door that had probably been put there to keep out trespassers, but had broken down with time and weather. He moved it out of our way, and then we both ducked under the doorway and followed a spiral staircase out to the top of the tower. We were just high enough to get a view of everything around us, and I could see the tops of the cemetery’s trees and the road that leads to Florence. I asked him what we were doing there, and he told me to just wait. And so we did. We stood there without talking as the sun rose in the most amazing pinks and golds, and before long the whole countryside was awash in color. I felt this sudden ache—it had been cold and dark for so long, and then suddenly, slowly, it wasn’t.
When it was full daylight I turned around. Howard was watching me, and it was like I was suddenly seeing him for the first time. I walked over to him and suddenly we were kissing like we’d kissed a million times before. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. When he finally pulled back we didn’t say a word. I just took his hand and we went home.