I wince and stare up at the ceiling.
“What’s up?” she asks, folding the book and setting it aside.
“Lately, I don’t feel so perfect. Lately, I just feel kind of out of control,” I say. “Like I lost my footing somewhere and I can’t get it back.”
“You’re the most in-control person I know,” my mom tells me.
“That’s part of the problem. I don’t really want to be that person anymore,” I say. “But I always seem to veer to extremes. I just want to find myself.”
“Sometimes you have to do something really scary to find yourself,” she says, folding one arm behind her head for more support.
“Yesterday I cut school and jumped off a cliff in Malibu. Does that count?” I ask. “And I still feel confused.”
Most moms would probably ground me. My mom just nods. “Who did you do that with?” she asks. “Elliot?”
I shake my head. “Will.”
“That’s surprising. Is he your boyfriend?” she asks.
“He’s just a friend,” I say. “I think.”
“Are you going to Elliot and Sam’s show tonight?” my mom asks.
“I haven’t decided. . . .” I hesitate.
“Now that Clara’s back?” She wrinkles her nose.
I shoot her a look, annoyed at how much she understands everything. “Yes” is all I say. Then I get up and start walking toward the door.
“You know what I think, AB?” my mom says. “I think things change. People change. You don’t know what’s coming next. I think you have to try your hardest to find your best self, and the person who makes you your best self. I know that better than anyone. Your father and I were that for each other, for a while. But we might not be anymore, and that’s what we’re trying to figure out.”
I pause in the door, listening.
“But I also think you are seventeen years old, and you have a long time before you have to find that person. Right now you have to focus on living your life. On growing. Oftentimes, growing comes after making mistakes. You could do a bit more of that, beyond the cliff jumping.”
I walk back over to the bed and lean down and kiss her on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom,” I say. “That makes more sense than you know.”
I am just standing up when I notice the blanket by her feet move.
“Is that . . . ?” I begin.
Within moments, Napoleon pops his head out.
“I’m sorry you had to see this,” she says.
“I thought he hated us all?”
“Like I said, people are capable of change.” My mom shrugs. “Even Napoleon. He likes to burrow in by my feet.”
Little Boots is one of the only decent places you can see live music on the west side of LA. It’s tiny, stifling at times depending on who is playing, which makes it even harder to be shoved in here and watch Elliot and Clara perform together. Luckily, I have Ava and Navid.
“This place is cool,” he says, adjusting his glasses and looking happily around the room. “Reminds me of a speakeasy from the nineteen twenties or something.”
“He is the dorkiest person you have ever dated,” I whisper to Ava when he’s not looking. She grins and giddily wraps an arm around his waist. He responds by smiling and leaning down to kiss her on the top of her head.
“So, how do we know these people?” Navid asks.
“Ava’s brother is the lead guitarist, and the drummer is—” Ava starts.
“Is nobody,” I interrupt her.
Navid throws Ava a look. “So somebody,” he says, and Ava shrugs. “I thought you were dating Will?” Navid asks.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I mutter, and just then the lights go dark as Look at Me, Look at Me takes the stage.
Sam is positively radiating happiness as he pulls his guitar over his head. Lenny grabs the bass and picks away a few times, adjusting his amp, and Clara sidles up to the mic. She’s wearing a perfectly retro dress and her hair is long on the bottom, but tied up in braids around the top of her head.
And just behind her, face serious and focused, sliding the stool out so he can sit behind the drums, is Elliot.
Elliot looks out into the crowd, and it feels like he’s looking right at me. He smiles, and I shiver. Then he raises his arms over his head and counts off as he bangs the sticks together. 1-2-3.
All that practicing in the garage must’ve paid off, because they sound flawless. Everyone is perfectly in sync, even Clara. I can almost pretend like she’s not there, or she’s not her. Like I’m not watching the guy I had feelings for and his ex-girlfriend reunite in literal perfect harmony. Instead, I’m just watching a great band play at Little Boots.
Until the last song, when Clara takes the mic.
“Many of you don’t know this, but I went away for a little while,” she speaks in a smooth, croon-y voice. “I had some thinking to do. But when the tide takes you away, it always brings you back again.”
The crowd whistles, and Ava and I share a look. “Pretty sure she stole that from a Folgers Coffee commercial,” she says, and I snort.
Clara blushes and whips her hair behind her head. “Anyway, I wrote this when I got back.” She glances behind her at Elliot, who watches her skeptically. “I hope you like it,” she says.
The beat slows, and Clara gets close to the mic, like she wants to seduce it.
I wandered the desert, I wandered the land I tried to reach out, to hold on to your hand
I thought I was searching for something more
But somehow I ended up back at your door.
Elliot’s face is unreadable as he looks out over the audience, tapping a slow beat, but the one place he’s not looking is at Clara. Probably because he feels awkward that I’m here.
And Clara just keeps on going.
Back in your arms, hold me so tight
Tell me you love me, I’ll treat you right
You are the one, you’ll always be
Perfect, oh, perfect, so perfect for me.
Something overcomes me, and before I can think too much about it, I head straight for the door. I don’t want to hear what the next verse says. What it reveals about their perfect love. Why did I come here tonight? I should’ve known this would happen.
Ava finds me outside, a pitying look on her face.
“Where’s Navid?” I ask, my head resting back against the stucco siding of the building, as my eyes stare up at the sky.
“He could tell we needed a sec,” she said, and leans a shoulder against the wall, looking at me. “You really like him,” she says.
I look at her. “So?” I ask.
“Why is it so hard for you to admit it?” she says.
“Because he’s with Clara,” I say.
“Don’t do that,” Ava says. “You have no idea if he is with Clara.”
“Because he drives me insane!” I blurt. “And he’s all wrong for me. I’m supposed to be with someone like Will. Someone who shows up on time and acts like he wants to be there. Someone who won’t hurt me like Elliot can.”
“But, Annabelle, I don’t show up on time. I’m kind of a mess. And Navid likes me anyway.”
“But Navid can trust you with his heart,” I say.