“Why?” I asked.
She took a breath and roared her answer. “To try and keep away the rats that do eat children.”
This pronouncement finished her. She collapsed onto the bench beside me and seemed to pull her mind away, as if to replenish herself.
I ought to have known that such horrors could bedevil even well-intentioned people. I should have known it from the evidence that life presented to my eyes and from the sad stories that Mother had brought home. But instead, I’d held on to a common prejudice. Regardless of my sympathy for the families she’d assisted and for the others I’d seen suffering, in some dim recess of my brain, I must have believed they’d wasted money, or failed to work hard, or otherwise exercised poor judgment and—I dread to say—brought on their plights.
I looked down to find Charlotte’s head leaned back, her nostrils and lips moving with her breath like petals in a soft rain. She’d fallen asleep without me having to nurse her first!
I thought of rats eating her.
Delphinia stood suddenly and took a swallow from the cup of tea upon the desk. “Factory work is out of the question,” she said. “And a sewing woman doesn’t earn enough to live in anything but squalor.”
“But haven’t any others here been able to keep their babies and live decently?” I didn’t want my hope extinguished.
“Certainly they have.”
“How did they manage?”
“They had families or acquaintances who were not above taking them in.” She found my eyes with hers. “In this way, Lilli, it can be a blessing to belong to the lower classes.”
“In what way, exactly?”
“People who have suffered and known hard limits may have a more realistic understanding of mistakes and bad fortune.”
My body felt heavy enough to fall through the floor. Every aspect of my former life, even its relative lack of suffering and limitation, now seemed a curse.
Then Delphinia’s face lost expression, as if she didn’t wish to influence me unduly. She told me of the one profession for which I was an ideal candidate at present: that of the wet nurse. “Families of means often hire wet nurses for their newborns,” she explained. “They do so when a mother has perished in childbirth, or fallen ill, or finds herself unsuited to nursing.”
I refreshed myself with a full breath. “I’d be glad to help such a family, so long as I could bring Charlotte.”
Delphinia colored with pleasure, assuring me that a family would be glad enough to have me that they’d certainly allow Charlotte to come along. “Some girls are too rough for this work, but you’d be well suited for it,” she opined. “You’d be given the finest food and treated gently, all to support the quality of your milk. And the wages are excellent, perhaps twice as much as what other female servants make.” Her demeanor puffed with optimism. “In less than a year, you’d have the means to lease a sewing machine and set yourself up as a seamstress—with some money saved to make up for shortfalls.” She lifted a stack of papers and bounced it on the desk to neaten it. “All with no sacrifice to yourself or your baby.” She dropped the stack to the desk, which caused a loud report and startled Charlotte from her sleep.
“How can I find a family that needs a nurse?” I asked as my baby began to fuss.
“I’ll tell Mrs. Pierce you’d like to apply. Doctors often write to see if we have any candidates for the families in their care. I’m sure she’ll recommend you.”
I sent a prayer of thanks into the ether.
This love for Charlotte is like a hardy plant that rises in me. If I had to chop it down, its roots would fester—and corrupt the soil of my being.
*
Not three hours after my talk with Delphinia, I was called to the office in a rush. I appeared before Anne with spit-up on my shoulders and Charlotte at my breast. “If I take her off,” I explained, “we’ll have no chance of hearing each other.”
Anne nodded and closed the door, bidding me to sit. Lifting a fine parchment envelope, she said, “A doctor has written in urgent need of a wet nurse. The baby is his patient’s first, only a week younger than yours. The mother is unable to nurse him.”
Charlotte must have felt my heart quickening. She stirred and gave a cry.
“Will they find me suitable?” I asked.
“I believe so.” She gave a parsimonious smile.
“And Charlotte will come along.” I intended merely to confirm the point, but Anne raised her eyebrows.
“Dear girl,” she said. “An honorable couple couldn’t accept a bastard into their home.”
“Delphinia Partridge assured me…”
My words trailed off as Anne wagged her head. “Miss Partridge means well, but her understanding of the circumstances—”
“I won’t go.” Tears slid down my cheeks. Their source must move closer to the eyes in mothers.
Anne bent across her desk to bring her stern face closer to me, so that I saw the crumbs at the edges of her lips. “Don’t be foolish. A baby doesn’t know the difference. She’ll go to a wet nurse in a more modest situation.”
“What does thee mean?” A crawling sensation spread over my arms.
“Someone who’s nursing a few babies at once, who’ll charge a fee you can afford and do just as you would for her. With the money you save at this work, you can start anew, perhaps in another city. You’ll reclaim your daughter before she’s old enough even to know you from another.”
Why would Charlotte cling to me so, if she didn’t know me from another? I swallowed and pressed her close.
“This family will pay twenty-five dollars a month,” said Anne, “and no expenses, aside from perhaps six dollars a month to place her out.”
The salary astounded me. As a new teacher, I’d earned thirteen.
“Consider your savings after a year.” Anne joined her slender, neatly tended hands before her on the desk. “You may never get such a chance at advancement again.”
That statement gave me pause. Could my life’s choices be so reduced that this would be my best chance at advancement?
The clear answer was yes. “Can I meet the family,” I asked, “and then make my decision?”
Anne’s mouth pursed, but with effort she spoke pleasantly. “Of course. And if they don’t suit you, then you may find some other option in your few remaining days of lodging here, isn’t that so?” She paused and stared. “You can’t stay more than a day or two past three weeks. You know how many are desperate to fill our beds.”
Panic snaked through my belly. She rose to signal my dismissal, patting down her skirt. I rose with Charlotte and started out the door.
“Neaten yourself and the baby,” she called. “I’ll send for the doctor and someone from the family.”