Bliss was everything that was pure in this world. She was sunshine and happiness. She had walked through a hell of her own and came out still bright. Her outlook on life still optimistic. But that had been her battle and she’d won it.
I’d made one wrong move and my world would forever be altered. Bliss needed someone whole and I would never be. Not now. How could I? Why should I get to enjoy life when tragedy came to something that was mine to protect?
The duffel bag in my hand held my things. But it was like a led weight. Knowing when I drove away tonight I’d never be able to come back. Seeing Bliss and what I could have had would be too painful. The darkness that would now follow me wasn’t fair to her.
“Nate?” her tone was nervous. She saw my bag. She knew without asking that I was leaving. What she didn’t know was what I had done. How I had failed. The sorrow I’d forced to happen. My need for her, it had caused this. No one deserved this kind of lesson.
I couldn’t force myself to turn around. I’d see her and the agony I was living through would get worse. Because I loved her. I would love her until the day I died. But she would always remind me of what I’d done. What my selfishness had caused.
“You’re leaving,” she said the words matter-of-factly but the emotion she held in check in her tone was something she couldn’t mask.
“Yes.” She deserved more than that. But saying the words. Admitting the horror . . . how did I do that?
“Did someone say something? If Eli said something he’s an idiot. I’ll deal with him. But whatever it is we can talk about it. There’s no reason to leave.”
She thought this was because of her. I guess in a way it was. My choice had been her. That had been what sparked the end result. But I couldn’t blame her. She did nothing wrong. She was perfect and I was ruined. Broken. Fucking destroyed.
“Your friends said nothing. They were all welcoming. Friendly even.”
God, how did I say this aloud?
“Then why? Did I do something wrong?” There was a crack in her voice. A small break. I was hurting her. I never wanted to hurt her. She should be held and loved. But a whole man was who she needed. I couldn’t hold her and be happy.
“You did nothing. You are perfect.” That wasn’t her answer. I knew that. I had to tell her. To admit this. She should know the truth. Saying it was going to alter me even more. But I had no other choice. This would hurt her too but she’d know the truth and she’d move on with life. She’d find someone else to love. Someone who wasn’t a shell of a man. Someone who could hold her without a darkness in their soul.
“My father called,” I began. Fuck my throat was closing up. Breathing was hard. “They . . . her stepmother . . . Octavia’s stepmother found her two hours ago. She . . .” God, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. The image was there in my head. Burned so deeply even though I hadn’t seen it. The clarity of it and the pure horror wrecked me. “She was hanging from the banister of her father’s home. A rope around her neck and a note.” I had to stop there. My head pounded as those words repeated over and over in my head. The note. The pain in my father’s voice as he told me.
“Oh mygod,” Bliss whispered. Then her hand touched my arm and I jumped. Jerked away. Not now. She couldn’t touch me now. She still didn’t know it all. What would forever haunt me.
“Pregnant. She was four months pregnant,” I swallowed the bile in my throat. With my baby. It was too small, underdeveloped to live outside of her body. They couldn’t save it. She’d let the staff go home early. Said she was going to enjoy a quiet evening in. Her stepmother came home concerned when the housekeeper called her to tell her that Octavia had sent them all home.” I wasn’t breathing. I inhaled deeply again.
“Nate,” she said softly and the sorrow in her voice was real. It wasn’t the torture I would endure the rest of my life or the nightmare I would relive daily in my head. But I knew she understood.
“It was a boy,” I had to say the last. Get it out. Acknowledge that I’d had a son. One that was taken from me. One I never got a chance to meet. One that didn’t get a chance to come into this world His mother had made that choice for him. Saying this world was too cold a place and if she wanted to leave it then why would she bring a child into it.
There was silence. Nothing to say.
“You’re gone then. For good,” it wasn’t a question. She was just confirming what she already knew.
“Yes.”
I glanced at her briefly. Tears were streaming down her face as she mourned the lives lost. That was the last image I would ever have of her. Turning I walked away. From Sea Breeze. From happiness. From a life I would never deserve.
As I stepped into the parking lot I saw the familiar black G-Wagon that belonged to my father. He stepped out of the driver’s side and my Uncle Grant stepped out of the passenger side. They both looked at me then my father started toward me.
When his arms wrapped around me I was five years old again and this was my safe place. But dad couldn’t ease my heartache this time. “Grant’s gonna drive your truck back. Get in the car with me,” he said gruffly. He was hurting too. I’d caused all this. Me. And my fucking selfish need for a woman.
Bliss York
IT WAS AS if my emotions were warring with each other over who would win. Who was the most powerful. I’m not sure how I walked back to my condo from the beach out front. I don’t remember it. My thoughts were clouded with pain, sorrow, disbelief, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say.
He hadn’t wanted my comfort. There were no words I could have spoken that seemed right. No way to beg him not to leave me. To let me help him grieve. I couldn’t grieve for him. This was a blow that went deep and brutal. I had faced death. And while facing it my concern had been for those I’d leave behind. The pain I would inflict. I had fought when I wasn’t sure I had any fight left because I wouldn’t let them suffer my death.
But Nate . . . he would have to live through not only the death of his child but a terrible tragedy. One that would wound him in a way I couldn’t bear to think about. I wanted to be there for him. I hated letting him go. But he’d not wanted me.
Thinking about me and my loss wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t hurt for me. Because I had loved a man and lost him. He had never even got to hold his son. I’d mourn but I’d mourn for him. Not because I lost him but because of what he lost. I loved Nate Finlay even if that love had been one sided. It was enough for me. I knew what love was. I had experienced it twice for very short times. But both with him.
The door opened and Eli was standing there. His face etched with worry and concern. “I saw him leave with two men. One drove him the other drove his truck. He had his duffel bag. Are you okay? What did he do?”
I just stood there trying to listen. Knowing I had to say something to Eli but my soul felt so fractured that it hurt to think. To stand. To speak.