My lips twitch and this peculiar fullness engulfs my chest, bigger than I can handle. My eyes swell and I close them, wanting to keep all the feelings inside. Even then, they sneak out. Fear and longing roll down my cheeks, until I’m crying about nothing, about everything. Overwhelmed by the past, trying to keep myself afloat in the present. It’s funny. I’m so good at expressing myself with words and sculpting. But when it comes to the hard stuff, I’m lost. I’m afraid.
It’s not good enough anymore. I’m twenty-five years old and I need to get it together. I sit up straighter in my chair and brush the tears away from my cheeks. My brain wanders for a minute until I realize I’m doing too much thinking and not enough acting. So I stop the madness in my head and open my desk drawer, reaching into my purse for my cell phone.
Me: Thank you for the beautiful flowers and the key ring
Vance: You’re welcome
Me: That was really thoughtful
Vance: I can be thoughtful when I want to be
I laugh.
Me: I love them and you were right, I did want the key ring
Vance: I know. And I’m also wise. You should listen to me more often
Unsure of what I want to say next, I pause with my fingers over the keypad. When I don’t respond, I wait to see if Vance types something else. But he doesn’t and that’s okay. There’s something more important I need to do anyway.
“I’M NOT USED to seeing you in a t-shirt and jeans.” Grant stares down at his black pants and crisp white shirt. “I feel a bit overdressed.”
“You look great,” I counter, fiddling with the napkin in my lap. But then something kicks in. I can’t pinpoint exactly what, but it spurs me on. “I actually don’t like dresses at all,” I admit. “I never did.”
“Oh.” Grant’s face is a blank slate, save for the tiny slash across his forehead. He plays it off, almost as if he wants to avoid what’s really going on here. “So, should we order?”
“I’m not very hungry.” I push the menu away, clasping my hands in front of me on the white linen tablecloth. “Do you remember that night when you were in my apartment and you were looking at that sculpture book?”
“Of course.” He laughs anxiously before it peters out. “You practically bit my head off.”
“Yes, and I’m sorry again about that.” I gather my nerves on a big breath. “But… that was a gift from someone very special.”
“Vance.”
“How did you….”
He scrapes a hand through his hair and sighs. “I read the inscription Ember, while you were in the bathroom.”
My eyes lower to the table then back to him. “Oh.”
His brows pinch together, an expression forming around his mouth I’ve never seen before. “Yeah, Oh. How come you didn’t tell me there was someone else?”
“Wait, no.” I jump in. “Remember before we started dating I mentioned there was a guy? That was years ago, but….” I pause, trying to arrange my thoughts into something that will make sense. That will hurt less. “I found out recently that he’s here in New York, and I’ve… I’ve never gotten over him,” I confess, and he flinches. It’s so subtle I nearly miss it. “You’re a wonderful guy, Grant. Really you are. It’s just that… I’m not one for playing games. Certainly not with your heart.”
He reaches across the table, his hand covering mine. “I know you’re not. That’s one of the reasons I lo—admire you so much. Your straightforwardness and how you care.” His eyes bounce around in thought before returning to me. “And if he hadn’t come back?” I shake my head to give him my answer. Because the truth is, Vance coming back only brought things to light sooner. Grant gets up from his chair to stand beside me at the table, leaning down to kiss my cheek. “If he ever hurts you though, I’ll have to…,” he glances around the restaurant then back to me, “… kick his ass or something. You know that, right?”
I laugh and take his other hand in mine. “If he ever hurts me, I’m going to kick his ass.”
He chuckles and squeezes my hand before returning to his side of the table, surprising me when he sits down. “Can we still have dinner together? I’d like to. Above all else, we’re friends, right?”
His sincerity overwhelms me. It makes this that much harder, even though it feels right. I nod, my voice cracking. “Yes, absolutely.”
We both pick up our menus, my mind and heart lighter than before. As I browse the vast selection of food, I can sense Grant’s stare back on me.
“But if you ever change your mind?” I glance up to sadness I’m the cause of, and my stomach hardens. I give him a soft smile. “Okay,” he shrugs, “I had to take a shot. Because you never know when you might get another one.”
Truer words have never been spoken.
AS I FUMBLE with my keys, attempting to juggle my briefcase, purse, and of course the roses, the door opens.
“Hi, love.” A familiar voice greets me and I look up to discover my best friend, here, in the flesh. I squeal, dropping everything except for the flowers and throw my arms around his neck.
“If I had known I was going to get this kind of reception, I would’ve come a lot sooner.” I pull back just enough to smack a big kiss on Troy’s cheek and he grins. “Wait. That sounded weird.”