Sutton reached into her purse and pulled out the bottle of diphenhydramine.
“I found this. In Dashiell’s room.”
Ivy took it, turned it over, read the back. “Okay. What is it? You know I’m not the mother here.”
“It’s generic Benadryl. For allergy attacks.”
“Oh. Isn’t he a little young for this? I mean, far be it from me to talk about motherhood, but it clearly says on the label not to give it to children under a year old without a doctor’s supervision.”
The words spilled out of Sutton’s mouth in a torrent. “I didn’t buy it. I’d never give him something like this. I’ve never given him anything the doctor didn’t approve first, and those were just his vaccines. He’d never gotten sick, there is no reason for something like this to be in the closet. It was hidden. And after I found it...I did research. This drug can cause an overdose that would mimic SIDS. There are cases online where babysitters have used it to dose children and they’ve died. I think...”
“Wait. Hold on. Take a breath, Sutton. You’re going a mile a minute. You can’t think Jan would have—”
But she couldn’t stop, the words were there, on her tongue, glowing and pink, the moment they came out, the world was going to change.
“Not Jan. I think Ethan killed the baby.”
Ivy sat back in the chair, wineglass forgotten. “Sutton...”
“Hear me out.”
“No, wait—”
“I know what you’re going to say. ‘There’s no way. Ethan adored Dashiell. He’d never hurt him.’ But he has a dark side, Ivy. He’s not the man you think he is. I love him, he’s my husband, for better or for worse, but there’s a darkness inside him, sometimes he just turns off, goes blank, and the next thing I know, we’re not speaking to each other for days.”
Ivy sighed heavily. “I know. I know how hard it is. I know how bad it’s been between you. But this...to murder his own son. That’s beyond the pale.”
“Is it?” Sutton was furious now. She stood and paced Ivy’s small living room. “Is it so hard to believe? He’s punishing me. He’s always been jealous of Dashiell. God, he wanted that baby so badly, and when I gave him a child, instead of appreciating me for it, he was consumed with the idea that I loved Dashiell more than him. He never forgave me.”
Or was it the other way around? Had she not loved the baby enough to keep him safe? To see the predator lurking under their roof? The unspoken words imprinted in her brain almost as if someone was whispering them to her in the night.
He’s going to hurt you, he killed the baby.
He’s going to hurt you, he killed the baby.
She was rocking, panic rising, and Ivy’s arms were around her, she was crooning in her ear. She had no idea of time or space, just the overwhelming rush of blood roaring through her ears and her heart thumping so hard in her chest she couldn’t breathe.
Finally, she heard soothing words. “Shhhh, it’s okay.”
Sutton slowly came back to herself, calmed, her heart rate dropping, the tears drying.
“I’m so sorry,” she muttered, and Ivy released her.
“That was a bad one.”
“It was. I apologize. I’ve not been myself lately. I feel so on edge, all the time.”
“The medicine the doctor gave you, does it help?”
Sutton reached for her wine, took a huge gulp, a few more deep breaths. “Honestly? No. I feel like I’m buzzing all the time, like all my nerve endings are on fire. The only thing it’s been good for is the writing. The rest of it, I’m not sleeping, and I’m horribly jumpy. I have an appointment this week to go on something different.”
Ivy tucked her hair behind her ears. “Maybe it’s not the medicine. Maybe it’s your intuition warning you something’s wrong. Like you’re in fight or flight, can never relax?”
Sutton stared at her friend. “That’s a very astute observation. It’s exactly how I feel, like I’m in danger. Like I constantly have to look over my shoulder. I didn’t used to be this way.”
“Tell me the truth. Do you think you’re unsafe with Ethan?”
“I don’t know. Before this afternoon I’d say no, of course I’m safe. Yes, we fight, but I’ve never felt like he was going to purposely hurt me.”
“But he’s hit you in anger before.”
“He’s hit me by accident before. He’s never done it on purpose. There’s a huge difference.”
“That’s what all abused women say. What they tell themselves.”
“Seriously. I’m not deluding myself.”
“He’s abusing you, Sutton. He’s been abusing you since well before the baby died. I mean, come on, he switched out your birth control pills so you’d get pregnant. That’s practically rape.”
“You’ve told me that before. You’re a feminist, I get it. He apologized. Profusely.”
“For God’s sake, Sutton. Can’t you see what’s right in front of you? The man’s been verbally and physically abusing you. You find a random bottle of allergy medicine and decide immediately that he hurt your child. Your reaction should tell you something, even if your head can’t grasp the truth.”
“But, what if I’m wrong? What if I accuse him, and I’m wrong? He’d never forgive me.”
“Think about it this way. Say he did kill Dashiell. How long will it be until he tries to kill you? He’s already hurt you. It’s not out of the realm of possibility. You know this.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“I’ll tell you this. We’ve all been worried sick about you. I’ve been worried sick about you.”
He’s going to hurt you, he killed the baby.
He’s going to hurt you, he killed the baby.
Sutton sat back, looked at Ivy with fresh eyes. “I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you say something?”
“What do you say to your best friend when she’s clearly not herself? You needed to come to this conclusion for yourself, not hear it from me, or the girls. You would never have listened if we came to you with this. You’d shut us out of your life, and I for one didn’t want that to happen. I wanted you to see the problem for yourself.”
Ivy was right. Sutton would have gotten her back up and told them all to go to hell. She’d defend Ethan to the death, even if she was furious with him.
She deflated. The pain and worry overwhelmed her, and she slumped into the chair. “What do I do?”
Ivy didn’t hesitate. “That’s easy. You leave.”
“He won’t let me go. He won’t let me walk away. Divorce is not in the cards.”
“Then you’ll have to figure out another way.”
AMERICAN WOMAN
Now
Sutton was a liberated woman. Smart, sexy, confident. Systematically broken down by the events of the past year, yes, but she was all these things, and more.