There is a part of me that doesn’t believe it. I mean, it’s all too convenient, but deep down I know it’s true. Christian, my brother, discovered evidence, and his wife admitted it. I don’t know what to do, to be honest. I went to his grave and I tried to scratch his name from the headstone, I even dug up the earth. I don’t want him in there with my baby, and I know that doesn’t make any sense at all.
What I can’t get out of my head is, was one of those children a mistake? And how would I feel if it was Hannah? I hate Helen, and I’m jealous that Alistair, her child, is alive and my baby isn’t. I haven’t told anyone this because I can’t rationalise it. I shouldn’t be jealous of a baby, an innocent, who didn’t ask for all this shit. It pains me so much to think Trey’s flesh and blood survives but is not mine. And then there’s another thought that runs through my mind…I wouldn’t want any part of him.
I screamed, Lincoln, and I haven’t stopped talking since. My voice is different, so Dad tells me, and it hurts to talk too much. I so wanted to be able to talk when I had something good, something positive, to talk about. Now it’s all about Trey, Helen. Christian is living here and his pain tears me up inside. I catch him looking at me sometimes and there’s a strange look in his eyes. It’s as if he’s wondering why I didn’t know. Two years Trey and Helen were supposed to be having an affair. Two Years! How did I not know?
I’ve racked my mind to think of anything that would have given a clue, even in hindsight, and I can’t think of one thing.
I’m going to call his mother later; she lives in the U.S. I think she deserves to know she has a grandchild, or so I’m letting everyone believe. In truth, I want to know if she knew. I want to hear her call out her son, although I know that’s also unreasonable.
I’m lost, Lincoln. More lost than I was before and I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way back.
Dani.
I folded the page, slipped it in the envelope, and before I could change my mind and decide it wasn’t fair to unload on him, I left the house to post the letter. I snuck back in the house and crept up the stairs. I could hear Christian and Dad talking, but I didn’t want to be part of their conversation for a while. Christian was going round in circles, and I could sympathise, but I needed distance from his distress to concentrate on my own.
I’d been putting up a front, covering up my real thoughts. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. I’d cried, I’d screamed, but I didn’t know what to do next. I wasn’t sure how to move, let alone forwards. I was stuck, yet momentum had me spiralling. For the past however many months, I’d only been able to deal with one thing at a time and that had worked just fine. Now I felt as if I had been hit with an information overload from all sides: some of it was bouncing off and some was being absorbed. I pretended to be rational; inside I was anything but.
A tap on the bedroom door woke me. I hadn’t realised exactly when I’d fallen asleep but my neck ached from being curled up in the chair. It was dark outside and for a moment I was disorientated. The door gently opened and Dad popped his head through the gap.
“Are you okay? I wondered if you wanted some dinner?” he asked.
I straightened in the chair, wincing at the pain in my knees after having my legs bent underneath me.
“I don’t think I can eat right now. I might make a sandwich or something a little later.”
“Are you hiding away?”
“Not hiding, just trying to think, or not think. I can’t decide which one I prefer.”
Dad came into the room and sat on the bed.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, right now. It was enough to lose them, and I thought you were coming to terms with that. Now this…”
“I can’t get my head around it all, Dad. I’ve been trying so hard to think of any times I had suspicions, or even a hint that he was having an affair, and I just can’t. Either I was so blinded by him, or an absolute fool. To know part of my marriage, or maybe all of it, who knows, was a lie, fake, is just too hard to comprehend.”
“Do you think Trey loved Helen?” Dad asked.
“I’ve no way of ever finding that out. She’ll say yes, of course, but did he? And that’s the hardest part. I won’t ever know the truth, just her version of it.”
Dad patted my arm and stood. “I’ll leave some chicken aside, in case you want to make a sandwich with it later,” he said before leaving me alone.
I picked up my mobile phone, still connected to the charger on the bedside cabinet. My hand shook as I held it, and I stared at the number two beside the messages. I knew who they were from, and although my finger hovered over the screen, over the button, I forced myself not to press. Those were the last two messages that Trey sent me. I hadn’t needed to open the messages when they’d arrived, as they’d flashed up on my screen anyway.
I swallowed down a pang of anxiety and scrolled through my contacts until I came to Patricia’s name. There was a moment of pause before I clicked on her name and lifted the phone to my ear. The long distance ringing seemed so familiar yet was the scariest thing I’d heard. The phone rang and rang. I was about to disconnect when she answered.
“Hello?”
I found at first I couldn’t speak initially.
“He…hello. Patricia, it’s…”
“Dani! Oh my God, Dani, is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me.” I choked on my words.
“Oh my. I can’t believe I’m talking to you. How have you been? I really wanted to visit before Christmas but I haven’t been well enough.”
“What’s wrong, Patricia?”
“Nothing too serious, but I’m not well enough for the flight. Dani, I can’t believe we’re speaking. I talk to your dad frequently, of course, but nothing beats hearing your voice.”
I could hear the tears through her words.
“Patricia, I wished I was calling you for a catch up, just to chat to you. I’d planned that when I could talk again it was because I had something to look forward to, something positive to tell you, but I don’t. I’m going to come straight out with this and it’s going to be huge shock for you. Trey was having an affair, with Helen, my sister-in-law. Or so she says. The worst part, Patricia, Helen has told Christian that Alistair is Trey’s son.”
The silence that I received extended beyond what I expected, to the extent that I took the phone away from my ear and looked at the screen. I was expecting to see the call had disconnected.
“Patricia?”
“I’m here. I just…”
“I know. It’s come as a huge shock to me as well. I thought you ought to know for several reasons. Alistair is your grandson, but right now, I’m struggling to believe it. I’ve got a request and a question for you, but I’d fully understand if you wanted me to call you back and…”
“I knew, Dani,” Patricia had interrupted me.
“You knew? What did you know?”
“I knew about Alistair. Helen had told me, but please, Dani, I didn’t believe her. I found her to be a vicious and vindictive woman. I honestly did not believe her.”
It was hard to hold the phone to my ear, as my hand was shaking so hard.
“You should tell me what you know,” I said, trying hard to keep any aggression from my voice.
“It was at the hospital, and it was really late. Way beyond visiting hours, if I remember. Trey had…he’d just passed. I needed the restroom, I felt so sick. When I came back she was on her knees by his bedside sobbing. I thought it strange that she had been allowed into his room. It was a nurse, Dani, that told me. Helen had told the nurse that he was the father of her child, so they allowed her to see him. I don’t think it was his regular nurse, because she knew you were down the corridor. I confronted her, of course. I asked her why she’d lied to the nurse and why she was sobbing at his bedside. At first, she tried to dodge the question, and then she told me. She said that Trey was her baby’s father.”
Patricia paused and I could hear her blow her nose.
“Please, go on,” I said, although her words were tearing me apart inside.
“I told her that I didn’t believe her. She held up her hand and had some strands of his hair. She told me that she’d prove it. She spat the words at me, Dani. Her face contorted into anger. I asked if Christian knew, she said that he did. But again, I wasn’t sure that was the truth.”