She realized as she waited alone for the elevator that no one she had passed as she moved through the building, not doctors, not nurses, not orderlies, not patients, would so much as look at her. Everyone lowered their eyes. Did they know who she was? Maureen wondered. The story of her house getting shot up was in the news again because of the day’s events. Did the people she walked past know that she had been the Watchmen’s first target? That the NOPD had failed to stop them from striking again?
We’d had warning, Maureen thought, and we did nothing. The morning her house was shot up, Skinner had come to the house to speak with her and to survey the damage. To make promises, to her and to the cameras, like a good politician. And maybe he would’ve done more. But then Quinn had gone in the river with a prisoner and neither of them had come out alive, and the department turned its focus to squashing the scandal that had threatened to emerge around Ruiz and Quinn and the Heaths. The feds had only taken an active role in the case several weeks after the incident. Maybe they’d been watching all along, but so what if they had? What mattered was they hadn’t done anything to help until it was too late.
We devoted our energies to covering our asses, Maureen thought, instead of defending ourselves. We played politics. As Preacher would say, we let them get behind us. Even me, she thought. I was too busy running drunk through the downtown streets at night, chasing impossible revenge against a man I’ve already killed, to do the work that would have protected Mays and Bridges and Harrigan and Preacher. The suspension wasn’t my choice, Maureen thought. But the choices I made about how to handle it, giving in to the selfishness and rage and self-pity, that was all me.
The elevator arrived. Maureen let the doors open and close without getting on.
She hadn’t put Preacher in this hospital; she knew that. Her ego wasn’t quite that outsized. But could she have kept him out of it? Could she have found Madison Leary before she ended up dead? Lost to herself and no use to anyone else. Maureen grinned at her warped reflection in the silver elevator doors. I find her, Maureen thought, I keep her alive, and maybe Atkinson learns something. Maybe she shakes loose from Leary’s tangled brain some iota of information about the Watchmen that stops today from happening. She shouldn’t have been drinking while she was out, Maureen thought. She shouldn’t have been distracted by the men, like the one from d.b.a. or even the one from the Irish Garden. She should have stayed focused. She could have worked a lot smarter.
Shit, everything she had ever done since she was about twelve she could’ve done smarter one way or another. Just ask her mother about that.
And now, tonight, she should be out for revenge. She should be on the warpath, along with every other cop in the city. But she felt none of that. She didn’t feel dangerous and frightening. Not like she had when she’d stalked the streets with her ASP. Right then, she felt so exhausted with anger, confusion, and grief that she feared she might fall over. She had no idea what to do. She couldn’t even see the rest of her shift past this visit with Preacher. She felt like the doctors here might not let her out of the hospital, and she wasn’t sure she’d fight them on it.
Under the harsh, mundane fluorescents of the hospital hallways, waiting for the elevator to return, the theories of vengeance and conspiracy she’d spun in the isolation of her patrol car’s front seat became fantastical. Half-mad and paranoid. Was it so impossible, so outlandish that Solomon Heath was a rich white man with a black sheep son he couldn’t control? Was she becoming as delusional, Maureen worried, and not for the first time that night, as the woman who’d died in the fishing goods aisle of a half-empty Walmart? Was that the way she was headed? Living in fear. Driven by rage. Seeing webs of conspiracies and armies of enemies wherever she went. In the end, putting a bullet in her brain for the sake of a false flag. Or maybe dragging a razor across her throat to silence the voices.
The elevator door opened. She stepped aside to let an orderly pushing a woozy young girl in a wheelchair pass, pale and bald from chemo.
What she felt was fucking helpless. And she hated it.
How’re we going to protect anyone, she thought, from anything if we can’t protect ourselves? How are we going to get these guys? She stepped into the elevator this time, just before the doors closed.
She rubbed her eyes, thinking of those long frazzled moments on Esplanade, the driver of the van in her gun sights. How long before one of us pulls the trigger on the wrong white van, on the wrong guy in a pair of camouflage cargo pants? Under this kind of pressure, she knew it was only a matter of time before someone who shared her uniform made a tragic mistake, either by pulling the trigger at the wrong time or by not pulling it at the right time. And wouldn’t that prove Leon Gage’s point? Wouldn’t that play right into his hands?
But who could blame us for having itchy trigger fingers? Maureen thought.