I’m not making this up, or trying to impress him. Being a top ranking MMA fighter, women are all over me. He stays calm, recognizing I’m not bragging, his demeanor split between unaffected and concern.
“Take a closer look at these positions,” he says. “You’re the one holding them. You’re the one imposing your muscle. It’s your strength and power you’re demonstrating.”
Again there’s that freight train plowing into me. Holy shit. He’s right.
“Tell me, Finn,” he says. “Have you ever achieved orgasm when the woman has been the one in control, on top of you, masturbating you, anything?”
I don’t know how long it takes me to answer, my mind digging through my memories, trying to find one that will disprove his beliefs. But I can’t. “No,” I answer.
“Then I think we’re onto something here,” he says.
I think he’s right.
“Oral sex is more complex than people realize,” he begins. “It’s perceived that men who receive it are the ones in control, because it’s about them, and how much they’re getting out of it. However, most fail to see that it’s the person giving it who’s actually in control. She’s the one capturing that man at his most vulnerable with his most masculine and susceptible organs within her grasp.”
“You’re saying I don’t like to be vulnerable,” I bite out.
He doesn’t say anything. But he doesn’t have to. I already know he’s right. “Is that why I don’t enjoy it like I should, I’m afraid to be vulnerable?”
“Exposing yourself in such a way―when you feel compelled to stay in control during sex― doesn’t permit the pleasure the act can bring or allow the release that can come. But why do you think that is, where does this all stem from?”
As much as he’s opened my eyes, this isn’t a question I’m prepared to answer. Not yet.
“So then why was it worse with Sal?”
He doesn’t miss how I skipped over his question, but answers me anyway. “Because I think you like her more than you were prepared to, and more than you’re allowing yourself to believe.” He waits then asks, “Have you ever been in a serious relationship?”
My mind wanders back to “bat-shit crazy Chelsea”, “I’m a psycho and I own it Nancy”, and “I’m sorry I cheated on you, but you were at the gym and I was horny Lucille”. “No. Most of the women I’ve been with longer than a handful of times end up being crazy, skanks, or both.”
“But Salveenoa isn’t like that?”
“Who―oh, yeah. No, Sal’s not like them.”
He smiles. “Then what is she like?”
Beautiful, funny, kind. Yeah, and didn’t I fuck that all up. “She’s a nice girl,” I answer. “Smart and . . . I don’t know, she’s different is all.”
“And you like her.” He’s not really asking, more like interpreting what I’m trying to play down.
I rub my hands together, thinking about how shitty I’ve felt since she left. “Yeah, I do.”
“Finn,” he says, drawing my attention back to his face and away from the floor. “From what you’ve said, and based on how this experience with Sal has affected you, I think you want to be able to trust her in a way that’s different and more personal than the other women you’ve been intimate with. I think it means more to you, that you enjoy sex with her.”
“You’re saying I want her to make me come when she’s blowing me?” I ask.
“That’s one way to put it,” he agrees.
“But shouldn’t it be easier with her instead of harder―if what you say is true?”
“I don’t think so. Correct me if I’m wrong, but those other women you’ve had somewhat loose relationships with, they weren’t women you completely trusted, correct?”
“Oh, hell no,” I say, shuddering.
“So during times they performed oral sex, it was easier for you to detach yourself, to put up with what they were doing―likely by ignoring them. But with Sal, you’re already more attached, you already feel more toward her, thus you’re going feel more during the act―both the pleasure, and the vulnerability you don’t enjoy nor want to feel.”
“So how do I fix that?” I ask.
“You tell her,” he says like it’s that easy.
“If I tell her I don’t like head she’s going to think there’s something wrong with me.”
Good ol’ Mason doesn’t even try to deny it. “Perhaps, seeing how men are expected to enjoy it and long for it as you pointed out. But Finn, relationships―those that are more serious— require risks. You need to ask yourself if this young woman is worth taking the risk . . .”
CHAPTER 15
Sol
Damn it.
I hurry to pick up the contents of my spilled purse from the floor, then shove my iPad it into my already packed bag. Dr. Harte’s door always sticks so I have to pull on it when I lock it. I’ve always managed to hang onto my belongings before. Not today.