“My brother wants us to return to the ball.” Darren’s garnet eyes met my own as we entered the hall. “But I think he can handle a night of formalities without the crown prince and princess, just this once.”
A warm wave of relief crashed over me until I saw the prince’s hand still along the handle of the adjacent chamber.
A couple months before and this moment would have been everything. It would have been the two of us and every tangled feeling that had been brewing between us for years.
But now? Now, as he unlocked the door and tugged me inside, the warmth of his fingers heating my own, the only thing I could think was that this was one more betrayal I could never return from. One beautiful memory Darren would grow to hate, and as much as the girl wanted the boy, I didn’t want this.
I hated myself for what I was about to do, but I would never be able to face myself if I didn’t.
“Darren, I…” I froze in my tracks. “I can’t do this. I know what the c-court expects…” My voice was hoarse and my eyes locked on the floor. Shame was crippling me out from the inside. “B-but I can’t.”
“Tonight I want to hold my wife in my arms.” The prince’s voice was quiet. “Nothing more.”
My heart was breaking. I wanted to say something, anything to explain. “I’m—”
“If you say you are sorry one more time, you will break my heart, love.” Darren took my hand and pulled me in front of the mirror—the same one from my chambers earlier before the ceremony, a beautiful thing gilded with pearls. The lighting of our chamber dimmed from his casting as he stood gripping my waist from behind. Garnet shown against the shadows reflected in the glass. It was smoldering. “You have me here, a man and a prince. You have the Black Mage at your feet.”
My stomach hollowed at his words.
He lifted one of my hands and pressed his lips against my palm, watching me in the mirror. “You have me as your husband.”
Darren’s hands rose to the stays containing my dress. Slowly, the laces trailed to the floor. The bodice came next. And as my pulse hammered against my throat, yellow silk glided down my skin to reveal a thin chemise and little else.
I felt his lips press against the hollow of my throat, and his fingers undid the fastenings in my hair. “The first night I touch you,” he said, “it will be because you are so captivated you can want for nothing else.”
My breath hitched, warmth pooling low in my belly.
“You have me.” Darren’s eyes held mine against the backdrop of darkness and light. “You always will.”
His fingers released my hair so that locks of scarlet framed my face, illuminating the girl with pale gray-blue eyes and white cotton clinging to her frame. I looked soft, lonely, and innocent with the barest stain of pink against my cheeks.
It was all a lie. Wetness formed at the corners of my eyes.
“Until then, I wait.” The prince stepped around me, blocking the mirror to stare down into my face. What I saw took my breath away. I let him lead me forward and onto the canopied bed, scattering petals. He enveloped me in his arms, and I rested my head against his shoulder.
It felt so good—the rising and falling of his chest, the way the scent of clove and pine lingered against his skin. I could still smell warm cinnamon on his breath.
I knew it was wrong to enjoy being so close to the boy whose heart I would break. But I was selfish. He was beautiful, and I was weak.
I had already denied myself so much, and the other part of me knew I couldn’t pull away—not without arousing suspicion.
That part of me delighted in any part of Darren she could get.
…All of me did.
And so for that first night as husband and wife, the prince held me close. I gripped him back, telling myself this wasn’t wrong—it was necessary.
The girl clung to the boy so she could chase away her dark. He was light, and she was fading. She was drowning, and she just couldn’t stop.
She was about to enter a world of shadows, and as she drifted off to sleep, she listened to the beating of his heart.
Somehow, she told herself, she would find a way to make all of this right.
*
The next day, I was expected to join the Crown in a daylong set of festivities. But when I awoke, Darren had already convinced his brother to grant me yet another reprieve. I knew the king’s benevolence wouldn’t last. I couldn’t avoid the court forever, so I pushed all self-hate aside and locked myself in my previous chambers, writing out lists only to burn them in the room’s hearth minutes later.