I reached out to Darren, but he jerked away from my hand. He didn’t say anything in front of our audience, but his whole body was tense. The prince might blame Nyx, but he was still angry with me.
I shouldn’t have questioned him in his role. You didn’t have a choice. I bit my lip until I tasted blood. Everything was becoming a mess of lies, and with every passing hour, the temptation to confess was growing worse. The only thing that bought my silence was the knowledge that the true rebel would be arriving that next morning and that we would be able to leave this terrible masquerade as soon as he was caught.
“Did I tell you Alex and Ella joined the keep?” I was determined to break the uncomfortable silence that night as we lay down for bed. Darren had taken the last night to pacing like a caged lion, unwilling to look at me except for infrequent glances torn between exhaustion, gratitude, and frustration. I suspected a part of him was relieved I had called off his orders, but the stubborn bit of pride refused to admit it. He was proud to a fault.
“Oh.” That was the length of his response.
“They joined after Derrick was caught. Alex wanted to find the rebel that recruited him. Like you, he suspected north. They are a part of Maxon’s squad.” The lie would go a long way to explain their presence. “I wish he wasn’t here. I don’t like him putting himself at risk for revenge.”
“Well,” the prince paused, “your brother might have more merit than I thought.”
“I’m sorry I questioned your orders.” My voice sunk to a whisper. “I only—”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ryiah.”
“Why not?” I couldn’t help myself. “You can’t keep doing this. You have to let me in. If you are mad, then yell, but don’t you dare shut me out.” I was such a hypocrite, it was amazing the gods hadn’t struck me down themselves, but I couldn’t bear to watch Darren suffer alone.
The prince advanced on me, eyes flashing. “The Black Mage is not infallible. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Darren—”
“Imagine the worst mistake a person can make,” he hissed. “Two lives, Ryiah. Two soldiers because I was so sure of myself. Do you have any idea what that kind of responsibility is like?” His bark of laughter was grating against my ears. “Do you realize what I could have done?”
I did, but he couldn’t know the truth of Dastan Cove. Those three Caltothian warriors were my burden alone. I was carrying that guilt with every breath I took. I wanted to tell the broken prince it got easier if you screamed into the silence, but I still saw their ashen faces next to my brother every night I dreamt. There was no such thing as peace. “It wasn’t your fault.” You were right to suspect those men. We tricked you. The guilt was a festering plague in my chest. “Nyx was trying to do what she thought was best for her men—misguided, yes, but she truly thought a change in leadership, with the approaching war, would be a mistake.”
“Had we time, I’d disown her of the position myself.” The prince’s fist found the wall, and I watched as he pulled it away, dripping blood. “As it stands, I believe her men would riot if I tried.”
You wouldn’t be wrong.
“Their loyalty is strange.” He stared at the chamber door. “If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect there was more to this keep than it seems.”
I forced out a laugh. “Besides their united hatred of the Caltothians raiding their border?”
His brow furrowed. “I suppose—”
“I served at the keep for close to a year, and don’t forget our apprenticeship.” I stole a nearby tunic peeking out of a drawer, wrapping it around the prince’s bloodied hand. This time he didn’t jerk away. “The northerners look down on the south because of what they had to suffer. They can’t understand your role. They don’t know what it means to carry the weight of a country.”
“And you do?” The words were softer, barely more than a murmur.
“I know what it means to be in love with someone who does.” I pulled Darren toward the bed, promising myself I would pull back once that spark was gone, once those suspicions stopped dancing below the surface in those garnet eyes like tidal crashes of crimson in a darkening sea.
Two hands gripped my waist so hard it ached. I hadn’t finished wrapping Darren’s bandage; there was probably blood on the sheets, but I didn’t care.
“I don’t deserve you, Ryiah.”
“You aren’t the only one with darkness.” I pressed my palm to the prince’s chest. “I’m still fighting mine.” More than you can ever know.
Understanding and shame lit up his garnet stare. He was remembering Derrick.
“I’d rather hear your angry words than watch you hide in pain.” I touched the prince’s face, tracing his jaw with my fingers, memorizing the strong lines that made up the man I love. “Nothing you could ever do would turn me away.”