He shook his head. ‘I do not believe that; and I will not allow Pike to force me out of England again. Sidmouth would never sign such a dishonourable warrant.’
Helen stared at him. Was that his true belief, or was it the madness speaking? Perhaps she should tell him about the deal with Lowry. She would have the journal soon enough and, by God, she would make Pike bargain for the cure from the Comte. Yes, if Carlston knew there was hope, perhaps he would agree at least to hide from Pike. She swayed towards him, drawn forward by the relief of the decision.
‘I will not leave you to Pike’s machinations,’ Carlston said. ‘He refuses to see the importance of you, and he does not understand what is coming towards us.’
She closed her eyes. He would never allow her to put herself in such danger, especially not at Pike’s order. Moreover, she knew he would do everything in his power to stop her from bonding with Lowry, even if it was at cost to himself. Yet she had the best chance of obtaining the journal; she had what Lowry wanted. She could not tell Carlston and risk him ruining the plan. Not like last time.
‘I will not leave, Helen.’
She opened her eyes. She knew that fervent tone in his voice: he was already losing control. They were standing far too close to each other; her point would soon be proved.
‘And I do not want you to leave,’ he continued. ‘Even if this test proves your theory, you must not go. It is a foolhardy plan, especially without the support of aides or a Terrene.’
I will have a Terrene soon enough, she thought grimly. ‘The Duke wishes to be my aide.’
Carlston pressed his fingertips hard into his forehead. ‘Dear God, do not make him your aide.’
‘Why? Because you hate him?’
‘That is not the reason.’ He dropped his hand away from his brow. ‘He is not the man to help you become what you need to be, Helen. He cannot see past the fact that you are a woman. All he wants to do is protect you.’
‘What is wrong with that? Surely it is the role of an aide.’
‘Helen, you are the protector. That is your sworn duty and birthright. Do you really think Selburn will obey your orders? Can you see him standing aside so that you may lead in the way that you must?’
He had a point. The Duke had tried to pursue Philip, and he had taken charge of their escape after the laneway battle. Even so, she had to go somewhere, and he had her interests at heart.
‘It is my right to choose my own aides.’ She hesitated; he must let her go and she must use whatever means possible to make it happen. ‘But that is not the real reason, is it? This is about Lady Elise. You and he are playing out your battle again. You cannot bear to think that he will win this time.’
‘It is not about Elise. It is about you.’ He averted his face, strong jaw and cheekbone angled as if he had just been hit. Or was maybe preparing to be hit. ‘Is he going to win?’
‘He has offered to help me, and right now I need his help.’
‘Is it just his help, or are you going because you wish to be with him?’ He leaned closer, face fierce. ‘Do you love him? Is that it?’
‘You, of all people, have no right to ask me that.’
‘Maybe not, but I ask it anyway. Do you love him?’
‘Love him?’ Helen’s voice rose. ‘Apparently I am not allowed to love in this godforsaken world!’
‘Apparently neither am I,’ he said through his teeth. ‘Yet …’
Yet what? His face, his body, were so close. So dangerously close.
‘Stay,’ he breathed.
She shook her head.
He stepped away, the sudden distance between them full of pain.
‘Quinn!’ he snapped.
‘My lord, this is a bad idea all round,’ Quinn said gruffly as he joined them in the centre of the room. ‘I think her ladyship is right about the energy.’
‘I did not ask for your opinion,’ Carlston said. He held his arms out. ‘Make sure I cannot move.’
Quinn stepped behind him and hooked his arms over Carlston’s, pulling his master’s arms back and securing them in a lock hold. Carlston rocked forward, testing his man’s grasp.
‘Good,’ he said. ‘Lady Helen?’
She stepped forward. Now she could touch him, and it tore at her heart.
‘Do it,’ he ordered.
Behind him, Quinn braced.
Helen lifted her fingers to Carlston’s face. His dark eyes followed her hand as it reached towards his cheek. Her throat ached, choked with unsaid words. She cupped his jaw, his breath warm against her fingers. Slowly, he turned into the curve of her palm, cut lip pressed against her skin. She heard two whispered words, felt them kissed into her flesh: amore mio. My love. Two words: the shock of them held her still.
He looked up at her and she saw the longing in his eyes harden into savage madness. With a sob she pulled her hand back, closing it into a fist.
Helen wrenched at the salon door handles, the blood on her hands making her grip slide off the metal. Locked; Quinn had locked them. She turned the key, her hand shaking, then twisted the bloodied handles again, finally stumbling out onto the landing. She had to get away from what she had done.
‘Lady Helen!’
Mr Hammond, standing at the top of the stairs. She could barely see him through the blur of tears. She tried to take another step, but her legs buckled. She sank to her knees and felt his strong hands catch her forearms before she fell forward.
‘My God, your knuckles,’ he said, on his own knees and bracing her against his chest. ‘They are split open.’ He shifted to look over her shoulder into the salon, and she felt his slim body stiffen. ‘Sweet heaven.’
‘I had to keep hitting,’ she gasped. ‘Quinn could hardly hold him. His eyes, they were …’ She shook her head; could not stop shaking it. ‘He called me his love. I hit him. Over and over, Hammond. I hurt him so much. I cannot be this thing they want me to be.’
‘Lady Helen!’ He caught her jaw in his hand and held her head still, his stricken blue eyes fixed upon her own. How could he bear to look at her? She was a monster. ‘Stop it!’ he said. ‘You did what you had to do.’
‘He said I was his love. Amore mio.’
‘Did he?’ Hammond gave an odd pained laugh. ‘Well, that is not such a surprise. Your destiny is bound with his; it is plain to see. Do not torment yourself. He knows you are trying to help him.’ He pulled her upright, his tight grip steadying her on her feet. ‘You are the only one who can help him.’