“You can’t peek in?”
“No, it doesn’t work that way.” He was holding a hypodermic needle. “This will hurt. Hold still if you can.” He started injecting around the wounds. When he saw the boy wincing in pain, he said, “Just a few more.”
“It’s fine.” Ben was angry at Ro, at Haley, at Griff, at the world, but most of all, he was furious at himself. He rarely wasted time on emotions. They just got in the way of everything. But anger was something that came naturally. The adrenaline was definitely wearing off and he was sinking into a deep funk. He also did depression pretty well. The shrink he had seen after Ellen died said that depression was just anger turned inward. It sounded a little convenient at the time. Now he understood.
I should never have left them alone.
His belly and sides started tingling. Five minutes later Millstein started to stitch him up.
“Feel anything?”
“Nope.”
It was weird because he could sense the needle going in, but it didn’t hurt. As the doctor worked, Ben’s wrath began to subside. What was the use of screaming at anyone? They probably felt worse than he did. He had done something—fought back and brought down the monster. Ro had battled for Lilly’s life. But Haley . . . poor Haley. Lilly was her best friend. There were no words right now that would comfort her. And Griff? He surely had enough guilt to last a lifetime.
More invisible damage done by that waste of space.
Ben knew that when he saw the kids, he’d have to be a source of compassion and understanding even if he didn’t feel that way inside. Because he wasn’t about to let that bastard have any more power over him. The idea of seeing George and June was nauseating, but he had to face them as well. If they decided to hate him, what could he do? Join the club. He hated himself.
“You’re a good patient,” Millstein told him.
“Thanks.” Ben was thinking, I should have killed him.
Then he thought of his parents, of Haley, and of Lilly, of course. He’d have to be there for them. He would dedicate his life to her recovery. He couldn’t do that if he was in jail.
Shanks walked into the room, looking old and weary. Dr. Millstein looked up. “We’re a little busy in here.”
“He’s a detective,” Ben said. “He needs to talk to me.”
“Not while I’m doing this. You can’t move, and if you talk, you move.”
“I won’t say anything,” Shanks said.
Millstein didn’t answer, but continued sewing.
“How’s it looking?” Ben asked Shanks.
“Nasty.”
“Stop talking,” Millstein said.
“I meant how’s it looking for Lilly.”
“I don’t know, Ben.”
Millstein stopped and regarded Shanks. “Please?” He pointed to the door.
“Let him stay,” Ben told the doc. “He makes me feel better . . . someone who looks as shitty and worn out as I do.”
Shanks managed a very weak smile. “Stop talking. Let him finish up.”
“Thank you,” Millstein said.
Finally, the doctor stood up. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
When he left, Ben looked down at his stomach, a patchwork quilt done by an Amish person on crack. Shanks saw him staring. “You’ll have stories to tell.”
“It would have been a better story to see his head explode.” Ben looked up. “Can you find out how Lilly’s doing?”
“She’s in surgery, Ben. That’s all anyone knows.”
“Are her parents out there?”
“They arrived about five minutes ago.”
“Have you talked to them?”
“I introduced myself. I told them we had the bad guy behind bars. I don’t think they heard me.”
“Do they hate me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“That’s the second time you’ve told me that today.”
“Ben, I want to tell you something.” Shanks bit his lip. “You know you saved her life. If you had waited for us . . . for the cops to break down that door, she would have been long gone.”
“I’m sure George and June don’t see it that way.”
“George and June are completely focused on Lilly. I guarantee you they’re not giving you any thought. But when they do, they’ll be very grateful.”
“If she’s okay, maybe.” Silence. “I don’t even know what okay means anymore. How can she recover from this?”
“The human spirit is very resilient if you give it a chance.”
“Yeah . . . right.” Ben rubbed his forehead and felt a pull on his stitches. As soon as the anesthetic wore off, it was going to hurt whenever he moved. “If she doesn’t make it, I’ll kill myself.”
“She made it down to the hospital,” Shanks said. “That’s step one.”
“I just want to wake up six months from now and be normal. Or as normal as I was before all this happened. I’m so frickin’ tired of living a nightmare!”
The doctor walked in along with Ben’s parents. Laura’s eyes immediately started watering. Ben said, “Mom, please don’t.”
“Oh my God!” She turned her head and stifled a sob. Even his dad had watery eyes.
He asked, “Are you all right?”
“I’m talking and walking, Dad. So I guess the answer is yes. How’s Haley? She really needs you two more than I do.”
Laura had managed to calm herself down. She kissed her son’s cheek and Ben took her hand. He said, “I’m fine. Go tell Haley that I love her and I’m glad she’s okay. Tell her that.”
William wiped his eyes. “I love you, son.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
After washing his hands and gloving up, Millstein said, “I’m going to need a little elbow room. He should be out in about a half hour.”
“You’re not keeping him overnight?” William asked.
“It’s not necessary. But someone will need to bring him in tomorrow to re-dress the wounds.”
“If I need to sleep somewhere, I’ll stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s.”
Laura said, “There is no way you’re going to go there looking like this. It’ll kill them.”
“Mom, they’re going to find out.”
“Ben, you’re coming home.”
“That’s stupid.”
William said, “Laura, you can’t hide this from them. It’ll probably be in the papers. It’s news, honey. We’ll have to prep them.”
Laura started crying again. Millstein said, “Maybe it’s better if you two wait outside.”
Shanks stood up. “Let’s give him some room.”
Laura handed Ben a bag of clothing. “Sam said he’ll need your clothes.”
“Yeah, right. Thanks.”
“Let’s go,” his dad said.
The three of them left. Millstein started cleaning the wounds. Ben felt a faint sting and told him so. “I’ll give you some pain medication.” He unwrapped some gauze. “I’m going to mummify you now. It’s the only way that the bandages are going to stay on.” As the doc worked, the quiet was haunting. Millstein stood up. “I need some more gauze.”
As soon as he left, Ro peeked her head through the door. Her eyes were wet, swollen, and red-rimmed. “Hi.”
“How’s Lilly?”