The truth was, I fucking knew what I wanted.
I'd known since I was seventeen years old. And being back here with her, pushing the pause button on the outside world, was only confirming everything I felt.
"Do you think it's possible to just leave everything behind?" she asked. "The way River did for Elias?"
"Isn't that what you do?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I don’t understand,” she said. “What do you mean?"
"The woman with a thousand identities is asking me if it's possible to reinvent yourself?" I asked.
She exhaled heavily. "That's not the same thing," she said.
"No, it's not." I took a strand of hair from where it fell in front of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. "It's easy to just take a new identity. It's a lot harder to come back home. Reinventing yourself and becoming someone else is simple. Owning who you are, that's the hard thing, Tempest."
She looked at me for a long time with soft eyes, before she spoke again. "I've never had a home, Silas."
"I'm not talking about a place, Tempest," I said. "My parents-you already know how they were. My father was a drunk asshole and my mother was...well, she tried her best to get between you and I back then, to stop anything else that might have happened between us. And most everybody in this town thought my brothers and I were the white trash spawn of my no-good parents."
"But you came back here," she said. "You still feel like this place is your home."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "You know that's not what I'm talking about, Tempest. It's not this place."
She trailed her finger along my shoulder for a while, following it with her eyes, before she finally looked up at me. "West Bend is the only place I'd ever been where I felt like I belonged," she said.
Exhaling heavily, I wrapped my hand around her wrist gently, stopping her from distracting herself by touching me. "You are the reason this place felt like home, Tempest."
"I get...restless," she said, shaking her head. "I've never stayed in one place."
I kissed her on the lips, sliding my hand back to the nape of her neck and pulling her to me. I wanted this girl more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply the familiar scent of her. I wanted to drink her in.
I wanted to love her.
I just wasn’t sure if she’d let me.
31
Tempest
I lay on my stomach in Silas' bed, wearing his t-shirt and nothing else, kicking my feet up in the air behind me. Silas and I had decided to press the pause button on everything outside of this place.
I'd never done something like this before.
I wasn't sure I could.
When I'd said I had to go back to the little bed and breakfast where I'd been staying, I was sure that Silas thought I was taking off permanently. He'd kissed me long and hard, his hands trailing up my back and through my hair, the kind of kiss you have with someone when they're leaving and you're never going to see them again.
It was the kind of kiss you leave someone with, hoping that will be the last thing they remember about you.
On the entire ride over to the bed and breakfast, I thought about how easy it would be to just leave, ride off on my bike into the sunset and forget about Silas.
The same way I'd done before.
Except it never had been that easy to forget about him. I'd done a shit job of it. Silas had never left me – he was always there, a part of me. I might have walked away from West Bend, but I had never really left him behind.
I told myself that it was stupid to stay here. I should rip off the bandage and leave now, before it was too painful to do it later.
And then I'd checked out of the bed and breakfast, turned my bike around, and come right back here.
Back to Silas.
Silas came up behind me, crawled into bed, and slid his arm across the small of my back. “What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing,” I lied, changing the subject. “I was just looking at your bed. It’s so beautiful, just like your other furniture. Is it something local?”
“I made it,” Silas said.
I slid up to a sitting position and reached out to run my fingers along the headboard. “You made this,” I said. “Yourself.”
Silas nodded. “Don’t sound so surprised,” he said. “You don’t know everything there is to know about me.”
“Clearly,” I said. “You’re a man of mystery, Silas Saint.”
“I’m like the James Bond of West Bend, Colorado,” he said, winking.
“So you really made all of this?”
Silas shrugged. “After you left, I was pissed off at everyone and everything,” he said. “I threw myself into wrestling, and Coach Westmoreland knew my parents weren’t the best, so I ended up spending a lot of time at practice and stuff. He and his wife started letting me come home for dinners, that kind of thing. They didn’t have any kids – I don’t think she could have them-so they treated me like their own. Better than my parents did.”