This is not a joke.
Isabel had a certain cred on the Internet that stemmed from her massively followed and oft-suspended Twitter account. Oft-suspended because it delivered no shortage of creative (some might say shocking) threats to Ruperts haters or Ruperts celeb girlfriends. Isabel’s current favorite target was Rupert L.’s newest girlfriend, Ashley Woodstone. (Or, Ashley “Prancing in the” Woods, Stoned, as she was also commonly known.) Ashley was an actress with questionable new-age ideals, and even though she’d only just started dating Rupert L., Isabel already hated her more than she hated anyone else in her life. Which was saying a lot.
Isabel’s infamous tweets ranged from the cartoonish and impossible:
Im going to pull ur tongue out of ur mouth wrap it around ur neck n strangle u w it so hard ur eyes will pop out. i will pee in the sockets.
To the quaint:
Get ur fcking hands off him bitch i will cut u.
#RupertLIsMine
To the cryptically disturbing:
I watch u in your sleep.
I would never condone Isabel’s scary tweets, but you had to give the girl credit for managing to stay under 140 characters every time.
At this point you may be asking just how much harm a fifteen-year-old fangirl could really do. That is the wrong question to ask. People can do a lot of harm if pushed to the breaking point, and us fangirls lived at the breaking point. If the boys were involved in a scandal, we were at a breaking point. If they got haircuts, we were at a breaking point. If they smiled, we were at a brea … You get the idea. Boy band fangirls are a species that are more focused, determined, and powerful in large numbers than just about any other group of people I can think of.
And anyway, Isabel wasn’t just any regular fangirl. She was kind of a legend on the Internet for being one of the most aggressive Ruperts stans out there. Also, her entire family was allegedly made up of criminals. Or maybe that was cops. I don’t know, we never really asked her, but either way, if they weren’t on one side of the law, they were on the other, and that meant Isabel came from tough stock.
You may be asking why I would be friends with a death-threat-happy girl like Isabel. That one is a little harder to answer.
The day I met Isabel was the day I’d skipped class for the first time ever.
Erin met me in front of school that morning and tugged me away from it. “The boys are in town,” she’d said. “And I know where.”
Obviously, I had to go.
Cut to us sitting on the ground, leaning against the brick wall of a building on the corner of Avenue B in the city, no boys in sight. I was beginning to question Erin’s claim when Isabel came to stand in front of us.
Before I ever saw Isabel’s face, I saw her boots.
They had too many useless zippers and buckles and straps—useless because the boots looked like they were falling apart. The faux leather tongue spilled over the laces, and the parts over the sides of her ankles folded over too, so that it looked like she’d stuffed her feet into two badly bruised bananas that were halfway peeled.
My eyes swept up over the rest of her—the holey jeans, the cheap-looking denim jacket (it was too blue; the cheap ones are always too blue)—until they rested on her face, and even then I couldn’t see it. She was backlit by the sun, so I had to shield my eyes to look at her. Protecting myself from her, even then.
“You guys looking for The Ruperts?” Her voice was deep, skeptical.
It turned out that Erin and I were in the right place, but we would have never been able to get a good look at the boys if it hadn’t been for Isabel. She led us to an alleyway, climbed over a Dumpster and then up a fire escape, and when we followed her, Erin and I got our first ever glimpse of the boys. They were kicking around a soccer ball in a courtyard. Our view was partially obscured by a building in the way and they were far from us, but it was the best moment of my life up until that point. I felt so light, watching Rupert K. come in and out of view, that if a strong gust of wind had blown right then, I would’ve flown right off that fire escape.
The prize for best fan went to Isabel, easy. She knew how to get to The Ruperts. And the truth was, we were lucky to have her on our team.
Stats on Isabel:
Favorite member of The Ruperts: Rupert Lemon
Number of times she’s seen The Ruperts in person: 68
Number of times she’s met (this includes getting anything from a selfie to a hug) all/a member of The Ruperts: 34 (often multiple times in one day and with a total disregard for school attendance records)
“We can’t just threaten people,” I said in a hushed voice, hoping the other Chocolateburgers couldn’t hear me. “We’re just going to have to face the fact that we’re not getting into the concert. We can’t go.”